Here's a Letter Colin Kaepernick Should Be Sending to NFL GMs

March 4th, 2017 9:34 AM

Editor's Note: The following blog was published as satire regarding Colin Kaepernick's newfound appreciation for standing for the National Anthem:

Dear Mr. Woody Johnson:

I understand that your ball club is in serious need of a winning QB, and I am writing to apply for the job. Your quarterbacking in 2017 certainly left a lot to be desired, and when I opted out of my contract today, I immediately identified the New York Jets as my destination of choice. I am the logical solution to your quarterbacking problem. As you’ll see in my online resume, I have six years of experience as an NFL quarterback.

During my time in San Francisco, I was a starting QB in a Super Bowl game. I’ve also passed for more than 12,000 yards, thrown for just 30 interceptions and helped my team by making the tackle after two of those picks. Any time I couldn’t find an open receiver and it looked like I was going to get clobbered, I ran like a kid in Ferguson getting chased by cops for no good reason – rushing for 2,300 career yards. As you can see, I will be a great double threat as a passer and runner as your QB.

If I had been allowed to start all 16 games last season, likely I would have won the NFL’s MVP award. But winning the Len Eshmont Award means more to me anyway. This award is named for the 49ers’ player who “best exemplifies the inspirational and courageous play of Len Eshmont, an original member of the 1946 49ers; team.”

I admit it is public knowledge that my knees are an issue. However, I can assure you I will be standing tall next season. My knees will not cause me to fail the physical required of free agent signees, or the psychological evaluation either.

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Writing for The Washington Post, my friend Mark Maske said the issue with my knees was a maneuver that “was praised by some as thoughtful, powerful and admirable amid heightened tensions nationwide about racial relations and the treatment of African-Americans by law enforcement.” I trust you will agree with his objective reporting.  

New York shares my California values, and I will fit right in as a proud resident of the Big Apple. The cops there have nothing to get upset about. When I wore those socks portraying pigs dressed as police officers, I was only referring to the high percentage of rogue officers roaming America’s streets.

I believe in coming out of my gated community now and then giving back to the people who buy my #7 shirts. So I will be available work with the Jets’ community outreach department to help spread Black Lives Matters power principles. When I’m not busy doing BLM fundraisers, I will be available to speak to school groups and to urban journalists friendly to the cause.

I really am a proud American – despite what conservative bigots have said about me. In fact, I will stand and sing the national anthem at any or all of the home games, with your approval. Many people will be surprised to know this, but the national anthem is actually my favorite song. I use it as a ringtone on my Obama phone and sing it every … single … day. With a shout-out to South Park, I’ve record a CD and have enclosed it for your listening pleasure:

(To the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner")

Colin Kaepernick is great.
Cops are pigs, cops are pigs.
Wait, someone just took my stuff, I need to call the cops.
Oh, no, I just said cops are pigs.
Who’s gonna help me get my stuff?
Why did I listen to Colin Kaepernick,
He’s not even any good.
Oh, I just got all my stuff back
Cops are pigs again, cops are pigs.
Colin Kaepernick’s a good back-up—STARTER!
Thank you—thankyouveramuch!

Now that I’m a highly sought-after free agent, I am available at your convenience to come to New York and work out at your practice facility to show off my amazing quarterbacking skills. I believe you will find that I am your QB of the future and you will want to immediately sign me to a rich free agent contract. My good friend Joe Namath and I guarantee you we will win the Super Bowl in 2018. And also, when our team makes that trip to the White House afterwards, I will stand behind my teammates every step of the way.

Sign me. You won’t be sorry!


Colin Kaepernick #7

References available upon request