Comedian Lewis Black swung by Comedy Central and The Daily Show on Thursday to tie the 133 cardinals currently voting in the papal conclave to the Church’s child sexual abuse scandals. Black would also suggest that the cardinals actually support those who commit sex crimes.
In a clip, ABC’s James Longman gave viewers a rundown on how the conclave works, “The candidate must win two-thirds majority, which could take multiple votes. Twice a day, ballots will be burned, and smoke released from the Vatican's chimney. Black meaning no winner. White signals a new pope.”
Black reacted to Longman’s report by adding, “And red smoke means another altar boy fell in the incinerator. Oopsie! Should have kept his mouth shut!”
Introducing another montage of news clips that provided details on what happens during a conclave, Black declared, “Now, I'd love to tell you more about the conclave, but it's a lot like masturbating: You don't talk about it.”
The last clip in the series featured CBS’s Tony Dokoupil using some unfortunate Gen Z slang that to other generations has, let’s just say, a different definition, “I believe the kids call it ‘raw dogging’ it, if you're going to go through a long period of time with no electronic device.”
Black reacted, “I’m pretty sure when cardinals are involved, the kids call it something other than ‘raw dogging.’ Plus, without their phones, how will these guys follow the Diddy trial? They're huge fans of his work.” Amid the audience reaction, he added, “Oh, stop.”
While Black may lean into the abrasive “angry man” persona for his routines, there was no compelling reason to pour salt in the wounds during such a solemn time and smear cardinals who had nothing to do with the original scandal.
Here is a transcript for the May 7 show:
Comedy Central The Daily Show
5/7/2025
11:14 PM ET
LEWIS BLACK: But now the Vatican has to elect a new pope, and you know what that means: conclave!
LOCAL NEWS REPORTER: The conclave is now underway, 133 cardinals filing into the Sistine Chapel where they will vote on the next pope.
JAMES LONGMAN: The candidate must win two-thirds majority, which could take multiple votes. Twice a day, ballots will be burned, and smoke released from the Vatican's chimney. Black meaning no winner. White signals a new pope.
BLACK: And red smoke means another altar boy fell in the incinerator. Oopsie! Should have kept his mouth shut! Why have all these endless rounds of voting? Just keep it simple: Let a gorilla loose in the Vatican and whoever survives is the winner. And if it's the gorilla, so be it. All hail Pope Coco! Now, I'd love to tell you more about the conclave, but it's a lot like masturbating: You don't talk about it.
MARY CALVI: 100 Vatican staff and clergy took a solemn oath today, swearing that what happens inside the secret conclave stays secret forever.
ANNE THOMPSON: Cardinals locked away inside the Sistine Chapel with no electronics.
LONGMAN: No phones, no computers, no televisions, completely isolated from the outside world.
TONY DOKOUPIL: I believe the kids call it "raw dogging" it, if you're going to go through a long period of time with no electronic device.
REPORTER: Yeah.
BLACK: I’m pretty sure when cardinals are involved, the kids call it something other than "raw dogging." Plus, without their phones, how will these guys follow the Diddy trial? They're huge fans of his work. Oh, stop.
