Newsweek's Advice to Christine O'Donnell: Submit to a Husband and Open a Wiccan Store

After getting spanked in the November 2 election, Christine O'Donnell needs to find herself a good Christian man to submit to. Or she could open a Wiccan supply store. 

Those are just two of the six mocking suggestions that Newsweek's David Graham came up with yesterday on the magazine's The Gaggle blog for the Delaware Republican Senate nominee's future.

Graham's list is just more evidence that O'Donnell seems to have inherited Sarah Palin's mantle as the conservative female politician liberal journalists most love to write arguably misogynistic screeds against (emphasis mine):

[I]f she isn't able to come back, how might O'Donnell spend her time after Nov. 2? We've got some suggestions.


(1) Go Back to School: O'Donnell famously claimed she had gone to Oxford University, when in fact she had attended an outside institute's summer program there. Before that, she said she'd graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson long before she actually did. And she suggested that she was taking classes for a master's at Princeton, which she was not. So why not use the down time to actually pick up a few extra credentials. (Potential flaw: this could lead to more debt in the short term.)


(2) Open a Wicca Supply Store: By now, everyone agrees, she's not a witch (more contentious is whether she's you). But she's also well positioned to take advantage of the link between her name and witchcraft. It's not like Dan Aykroyd was a real bluesman before he opened the House of Blues in 1992. Why not open a store specializing in pentagrams and the like?


(3) Get Married: O'Donnell told CNN in 1998 that wives should "graciously submit" to their husbands. Recently, she said she's "currently accepting applications for a husband," and that makes some sense: if she had a benevolent, controlling man in her life, he could dictate a path for her, and she wouldn't have to deal with figuring out what's next.


(4) Become a Scientist: As Gandhi said, you have to become the change you want to see. O'Donnell told Bill O'Reilly in 2007 that "American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." What better way to clean up the R&D establishment than by entering it? It's not unlike entering government to reform it. (Caveat: this step may need to be combined with No. 1.)


(5) Return to Punditry: As many people have pointed out, O'Donnell is really a natural pundit—it's how she made her name, and she seems quite comfortable at it. Her profile is higher now, and there's a clear precedent set by Sarah Palin at Fox News. We recommend a two-anchor setup reminiscent of CNN's Parker Spitzer—O'Donnell's warmth and extroversion played well on panel shows like Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect but might be squandered if she's alone at the anchor's desk. We even have a proposal for someone to fill the Spitzer role: California's Jerry Brown, who's in a tight race to retake the governorship he held years ago. Like Spitzer, Brown is an outsize character who could be the liberal half of the duo—although unlike Spitzer, Governor Moonbeam only talks about prostitutes.


6. Ask God. After all, she says he's keeping her in the race.

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