Happy Festivus, Hollywood! 'I've Got a Lot of Problems With You People!'

December 23rd, 2019 7:00 AM

Dear Hollywood writers, to quote Festivus founder Seinfeld's Frank Costanza, "I've got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!"

Since its December 23, it is time for Newsbusters to air its many grievances with television in proper Festivus spirit. So I’ve grabbed my aluminum Festivus pole in preparation to give you all a piece of my mind.

Airing of Grievances

1. Leave the kids alone. Stop having 10 and 11-year-old characters “coming out,” even in the drive-thru on This is Us. The middle-school kid in ABC’s The Connors did not need to announce he is gay. Stop offering hypersexualized tween comedies like Netflix's Big Mouth. And children do not need to watch She-Ra to learn about the first “non-binary” cartoon character. Let kids have a phase in life where they do not have to cater to adult sexual identity agendas. Stop promoting in your commercials the sexualization of everything from childhood friendship to library story hour.

2. I know you thought sexual grooming of children wasn't enough to offend the audiences, but did you you have to toss in threesomes and throuples on your network shows, even on a show which is just supposed to be about tough cops shooting up bad guys? Really? Do fans of Katie Hill-style coupling really need the producers on CBS’s S.W.A.T. to advocate for them?



Chris: Ty basically accused me of caring more for Kira than I do for him, saying that I'm throwing this relationship triangle out of balance.

Deac: Is he right?

Chris: Maybe. Kira and I, it just works. With Ty, it's good, but... It's not the same.

Deac: Have you talked to either of them about any of this?

Chris: How can I? Th-they're getting married. I'm supposed to be there equally for the both of 'em.

Deac: You want my advice? Tell her how you feel. People, they go into marriages thinking that it's gonna make everything better. A-and in reality, all it does is shine a light on all the issues you had before the wedding. Annie and I, before we got married, we took this... Marriage prep course through the church. It's like a boot camp for engaged couples. On the first day, we realized how much we didn't know about each other because there were things that we didn't think to share. You want to make this relationship work... Make it work.

3. Besides having G.L.A.A.D. write your scripts, could you also stop having Planned Parenthood create dialogue? While having Alyssa Milano handle your abortion messaging actually benefits conservatives from a political perspective (trying to make abortion a source of “joy” creeps out normal Americans), it is harmful to women who experience post-abortion pain and also lies to young women in the midst of a crisis pregnancy who may believe your sicko marketing. While you are at it, stop lecturing Christians about abortion like you know our religion better then we do. Scenes like this one in Empire are insufferable.



Andre: We'll sign those contracts right after your show tonight for the cosmetic executives. But we need you to make a public statement clarifying what you said about abortion. You know, publicity's already taken that thing wild, and we don't need the problem—

Tiana: I was pretty clear.

Andre: You were caught up in a moment of crisis...

Tiana: Hmm.

Andre: My crisis. And emotion caused you to say something you didn't fully understand.

Tiana: The last time someone assumed I didn't know what I was talking about... I lost a baby, your brother's baby.

Andre: I understand that. We've all suffered because of things outside of our control, okay? This is something you can control before it derails your career.

Tiana: Wow. Andre, I thought you out of all people would understand. I mean, your wife has a Bible verse ready for every occasion.

Andre: My wife is an ER nurse for a low-income hospital for a decade. She's actually witnessed the horrors of women being denied reproductive health care. There's nothing Christian about that.

4. Also, please don't ever put period sex on television again. I am looking at you, Showtime, with your bizarre L Word reboot. I know feminists magazines are clamoring for this new boundary-breaking, but contemporary feminists are weirdos who act like a cult. Hollywood should listen to them about as much as they should listen to Scientology....oh wait, never mind.

5. Speaking of acting brainwashed, did the ideological robots in Hollywood all get talking points from the same pro-immigration lobbying groups at once? All the main networks this season pulled the “ICE is evil and illegal immigrants are all innocent victims” narrative. During the month of October, ABC’s How to Get Away With Murder compared ICE detention centers to Japanese internment camps, CBS’s NCIS: New Orleans made immigration guards sex traffickers and NBC’s Sunnyside called ICE “The DMV’s racist uncle.” The NBC comedy Superstore spent much of the fall season trying to garner sympathy for an illegal immigrant character who stole someone’s identity and is still working illegally. One CBS drama even tried to make the audience feel sorry for a deported violent gang member.

Not to be outdone by the networks, the new streaming service Apple TV plus actually inserted pro-illegal immigration propaganda into an alternative history space race. The night of the lunar landing diverts to dialogue with a space program janitor's illegal immigrant family.



Octavio: Tu mama, she had a dream of what your future could be. That’s why we came here.

Aleida: I miss her.

Octavio: I know. I miss her too, mija. You know, maybe one day, Aleida, you’ll build a fire inside one of these.

6. And since you, dear Hollywood, hate all things sacred, you naturally had to make a mockery of the Christmas season, with South Park having Jesus and Santa snort cocaine, Netflix creating a hyper-effeminate homosexual Jesus and Family Guy turning the sweet Christmas tradition of children sitting on Santa’s lap into a weird sexual climaxing scene with a minor:



Meg: Is it okay if I just hold him for the picture?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. Of course. Sit right here, young lady. Here you go.

Meg: Stewie. Santa's no one to be scared of. He's kind and warm. He loves unconditionally, and... And he makes... Everyone feel so... So...

Stewie: Meg, what are you doing? You look like Mom when she sits on the washing machine.

Santa: Now, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Meg: Shut up, everyone! Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up! ♪ O come, let us adore him ♪ ♪ O come, let us adore him ♪ ♪ O come, let us adore him... ♪

Stewie: What, uh... Wh-what just happened?

Feats of Strength

A shout-out to the few shows that bucked the radical pro-abortion trend by including pro-life dialogue, that takes real strength. Thank you to CBS’s Bull, ABC’s The Good Doctor and CBS’s God Friended Me. The beautiful adoption episode in God Friended Me, in particular, was my favorite feat of strength this season.



Miles: I know you lost your grandfather six months ago.

Joy: Yeah, so what?

Miles: I read the tribute that you wrote about him. Sounds like an amazing guy.

Joy: He was. He grew up in Hawaii. Oh, he was an incredible surfer. My parents split when I was young, and he moved to Chicago and raised me on his own. When I got pregnant and decided I wasn't ready to be a mother... He was so supportive. He told me that giving her up didn't mean that I didn't love her. It meant that I loved her enough to make sure she could have the best life possible. The life that I couldn't give her back then.

Festivus Miracles

Both the South Park and Family Guy creators have crudely mocked Christians, but their shows also provided this fall season with a few Festivus miracles. So, while these Gen X comedy writers are vulgar blasphemers, they are not always cowardly Hollywood tools.

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane created a hilarious Family Guy episode mocking transgenderism along with episodes mocking feminist pieties and participation trophies. Fellow Festivus miracle-makers Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been the only television writers with the guts to go after communist China’s influence in Hollywood and the pathetic kow-towing of the NBA to Maoist overlords. They also took on transgender madness in sports.



Perry: Now, this is the first year that a trans woman is in the competition. How do you feel about that?

Strong Woman: Amazing. I feel honored to be a part of history. I have a lot of incredible trans friends who are athletes, and so we're all inspired this woman's competing.

Perry: Uh-huh, and uh... Have you actually ever met Heather Swanson?

Strong Woman: Uh, no, I've never competed against her before. No.

Perry: She's not exactly your average trans athlete.

Strong Woman: Well, what is an average trans athlete? Honestly, I find that kind of bigoted, David.

Perry: Okay, Heather Swanson is actually joining us now. Ms. Swanson, how does it feel to be competing today?

Heather: I can't tell you how free I feel now that I've started identifying as a woman. Now that I can compete as female, I'm ready to smash the other girls!

Perry: And is it correct you just starting identifying as female two weeks ago?

Heather: I'm not here to talk about my transition. I'm here to kick some [bleep] ass. Let me tell you something, Dingleberry –

Perry: David Perry.

Heather: I'm gonna roll up the other women here, and I'm gonna smoke 'em. I am the strongest woman this state has ever seen!

Perry: Any words for the challenger, Ms. Woman?

Strong Woman: Uh, good luck, Heather.

Heather: Luck is for dudes.

Perry: Well, with that, let's get right to the action. ...

Alas, miracles like this were rare exceptions in a fall television wasteland. Ending the left-wing stranglehold on entertainment requires Feats of Strength the Costanzas could never muster. Instead, we should all just model Kramer and find an excuse to leave the room, or more accurately, shut off the television.