‘The Real O’Neals’ Makes Mockery of Marriage With Celebratory Divorce Ceremony

November 2nd, 2016 12:53 AM

“Not everything is about you being gay, Kenny!” Oh, how happy I was to hear those words finally spoken on ABC’s The Real O’Neals, Tuesday. Unfortunately, even when the show takes its attention off how gay Kenny O’Neal (Noah Galvin) is, they can’t seem to shake off being anti-Catholic, anti-conservative, or anti-anything decent. This episode focuses on taking down the sanctity of marriage.

In “The Real Move,” parents Pat (Jay R. Ferguson) and Eileen (Martha Plimpton) are working through the process of divorce by having Pat plan to move out and Eileen get a new job. The kids, convinced they were the reason for their parents’ misery, try to help them move on with their lives. When the parents assure their kids that they were probably happier at the end of their marriage than the beginning, the family decides to set up a mock wedding ceremony to "celebrate" the divorce. Eileen wears her cross and old wedding gown as she walks down the aisle, and Kenny presides over the proceedings holding a Bible, invoking his authority from Little Saviors Winter Bible Camp.

Eileen: You know, not a lot of women can say they're 30 pounds lighter than they were on their wedding day.

Jimmy: Thank you.

Pat: Very good, son. 

Kenny: We are gathered here today to celebrate the divorce of Eileen and Pat O'Neal. Who gives this woman away?

Pat: I do.

Eileen: And I give this man away.

Kenny: All right, Mom and Dad, is there anything you'd like to say to each other?

Eileen: [ Clears throat ] Pat, there are so many great things that have come out of our marriage. But we've known for a long time that we just didn't work as a couple. And that's okay.

Pat: That's right. Yeah. We got together way too fast.

Eileen: Yeah. The only thing we really had in common was a love of Foreigner.

Pat: Yeah, God, how great is Foreigner?

Eileen: They're so great. [ Sighs ]

Pat: Well, from this day forward, I promise never again to bother you with my wet towels... [ Sighs ] ...Or sleep apnea.

Eileen: And I promise that you'll never have to see my bite guard left out on the nightstand or wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher ever again.

Pat: And I vow to see you kids all the time. Like a lot. Seriously, you're gonna get really sick of me.

Eileen: And I vow to continue making family meals, possibly taking into consideration your special food requests. Apparently gluten allergy is a real thing.

Kenny: Well, if anyone objects to this divorce, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Shannon: I'm good.

Kenny: Me too.

Jimmy: [ Sobs ] These are tears of joy. I used to be in there.

All: Oh. Oh.

Kenny: Okay. Well, can we all join hands? Yeah. Okay. Do we O'Neals take each other for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health, regardless of new lovers or different geographical locations for the rest of our lives?

All: We do.

Kenny: Well, then, by the power in by the Little Saviors Winter Bible Camp, I now pronounce us a committed family. We may now take a family selfie.

Pat: Hey, I got the long arms. Selfie cam. Okay. All right.

Kenny: Everybody lean in.

Pat: Get in there. Here we go.

Shannon: A smiling or silly face?

Pat: Here we go, smiling. Yeah, Smiling. Smiling. Ready, one, two, three. [ Camera shutter clicks ]

Kenny: I have to say, of all the pictures this family has ever taken, this one is the best.

Yep, they are celebrating the END of a marriage. If that sounds like celebrating a root canal for your friend, then congratulations, you have decency. Do you celebrate your best friend moving away? Or opening a second mortgage for your house? Ending a marriage is way worse than all those issues, yet here they act like it is a wonderful family event.

However, it’s not a surprise, it’s just an example of The Real O’Neals turning something good into something bad just to flaunt their disgust for religion. This show hates all things Catholic, and marriage is a sacrament in Catholicism, therefore they must make a mockery of the wedding ceremony by perverting it into a divorce ceremony. We can’t go on thinking that marriage might be worth it, after all!

The silver lining is that there won’t be a bitter custody battle and the family is committed to still being there for each other, even if the parents couldn’t keep their commitment to each other.

Sadly, all of this is still preferable to Kenny’s gay problems, which I'm sure the show will get back to next week.