'2 Broke Girls' Mocks Baptism as Waterboarding, God as Santa Claus

In last week’s season opener of CBS’s 2 Broke Girls, Sophie (Jennifer Coolidge) and Oleg (Jonathan Kite) welcomed baby Barbara into the world. This week’s episode, “And the Godmama Drama,” features the baptism of baby Barbara and the desecration of the sacrament. 

Sophie thinks of Max (Kat Dennings) and Caroline (Beth Behrs) as her best friends, so with this in mind, she asks the women to be Barbara’s godmothers. As you might imagine, during a meeting with the priest, Father Kozac (Joel Swetow), and Oleg’s Ukrainian mother, Olga (Mercedes Ruehl), Max makes lame jokes about the Christian sacrament. As Olga explains about godparent responsibilities, she begins to question if Max has a relationship with God. Earlier, Max remarked that she didn’t think she had ever been inside a church, so no, the questioning doesn’t go well.

Seeing the priest pour water on the toy baby doll’s head in a demonstration, Max compares the gesture to waterboarding the baby. Christianity – the only religion allowed to be mocked on TV. Then Olga states the obvious – these two women are not fit to be godparents.

Caroline: You look so nice.

Olga: I don't look nice. I look fantastic. This is Father Kozac. He will be performing the baptism.

Father Kozac: Yes, and I also perform in an r&b group. You may have heard of us: Altar Boys to Men?

Olga: You two have to wear this on your heads, to show respect for God. And also because most Ukrainian women are bald.

Max: Hands up! Give me the baby!

Father Kozac: All rightsky, should we get started? Um, here you go, Max.

Max: Oh, hmm. What, like a hot-potato situation?

Olga: Before the baptism, the father will question you about guiding the spiritual life of the child. You know, taking her to church, making sure she only wears pants to drive the tractor.

Father Kozac: Yeah, then I will say a prayer, you hand me the baby... (Thud) And I will baptize her like so. Eh?

Max: So basically we're just waterboarding a baby.

Olga: Excuse me, do you know what a baptism is?

Caroline: No, she knows, she's just shy.

Olga: So, Max, do you pray?

Caroline: Oh, she prays all the time, right, Max? I'm always hearing her in her bedroom say, "Oh God, oh God, oh God!"

Max: One of those times was because an owl got in there.

Olga: So do you have a good relationship with the Father?

Max: Uh, well, he took off before I was born, so, all I know about him is he makes really great decisions.

Olga: No, no, now, that is not the father I mean. I mean that one.

Max: Oh, Santa Claus? I want to, but every house in one night? Come on.

Caroline: She got hit in the head with a softball recently.

Olga: No, not Santa Claus! What do you think, this is some kind of joke? You are not fit to be my granddaughter's godmommies, I don't care how much I hate her name. Kaputzki.

Caroline: God, oh God, oh God.

Max: What? Did an owl get in here?

Sophie cancels the baptism in retaliation for Olga’s interference in the choice of godparents. This leads to Caroline stealing holy water for a baptism ceremony in the diner, without Olga. “Where is it written that a baptism has to be in a church, other than in The Bible?” she asks. Only a liberal could botch that joke. Baby Barbara is baptized and the camera shot of a real baby face was the best part of the show.

In the end, Olga makes peace with Oleg, then Sophie, Max and Caroline return the holy water to the church and the priest tells her the security cameras caught her in the act. It was a lame end to a vulgar show. Baby Barbara deserved better than an “illegitimate, blasphemous, back alley baptism,” as it was called. Try as they may, lefties can’t make mocking Christian religious sacraments funny.  

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