Wednesday night’s episode of FXX’s It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, was all about abortion. In one storyline, the gang tries to get an abortion for a dog and, in another, a woman’s right to chop her hair off is debated like abortion. Both are about as crazy and crass as you’d expect from It’s Always Sunny.
In the episode titled “A Woman's Right to Chop,” Mac (Rob McElhenney) takes what he thinks is his dog Poppins – but (spoiler alert!) it’s not – and finds out the dog is pregnant but too old to give birth. Mac suddenly and hypocritically flips from pro-life to pro-abortion (previously in the episode he had said, “Killing babies is wrong, Dee, and God forbids it.”) Following that, Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and Frank (Danny DeVito) hand out fliers outside the new salon next to the bar and beg women not to cut their hair short, like pro-life sidewalk counselors outside an abortion facility, because they think it looks terrible.
Vet: I-I don't think I've ever seen a dog this old. It's a miracle that she was even able to get pregnant, so when she gives birth, she will most likely die.
Mac: Well, you got to kill those babies, then.
Charlie: What? Dude, what the hell? I thought you were all pro-life and everything.
Mac: I am, but this is different. This affects me.
Vet: Uh, I'm so sorry, but we don't perform that procedure here.
Charlie: We can talk to a, like, a doctor, not a nurse.
Mac: That's a good idea. Do you have any doctors here? Let's go. We'll go find a man.
Dennis: Got some information for you. You're gonna want this information.
Frank: Great hair. Keep the hair -the way it is.
Dennis: Very important information, honestly.
Frank: Keep your hair the way it is. It's really great.
Dennis: Oh-- hi! You going in here to get the-- yeah.
Woman: I was.
Dennis: Check this out: Um, uh, did you know that hair only grows about six inches over the course of an entire year? Did you realize that? Isn't that mind-blowing? Think about that for a second. You know? -MM. Here. Grab that for me, if you will.
Woman: Oh, my.
Dennis: Yeah, it's something else. -You can't get your hair cut. -You don't want to do that.
After the visit to the vet, Charlie (Charlie Day) and Mac try to find a dog abortionist, but struggle with the harsh terminology. Ironically, I bet even the most radical pro-aborts would have trouble with aborting unborn puppies. They resort to the pro-abortion euphemism “terminate the embryos.”
Charlie: Yeah, so, what we'd like you to do is kill the dog puppies, if you could.
Mac: Hey. Don't-don't say "Kill," though.
Charlie: Uh, sorry, murder them, if possible?
Mac: Say-- uh... Uh, no, say, uh...
Charlie: Uh, sorry, my friend has a...
Mac: "...Terminate the embryos."
Charlie: -To terminate... Yeah, so if you could terminate the puppies' embryos...
Later, after stopping Dee (Kaitlin Olson) from cutting off all her hair at the salon, the men congratulate themselves and Dennis declares, “We can't rest until every single woman is free from the choice of ruining their lives forever.” Shame is suggested as “a great motivator.”
But then Dee comes in with her hair butchered after trying to cut it herself – “The scissors were dirty, and they weren't even sharp!”
Dennis, aghast that he “forced" his sister into "a back-alley chop,” reconsiders. “Guys, I think we need to realize something. We're never gonna be able to stop women from doing whatever the hell they want with their own bodies," he says. "And if we can't stop them from making stupid and selfish choices, then we need to give them a place to go to be stupid and selfish.”
Funnily enough, "stupid and selfish" is the perfect way to describe all the characters in It's Always Sunny.