The Root Lobbies for 49ers to Sign Kaepernick, Claims White Supremacists Won't Allow it

September 26th, 2018 9:00 AM

Every time a starting quarterback in the NFL goes down with a serious injury, some sports writer is quick to urge that team to sign free agent Colin Kaepernick (seen in file photo). It happened again when San Francisco's Jimmy Garoppolo suffered a season-ending knee injury Sunday. The Root's Stephen A. Crockett Jr. and Michael Harriot offer six "legit reasons" why the 49ers should bring back their former QB and one why they won't.

The Root duo view the 49ersis as "one of the few teams that hasn’t discouraged players from protesting and they are also Colin Kaepernick’s former team, all signs pointed to an eventual reunion between the glorious afro that once was and his former team." The co-writers preceded their list by acknowledging they don't believe the 49ers will sign Kaepernick because he doesn't fit the team's offensive system -- "which is NFL white-speak for 'I don’t see color' or 'my closest friend is black.'"

1. It Effectively Ends Kaepernick’s Lawsuit
After Kaepernick was "white-balled" from the NFL he filed a collusion case against the league. Now it's looking more and more like Kaepernick is right. The Root duo say: "And he is right. The NFL knows this. White America knows this. Trump has preached about this. ... Hiring him effectively proves that there is no collusion. Hiring him would also push him to drop the lawsuit which is a win-win for all involved."
2. No Black Player on Any Defense Will Hurt Kaepernick... Ever
Players who now aren't bold enough to protest could show support for him by "letting him be amazing. It is impossible to estimate how many touchdowns Kaepernick would throw, but I guarantee he would have zero interceptions because almost every defensive back in the NFL is black and they would suddenly come down with a case of butterfingers even if they threw the ball directly at him."
3. NFL Ratings Would Soar
Kaepernick will attract the viewership of fans who love him and hate him. "Colin Kaepernick games would easily be the most-watched if for nothing else than those who burned their 'Barbecue 7s' will be watching to see him get knocked out of the game, which won’t happen. See, reason 2."
4. It Would Solve America’s Political Problems
"Robert Mueller could stop investigating Russian collusion because Donald Trump’s head would explode if the 49ers signed Colin Kaepernick. Mike Pence would probably object, but only if his wife allowed him to do so and also, who gives a fuck what Mike Pence thinks about football? I’m pretty sure Mike Pence only watches church league softball.
"Even if Trump survived his racism aneurism, he would go down as the first president to be impeached for using the n-word in an official document when he issued an executive order banning kneeling during the flag, which would be upheld when 40-year-old-virgin, Kegmaster and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh casts the deciding vote in Kaepernick v Trump."
5. Kaepernick Jersey Sales Would Soar

"Never underestimate white people’s love for burning shit. They love to burn shit and this will (sic) the flag-fellators something else to burn. And why would the NFL give a shit once they have the money?"


6. There is No Downside

"Even if Kaepernick sucks, it’s not like the other options don’t suck too. Plus, the 49ers would become the unofficial team of Black America. ...

"And if Kaepernick plays well, the 49ers could serve as an outlet for white rage. They’d be the bizarro New England Patriots, the official team of white nationalism. (I don’t know if that’s true, but if I was a white nationalist, I’d trumpet Tom Brady as the Aryan example of white superiority.)"

After ranting about how great Kaepernick would be for the NFL, Harriot and Crockett dismiss the idea of the 49ers signing him for one basic reason: "White Supremacy":

"They aren’t going to allow the inmates to tell them how to run the prison. They can’t control Colin Kaepernick and that’s what scares them the most. In the end, Kaepernick is a free black man and the NFL can’t stand it. He’s proven that his convictions mean more than their money and their interest in putting a winning team on the field. They are willing to go to court and lose just to keep him chained. At least this way they know exactly what to do with him—nothing."