ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel reignited his long-running feud with Texas Sen. Ted Cruz on Thursday as he hired Trixie Mattel of RuPaul’s Drag Race to read portions of Cruz’s new book, Unwoke: How to Defeat Cultural Marxism in America, to children and to speculate about the senator’s nipples.
Mattel read from The Little Mermaid portion of the book, ‘“Take something everyone loves, stuff it folk of woke neo-Marxist ideas and then put it on the air. If people point out the ideas and the show are bad, you can always claim they're racists, fascists or both. Disney's reboot of the beloved Little Mermaid was a case in point.’…’Instead of admitting that Disney had managed to ruin a classic, defenders of the subpar remake, including its star, accused the public of racism.’”
One of the assembled children proclaimed, “But then the original Little Mermaid was good and the other Little Mermaid was good, the new one.”
Mattel wondered, “Can't they both be good?” to which the child replied, “Yeah, they both are.” Mattel then declared, “Well, children liked The Little Mermaid, right? So, it's almost like they should be the ones to say if it's good.”
As absurd as the surface-level premise for this segment is and beyond the drag queen story hour trolling attempt, the serious point Kimmel and Mattel were trying to make is that Cruz, and conservatives more generally, are weirdos for focusing on woke issues. However, in the back of the very book Mattel was reading from, the source Cruz cites is the very much not conservative NPR and Alisha Harris and if we were to make children the final critics of all things, they would only ever eat candy.
Later, Mattel “read” from another section of the book, “In the winter of 2021 when weather conditions in Texas were unacceptable, I took a harmless trip to Mexico. Now, all of us who are parents have a responsibility to take care of our kids, to take care of our families and as a senator I have the added responsibility to my supporters to look and feel my best at all times. Which is why it was of the utmost importance that I head to Cancun to tan my nipples in peace."
Another child labeled the fake book “just disturbing” and wondered “What in kind of a world would somebody need to tan their nipples?”
Mattel informed the children, “I found a little bit of a base tan with spray tan gives you depth of color, but that's just me” before asking “Well, I think we all learned a lot today, what do you think?”
The kids naturally said no before Mattel gave them all copies of the book “to take home, share with your family, friends. All right, kids. Those are your books. You can do whatever you want with them.”
Predictably, they all lined up to put the book in the garbage.
Here is a transcript for the November 9 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
11/9/2023
11:47 PM ET
TRIXIE MATTEL: “Take something everyone loves, stuff it folk of woke neo-Marxist ideas and then put it on the air. If people point out the ideas and the show are bad, you can always claim they're racists, fascists or both. Disney's reboot of the beloved Little Mermaid was a case in point." Did anybody see that?
CHILD 1: It came out on my birthday.
CHILD: It did
MATTEL: “Instead of admitting that Disney had managed to ruin a classic, defenders of the subpar remake, including its star, accused the public of racism.”
CHILD 2: But then the original Little Mermaid was good and the other Little Mermaid was good, the new one.
MATTEL: Can't they both be good?
CHILD 2: Yeah, they both are.
MATTEL: Well, children liked The Little Mermaid, right?
CHILDREN: Yeah.
CHILD 1: The new one came out on my birthday.
MATTEL: So, it's almost like they should be the ones to say if it's good.
CHILD 2: I just want to say out loud right now, the book is boring.
MATTEL: Thank you. Should we go to a different page, this one was so boring, right?
[crosstalk]
CHILD 2: Wait, wait. Instead of skipping a page -- skip a book!
MATTEL: Skip-- we should just – whole different book—
CHILDREN: Yup. Yeah.
MATTEL: Yeah, all right, let me just. So, "In the winter of 2021 when weather conditions in Texas were unacceptable, I took a harmless trip to Mexico. Now, all of us who are parents have a responsibility to take care of our kids, to take care of our families and as a senator I have the added responsibility to my supporters to look and feel my best at all times. Which is why it was of the utmost importance that I head to Cancun to tan my nipples in peace."
CHILD 3: That's just disturbing.
MATTEL: On the count of three, we're going to decide whether or not we like the book. Are you guys ready?
CHILDREN: Yes!
MATTEL: One, two, three -- oooh!
CHILD: Sad Ted.
MATTEL: What was your problem with the book? What do you guys think?
CHILD 3: What in kind of a world would somebody need to tan their nipples?
MATTEL: Especially since you can just do it at the tanning salon, right?
CHILD 3: I know, crazy, right?
MATTEL: I found a little bit of a base tan with spray tan gives you depth of color, but that's just me. Well, I think we all learned a lot today, what do you think?
CHILDREN: No.
CHILD 4: No, we learned nothing today.
MATTEL: Well -- there is more in the book. You know, I couldn't get through all of it today because we only have an eight-hour school day. So I thought I would give you all copies of Unwoke to take home, share with your family, friends. All right, kids. Those are your books. You can do whatever you want with them.
CHILD 4: Okay, we can do whatever we want.
