With Christmas only one week away, we're helping Santa by making a list and checking it twice of which TV shows are naughty or nice. It's been a crazy fall 2017 season, from White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders being called a "harlot" and a "proper trollop" to a character suggesting the Virgin Mary was raped, but every so often a show came along that restored our faith in humanity.
Which shows were good this year and which are getting coal in their stockings? Let's take a look at some clips and find out.
The Naughty List
First, the shows Santa is going to be skipping this year.
American Horror Story
It was almost hard to tell sometimes if American Horror Story: Cult on FX was satire or serious, it was so far over the top. That's why it's at the lowest spot on the Naughty List. Santa might even have laughed at these clips.
Here was their take on the "horror" of election night 2016:
Bret Baier: We are going to make this decision now. The Fox News Decision Desk has called... Pennsylvania for Donald Trump. This means that Donald Trump will be the 45th President of the United States, winning the most... Unreal, surreal election we have ever seen.
Kai: The revolution has begun.
Rachel Maddow: It's very, very, very close in a lot of...
Tom: It's over. If she hasn't won Pennsylvania by now, she's not coming back.
Ally: No, that's bullshit. I won't believe anything until I hear Rachel Maddow say it. She's the only one I trust.
Ivy: How is this happening?
Tom: It's the politics of fear. It always works.
Baier: What started off as unlikely, impossible, is now reality. He said he was always a winner. This did not come without controversy...
Kai: Fuck you, world! USA! USA! USA...! Ha-ha!
CNN reporter: ...have now confirmed that Secretary Clinton has conceded to Donald Trump. Uh, this concession took place in a phone call.
Mike Pence: It is my high honor...to introduce to you the President Elect of the United States of America, Donald Trump.
Ally: (scream, wail) No! Oh... No...
Kai: USA! USA!
Ally: (wailing) Oh, Ivy, no!
Ozzy: Is it bad? Did he win?
Ally: (wailing) Oh, go to hell, Huffington Post! Fuck you, Nate Silver! Oh, my God, how could they have been so wrong about this?
Ivy: You have to do your cookie breathing You've got to do your cookie breathing.
Ally: I can't do my cookie breathing.
Ivy: Give me one deep breath.
Ally: Oh, my God, Ivy. Merrick Garland. What's gonna happen with Merrick Garland?
Tom: You want to know who to get mad at for this? Our own state of Michigan. She's losing by 10,000 votes. That's the size of this town. And who's at 40,000 votes and counting? Jill Stein.
Ally: Is that true?
Tom: I hope every one of those voters who decided it was a good time to cast a protest vote is happy when that...psycho gets us all killed.
Marylin: Honey, don't get so worked up.
Tom: Shut up, Marylin. I told you to go vote, but you didn't listen. Now look what happened. Look at our friends on the couch and tell them that they may not be able to maintain their rights as a married couple because you were too busy today on Etsy to go vote!
Ozzy: I don't want you to not be married anymore.
Then there was the time little Ozzy got a guinea pig and had the audacity to name him...well, you'll see.
Oz: Mom. Okay. Mama, look.
Ally: Oh, sweetie. How cute. Uh, Winter, I'm sorry. I don't think we ever had the conversation, but we have a strict no pets rule in this house.
Ivy: Ally's very sensitive to dander.
Ally: Well, we all are. So I think it's best if you, you know, just take him back home.
Winter: He's not my Guinea pig, he's Oz's.
Ozzy: His name is Mr. Guinea.
Ally: Sweetie. Come on. You know we don't like cisnormative pet names.
Winter: Why do you have rules about pet names if you never have pets?
Ally: It's the principle.
Ozzy: But he's a boy.
Making Santa's belly shake like a bowl full of jelly might save them from the Naughty List, unlike these others.
Next we have TNT's Major Crimes, which went all-in on the anti-Catholicism for their final season. They did a five-episode storyline involving the Catholic Church that also covered illegal immigration to paint Christians and conservatives in the worst possible light. Here's one of many examples.
Nolan: Your lovely intern gave up what might be damning information on Father Jonas.
Raydor: What sort of damning information?
Nolan: He's been transferred to six different dioceses over the past five years. Monterey, Tucson, Denver, Reno, Phoenix, and L.A.
Tao: And two of these transfers happened in the middle of the school year.
Flynn: Sounds like another one of the Church's tried-and-true tactics to cover up sexual abuse.
Provenza: Well, our priest has told us over and over how close he is to these boys. Intensely close.
Raydor: And Father Jonas gave Ryan driving lessons.
Sykes: Yeah, well, front seat or back?
Provenza: Could've been the trunk.
Wisdom of the Crowd
Santa already brought us an early Christmas present and got our next show, CBS's Wisdom of the Crowd, canceled, and we are eternally grateful. While the lead Jeremy Piven was being accused of sexual assault, the show was ironically trying to lecture us on gender equality. Other times, they were just calling conservatives plain old stupid.
Josh: He doesn't get it. That's the problem.
Tariq: No, it's saving lives. That's the thing. It's an...
Josh: It's an actual function. No, it's not gonna do them any…
Hutton: Okay, so, what part of this do you guys not understand? The people that want Foley dead, they're not a bunch of shotgun-toting deplorables. They're more than capable of using this site to figure out exactly where he is.
Thanks, Santa. We aren't going to miss this one.
Not that we expected anything better from Chelsea Handler, but Chelsea on Netflix is, unsurprisingly, midway up the Naughty List. She's all about women supporting women, but has no trouble calling Sarah Huckabee Sanders "brainwashed" and "a harlot."
“That harlot that they are dressing up and trolloping out every day? I mean, one day she has no makeup on at all, the next she’s got 6’ long eyelashes, cleavage, and summer whore lipstick all over her face. Can you believe what they’ve turned her into? A proper trollop.”
We all know left-wing "feminists" only support women they agree with, but does she have to be so transparent about it?
I Love You, America with Sarah Silverman
Another one that is no surprise is Sarah Silverman's I Love You, America on Hulu. We get some random gratuitous nudity in the first episode, in which she also visits conservatives as though they are animals in a zoo. But she also gave NewsBusters a shout-out in the final episode of the season calling us her friends.
Silverman: Let’s break down this war on Christmas - and to my friends at Fox News, Breitbart, the Media Research Center, NewsBusters, and the Blaze and all the real news outlets covering this devastating war, when you write your weekly “don’t think” piece on my monologue, gluing together words and phrases that fit your narrative, include this next part: What is it about Christmas that you think that Jews hate? The no traffic? The vacation days, the gorgeous lights lining the streets of the houses and the shopping squares...
Silverman also had a fake conversation with Jesus during which she, of course, portrayed him as a liberal. Here's how that conversation went:
She gets Jesus' opinion on things like:
Abortion: "I'm against it. But that's just me. I'm also against the squishing of the tiniest bug, so whether or not you squash a bug or kill an animal, or have an abortion, that's up to the individual."
NFL Kneeling: “What a beautiful way to get your voice heard.”
Health care: “Well, if someone’s sick, you take care of them, right? Oh, but right, this is the country where if you’re poor, they let you die if you’re sick.”
Offering "thoughts and prayers:" “I have to say it drives me crazy. Because a prayer is just a thought, right? But it starts with 'Dear Lord or Dear God,' so you're acting like you're doing two different things."
Silverman: "Yeah, right. They're trying to get credit for two in one."
Jesus: Right. "Just do the one. Second of all, how long does a prayer take? Six seconds? Would it kill you to call your legislator?"
Thanks for promoting NewsBusters and the MRC, Ms. Silverman, but you're still not on the Nice List.
As we near the top of the Naughty List, we hit Fox's Star. In this episode, we got a double dose of social justice - the Reverend Al Sharpton praising Colin Kaepernick.
Noah: What do you want me to say?
Derek: Just talk about him. Who is Lucky Keyes?
Al Sharpton: America, wake up. Noah Brooks' friend, Lucas Keyes, was shot point-blank for reaching for his wallet.
Andy: Hey, it's playing right now.
Sharpton: How many cases do you have to hear? How many times are you going to tell us it was misunderstood? It was based on fear? Colin Kaepernick took a knee protesting hatred. It brings to mind the sit-ins in the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s. We're trying to get you to understand that this is happening too often and happening over and over again.
Will & Grace
Remember when NBC's Will & Grace was a good show many years ago? So do I, but those days are gone, making it the second-naughtiest show of the fall. Rudolph is going to be navigating right past their houses this year with their unhinged attacks on conservatives.
One episode centered around Jack finding out that his conservative son, Elliot, is sending his young grandson, Skip, to a "pray away the gay" conversion camp. We are treated to such dialogue as Jack saying, "How am I supposed to connect with a kid from Texas? I can't fish or hunt or tell a woman what to do with her fetus," or Elliot confessing that, since he moved to Texas, "I drank the kool-aid and can no longer separate church and state." When they get to the anti-gay camp, which features a prominently displayed photo of Mike Pence, here's what they find.
He's got boys being boys in his hand
He's got girls being girls in his hand
He's got boys-only-marryin'-girls in his hand
He's got the whole-natural-order-of-things where-people-act- like-the-lord-intended in his hands.
He's got suits and dresses on the right person
He's got boys chasing girls appropriately
He's got boys...
This was just one of many episodes with a premise written completely to mock conservatives. They are no longer even trying to be funny.
The number-one show Santa never wants to see is SMILF on Showtime. I can tell you how off the rails it is in one sentence: Rosie O'Donnell's character is the voice of reason.
Here's the main character, Bridgette, sharing her theory about Christmas (and the New Testament in general).
Bridgette: I'm not gonna pray. I'm not gonna pray to God. I'm sorry.
Tutu: Yeah, well, you know what? You tell that to God, because he carried that guy across the sand, and there was one set of footprints, Bridgette. Remember that.
Bridgette: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Tutu: Then, here, how 'about this? You pray to the Virgin Mother. She's my favorite.
Woman: Mine, too.
Bridgette: Mothers cannot be virgins.
Woman: Well, Mary can--she was blessed by the Holy Spirit.
Bridgette: Mary was forced to have that baby.
Bridgette: I'm sorry, but Matthew and Luke and whoever did some stuff to her...
Tutu: I don't wanna hear it, Bridgette.
Bridgette: And then called it an angel baby.
Tutu: Okay, listen to me. That is the mother of God you're talking' about.
Bridgette: Now we're all stuck praying to this "Angel baby."
Tutu: What are you talkin' about?
Bridgette: I am on Mary's side. I am Team Mary.
Tutu: There are no teams. There are no teams in the Bible.
Bridgette: There are teams. You are helping them get away with it.
Tutu: Bridgette, it's just blasphemous, that's what it is, and I don't really like it.
If that doesn't earn a lump of coal, I don't know what does!
The Nice List
I don't want to leave you feeling too sad about the state of the TV world at Christmas, so here's a reminder that there are shows that make the Nice List.
A perennial favorite (and not just because Tom Selleck has been handsome forever) is Blue Bloods on CBS, which kicks off the Nice List. Now in its eighth season, this is a show that celebrates police officers, God, and family. The fall premiere alone had all three.
Secretary: Afternoon, Commissioner. The mayor said you can go right in.
Margaret: Commissioner Reagan, thank you for coming.
Frank: "Frank" will do fine.
Margaret: Close the door, have a seat. I read the autopsy report. She was clearly under the influence.
Frank: To put it mildly.
Margaret: Well, how would you put it?
Frank: Officer Olivet was trying to reason with someone who had snorted enough jet fuel to win the ninth race at Belmont.
Margaret: I'm not going to pressure the DA's office to pursue any criminal charges against Officer Olivet.
Frank: There's something you should know about police officers.
Margaret: Oh, I think I know...
Frank: Hold on.
Frank: They know what people are capable of in ways that most, thankfully, do not. They have seen firsthand the cigarette burns on an infant's back or the black eyes and the sideways jaw on an 80-year-old rape victim. And they assume the worst. And they take that on so that good people can go about their lives and think generously about their fellow man. They provide that luxury.
Margaret: You say that as if it's a fact.
Frank: It is to me. And a hard-earned one. And whoever is in my office, he or she, if they're any good, is gonna feel the same way.
Margaret: My job is to advocate for the people. And if that calls for an investigation into your department or any of your officers, it's not personal. It's going to happen.
Frank: Because of your rush to judgment, this city has lost a good police officer as surely and as finally as if he were killed in the line of duty.
Then, later in the episode, some family time and prayer.
Frank: Okay. I did read an obit a while back. When you reach a certain age, you do that sort of thing. And someone said, "We are all just passing time. And occupy our chair very briefly." The time we had with Linda was a gift. And we are all the better that she occupied her chair... so well.
Henry: Some say we have more than our share of loss. But I see God's light in this family every day. And though I may not understand it, I trust in His plan for us all.
Frank: When Mary died... when I lost my wife... I was a mess. And it was my kids... Joe, Erin, Jamie, and Danny, who... even though they had lost their mom... always made sure, each in their own way, to be there for me. I'm not sure what a shrink would say about that. But it was appreciated. Boys, I'd like you to say grace.
Danny: Actually, um, I'd like to say it. Bless us, oh, Lord. These Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen.
All: Amen. Amen.
How can you not love that?
SEAL Team on CBS features an elite military unit kicking bad-guy butt in the name of freedom. What else could you want in a show? They sometimes have a character question if America really is the good guy, but it's usually an excuse to show that character that, yes, we are! I loved this scene where the main character (David Boreanaz) delivers some home truths to his son's principal after his son gets in trouble at school.
Principal: As your son Michael may have told you, we like to view our, uh, disciplinary matters as just one more opportunity for learning.
Jason: Right. Teachable moments.
Principal: That's not language we use anymore, but that's essentially the idea. Look, who knows what the world has in store for our young people once they venture beyond our walls. We, uh, we can't anticipate every situation they're likely to face, so what we try to do is, uh, give them the tools to-to make the best decision no matter the-the circumstance.
Jason: And Michael didn't make the best decision given the circumstance.
Mr. Fazzano: Fighting's never the right decision.
Jason: I'm sorry, who are you? What do you do again?
Alana: Jason. Yeah. You remember Mr. Fazzano. Michael's guidance counselor.
Mr. Fazzano: Please, call me Keith.
Jason: I'm sorry, but you were telling us how it's not right to fight.
Mr. Fazzano: You disagree?
Jason: Well, it sounds to me like the world that you're preparing your students for is a world where, if you ask really nice, the bad guys will leave you alone. Is that what you see?
We could use more shows that paint America and the military in a positive light. Santa is definitely happy with them, and they get bonus points from me for having a dog on the Team.
South Park has been on Comedy Central for 20 years, so you've probably watched it, right? If you're not, you're missing this kind of magic that earned it second place on the Nice List.
Announcer: Hey, you! That's right, you! Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? What makes you, you? DNA & Me is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. You might be surprised.
Man: I thought I was just a standard white guy. But DNA & Me showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.
Woman: Turns out I'm not totally white. I'm also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish! I'm a victim of oppression!
Steve: I used to get in trouble for always using the "N" word. But with DNA & Me I found out that I'm 2.1% black!
Man 2: Morning, Steve.
Steve: 'Sup, Nigga?
Announcer: The test is easy. Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it in to us.
Man 3: People made fun of me for being French. DNA & Me showed I was 8% Navajo. Nobody's making fun of me now, or my people, who were victims.
Woman 2: I'm 13% victim!
Man 4: I'm 21% victim.
Announcer: Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. DNA & Me. Are you in?
Randy: Hell [bleep] yes, I'm in.
If Santa is bringing DNA kits, it's not to help people claim victim status.
My favorite show, the number one show on the Nice List this fall, was The Brave. It just premiered this year on NBC and, Like SEAL Team, it follows an elite military unit just generally showcasing American badassery. As my gift to you, because you've been so good this year, here's an incredible scene of four terrorists being killed in about four seconds.
Jaz: 10 seconds.
Dalton: Copy that. The boss is your target.
Omar: You're the traitor.
Amir: Yes. I'm the traitor. I have devoted my life to bringing down men like you, and I'm not going to sleep until all of you are in the hell you deserve.
Santa was definitely watching that.
Were there any other shows you watched during this fall season that you think should be on the Naughty and Nice Lists? Tell us in the comments below!