Actress Bette Midler traveled over to CBS and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday to pay tribute to the eponymous host as he winds down his show. While Midler avoided wishing a plague on Colbert’s bosses, she did gush over him in the form of a song that included several references to Colbert’s Lord of the Rings fandom as well as President Trump’s backside.
Colbert began by noticing Midler brought a rolled-up piece of paper with her, “Thank you so much for being here. Did you bring your diploma?”
Midler immediately swooned, “Well, it's not my diploma. It's yours. I want to beg you, don't go. Don't go. Don’t go. Don't go.”
She added, “I worked this up for you because I wanted to thank you personally and publicly for all you did for me for these last nine and a half years. I would not—really. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I would not—I'm going to cry. I would not have made it through without you. I really wouldn't have.”
Midler further told Colbert that, “You were a voice of sanity and reason and honesty and most important, honor. Honor.”
Eventually, Midler revealed that the paper contained lyrics to a song she wrote that began, “It must have been cold here at The Late Show, despite the high ratings and awards, you need a gig that's more worthwhile now that you're more in demand than Epstein's file.”
Midler’s ode continued, “Did you ever know that you're my Frodo? You stand for what's right with wit and class. Thank you. And I hold you high as the great eagles 'cause you never kissed the orange ass. You never kissed the orange ass, never kissed the orange ass. Oh, you, you, you, you never—”
After the audience finished with “kissed the orange ass,” Midler got to what she thought was the best part, “Fly, fly, fly away like Gandalf's golden wings. Thank you. Thank you. Thank God for you, the lord of all our rings.”
Being the Tolkien nerd that he is, Colbert surely knows that the Lord of the Rings is Sauron, the main villain of the series. Bad Lord of the Rings analogies aside, Colbert is arguably the most partisan of all the late night hosts, which is saying something considering the competition. When Midler says Colbert helped her through the last decade, it reveals that for liberals, the late night comedy shows have become a group therapy session first and a comedy show second.
Here is a transcript for the October 14-taped show:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
10/15/2024
12:04 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you so much for being here. Did you bring your diploma?
BETTE MIDLER: I did. I did. Well, it's not my diploma. It's yours. I want to beg you, don't go. Don't go. Don’t go. Don't go.
COLBERT: I am here until May before I return to Narnia.
MIDLER: I know, but I'm not coming back.
COLBERT: Oh, okay.
MIDLER: No, I might. I worked this up for you because I wanted to thank you personally and publicly for all you did for me for these last nine and a half years. I would not—really. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I would not—I'm going to cry. I would not have made it through without you. I really wouldn't have.
COLBERT: Oh, that’s very sweet of you to say. Thank you.
MIDLER: You were a voice of sanity and reason and honesty and most important, honor. Honor.
COLBERT: That's nice of you to say. Occasionally funny I hope too.
MIDLER: Oh no, wait. That goes without saying. You're hilarious, but it's all this other stuff mixed in which is so rare nowadays. Anyway. So I wrote a little something for you and—
COLBERT: It’s a proclamation?
MIDLER: I feel you're a national—Well, it's a kind of a proclamation. You know, I have a long reputation for singing certain talk show hosts off the air and so—
COLBERT: I know that. I was going to show everybody this, this is you famously with Johnny back at the end of his run.
MIDLER: Oh yes, famously with Johnny.
COLBERT: I would never compare myself to Johnny, but that —I know, of course.
MIDLER: No, no, no, please. You know, I sang Krusty the Clown off too.
COLBERT: Krusty? I knew Krusty well. He deserved it.
MIDLER: I did. I sang Krusty — he sure did. I was in a Simpsons once I was thrilled. Thrilled. Anyway, so this is what I wrote. But I have to find my note and I haven't sung in a long time, so I—
COLBERT: What note do you need?
MIDLER: I need a — If I only knew. I think it's a B-flat. But I wouldn't do it. I would go...
MMM. It must have been cold here at The Late Show, despite the high ratings and awards, you need a gig that's more worthwhile now that you're more in demand than Epstein's file.
Did you ever know that you're my Frodo? You stand for what's right with wit and class. Thank you. And I hold you high as the great eagles 'cause you never kissed the orange ass. You never kissed the orange ass, never kissed the orange ass. Oh, you, you, you, you never—
AUDIENCE: Kissed the orange ass.
MIDLER: Wait, wait, wait.
COLBERT: No, I don't get to kiss you?
MIDLER: This is the best part.
Fly, fly, fly away like Gandalf's golden wings. Thank you. Thank you. Thank God for you, the lord of all our rings.
