Maher: 'On the Subject of Slavery, Jesus Says Sweet F***eth-all'

August 16th, 2020 6:04 AM

Friday’s edition of Real Time closed with host Bill Maher issuing a warning to “be careful what you apologize for” and delivering a monologue highlighting the absurdity of cancel culture.  While Maher’s closing monologue did contain some good points, it quickly devolved into an anti-Christian public service announcement.

Maher began the final portion of his satirical segment “New Rules” by pointing out that actors Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively have issued an apology for holding their wedding on a South Carolina plantation eight years ago. He argued that it is impossible to escape from America’s history with slavery because “the Stock Exchange is two blocks away from New York’s first slave market.” The HBO host suggested that “If we start turning history into a big game of guilt by association, it never ends.”

The left-wing comedian spent much of the monologue suggesting that it was a mistake to “pack up our government and pretend none of this country ever happened” by tearing down statues of Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses Grant. Eventually, Maher suggested that by the standards of cancel culture’s proponents, Jesus would have to be canceled: “If being a product of your time is no longer an excuse, what do you have to say about this guy?” At this point, a picture of Jesus appeared on screen.

Maher talked about how “there were plenty of passages from both testaments” that were used by the Confederacy to justify slavery. Maher may have been dabbling in a bit of sarcasm by suggesting the cancellation of Jesus but considering his well-known contempt for religion, it would not come as a shock if he was actually serious about some of his suggestions.

After informing the proponents of cancel culture that “you’re not better than Jesus or Ulysses S. Grant,” Maher proclaimed that “Jesus, you know, being God and all, really should have known better. So, when he comes back to judge the living and the dead, I say he’s got a lot of explaining to do.” Maher asked: “Instead of the bar tricks with the loaves and the wine, why didn’t you zap the chains off a slave?”

According to Maher, “On the subject of slavery, Jesus says sweet f***eth-all.” As his monologue came to a close, Maher suggested that when Jesus returns at the end of time, “we’re going to need an apology” for his “condoning of slavery.” “Rehab would be in order and also sensitivity training,” he added.

While Maher differs from the advocates of cancel culture and others on the far left in some respects, his most recent monologue proved that they do share one thing in common: a hatred of Christianity. Maher suggested that Jesus “can forget about hosting the Oscars.” Considering Hollywood’s animus toward traditional Christianity, it would not come as a surprise if his rant against the religion enabled Maher to secure a gig hosting the Oscars.

A transcript of the relevant portion of Friday’s edition of Real Time is below. Click “expand” to read more.

Real Time With Bill Maher


10:52 PM

BILL MAHER: And finally, new rule: Be careful what you apologize for. 


MAHER: Last week, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively apologized for having their wedding eight years ago at a plantation in South Carolina. And while I’m sure we could all do better in being aware of the presence of racism, including in the past, if this is the new rule, it’s going to be hard to go to a lot of places in the south. It was kind of one big plantation. And not just the south. The Stock Exchange is two blocks from New York’s first slave market. And, in 1991, construction on a new building in lower Manhattan unearthed a massive slave burial ground from the 17th century. Among the businesses that stand over that ground today are a dance studio and a bal…a ballet academy. So, people are literally dancing on those graves. 

Because America…America is Poltergeist. We’re all six degrees from genocidal assholes. If we start turning history into a big game of guilt by association, it never ends. Are we really going to make everyone apologize for standing somewhere that humans used to stand when they were even more barbaric than they are now? Ryan Reynolds said of his wedding “It’s something we’ll always be deeply, unreserved…and unreservedly sorry for,” and it was “a giant, fucking mistake.” Yeah, The Green Lantern was a giant fucking mistake. This was “you got married at a beautiful venue you saw on Pinterest.” Look, every wedding, every funeral, every Slip N’ Slide on this blood-soaked land is inappropriate, the country itself is named after a slave trader named Amerigo. But we can’t just pack up our government and pretend none of this country ever happened.

Here’s a crazy idea: Let’s live in the present and make the future better. Of course, tear down statues of Confederate traitors, but in San Francisco, protestors tore down one of Grant because Grant was once gifted a slave, who he then freed. Okay, not a perfect score, but Grant was the guy who kicked the asses of the other statues you’ve been tearing down. You know, while they were alive and could fight back. A little braver, I’d say. There’s even a drive to remove a statue of Lincoln at the University of Wisconsin because, as one student put it: “I just think he did, you know, some good things…(but) the bad things he’s done definitely outweighs them.” Yeah, I wish I had been raised with the kind of self-esteem parents give their kids these days, where you can think that when it comes to accomplishments in racial justice, you’re just a little bit better than    Abraham Lincoln. Washington and Jefferson are also up for cancellation because they owned slaves, and being a product of your time, that’s not an excuse any more. 

But if that’s the case…if being a product of your time is no longer an excuse, what do you have to say about this guy? And his Dad? He was really strict! And neither one of them had any problem whatsoever with slavery. The Confederacy used the Bible to justify their cause because it has plenty of passages from both testaments to back them up: “Slaves, obey your earthly masters.” “Slaves, be obedient to your human masters.” “Slaves, submit yourself to your masters.” You see a pattern? If we’re going to be consistent, I think we’re going to have to cancel God. Jesus himself says at one point in the Bible, “The servant who knows the master’s will and does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows.” Thanks, son of God! Would you let those words slide if it was somebody’s tweet today? Jesus did heal a slave once…but not to free him, to get him back working because this is how slavery was back then: They didn’t see it as a problem because no one did, and if you had been back there, you wouldn’t have either. 

You’re not better than Jesus or Ulysses S. Grant, you just came later. But I got to say that Jesus, you know, being God and all, really should have known better. So, when he comes back to judge the living and the dead, I say he’s got a lot of explaining to do. Like, hey, you were always performing miracles, instead of the bar tricks with the loaves and the wine, why didn’t you zap the chains off a slave? With all the preachings and the Sermons on Mounts, why not one time throw in a little, “Oh, and this whole ‘people owning other people’ thing, that’s not right?” But no. Nada. On the subject of slavery, Jesus says sweet fucketh-all. So, first thing when he gets back is, we’re going to need an apology. And I mean a real apology, not any of this “I’m sorry if my condoning of slavery caused offense.” And then I think rehab would be in order, and also sensitivity training. Oh, he can forget about hosting the Oscars.