During his opening monologue Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel trashed President Trump’s supporters as well as the “strict anti-choice laws” in southern states such as Alabama. After weighing in on President Trump’s re-election kickoff, Kimmel unveiled a public service announcement for the pro-abortion movement.
Kimmel began by mentioning that “Trump’s campaign team has come up with a diabolical way to make money. Every time the President says or tweets something crazy, it causes a surge in online activity because people want to know what he said so whenever that happens, the campaign floods the web with ads right at those moments, to encourage his supporters to buy #MAGA merchandise. Basically, they’ve figured out a way to monetize stupid.” This haughty rhetoric mirrors Kimmel’s reaction to the people who donated to the GoFundMe page to fund the border wall, suggesting those people were “dipping into their meth money for this.”
Kimmel eventually began weighing in on the newly passed abortion laws, complaining that “several southern states are doing what they can to overturn Roe v. Wade.” He focused specifically on Alabama’s “near total abortion ban” before appearing to trash the state of Alabama by saying “no woman should ever be forced to raise a child in Alabama. It just shouldn’t happen.” Kimmel complained that “these strict anti-choice laws put women’s reproductive rights at risk.”
At this point, Kimmel begin playing a video that could have easily been written by Planned Parenthood. The video featured a woman, played by actress Rachel Bloom, walking into an exercise class as a narrator recited left-wing talking points, specifically romanticizing plan B as “a safe way to give you the reproductive choices you need when you need it most.”
As someone attempted to hand the woman a Plan B, the Plan B quickly disappeared and was replaced with a note saying “Plan B now unavailable”. At this point, the narrator began reciting some more left-wing talking points, saying that in lieu of Plan B, the woman can rely on Plan C: “C stands for car, as in get in one and drive 230 miles or so to a neighboring state.” As the woman drove in her car, a voice on the radio talked about how “Alabama has essentially outlawed emergency contraception. Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, even Ohio. They’re all trying to restrict women’s reproductive health rights.”
The narrator began to outline some other options “now that you’re actually pregnant.” These options included “Plan D. D is for doctor. Just find someone who claims to be one on Craigslist. Meet them behind a Popeye’s Fried Chicken and voila. Who says women don’t have the right to choose?” Plan E involved getting emotional and crying “that sucker right out of you.”
The video ended with the narrator describing “Plan F, as in f***ed because that’s what you are.” At this point, the woman was dressed in a Handmaid’s Tale costume and very unhappily holding two screaming babies; sort of implying that pregnancy was a disease.
Perhaps Cecile Richards can fill in for Jimmy Kimmel if he ever needs a night off.
A transcript of the relevant portion of Thursday’s edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
JIMMY KIMMEL: The President is having a bigly and busy week this week. He launched his reelection campaign in Orlando and he made the cover of Time magazine, where it looks like they named him “desk salesman of the month.”
KIMMEL: How is this a natural way to position your body? You can see in the interview, Mr. Trump says my whole life is a bet and yes, and right now, the White House is running about as smoothly as one of his bankrupt casinos. Trump chatted with Time for about an hour. He had a lot to say. He again made the claim that no one in history has been treated as unfairly as he has. He said he’s done more in two and a half years than any President ever. He actually had someone bring him a list of, of his accomplishments, he had 72 bullet-pointed accomplishments, which ranged from won the election to saved a turkey’s life at Thanksgiving. At one point during the interview, he ordered Diet Coke by pushing a button. He has a red button that indicates that he is in need of a Diet Coke. It’s right on his desk. It’s next to the pasta faucet that dispenses ranch dressing into his mouth. I thought that was interesting. Trump was on Fox News last night being lathered with love by Sean Hannity and among other things, the President boasted about the size of the crowd at his kick-off rally.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: It was like being at a world championship college football game where the score was tied going into the last minute. It was, the entire rally. It was an incredible scene. And outside, there were thousands of people. And, I mean, we were asking people not to show up. We were saying please don’t come, letting the word out, because we had 121,000 people.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: By the way, we searched everywhere today, found no evidence they asked anyone not to come.
KIMMEL: In fact, he tweeted multiple times to say they’d have food trucks and big screen TVs outside the area, the arena. So anyway, the city officials in Orlando estimated the crowd at 19,792. So, he’s only off by about 100,000 people. It’s not…this is another interesting McNugget from the interview with Time. Trump’s campaign team has come up with a diabolical way to make money. Every time the President says or tweets something crazy, it causes a surge in online activity because people want to know what he said. So whenever that happens, the campaign floods the web with ads, right at those moments to encourage his supporters to buy #MAGA merchandise. Basically, they’ve figured out a way to monetize stupid, which is kind of smart, really but Trump has been…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: …raking it in since he announced his intent to be re-elected. They made almost $25 million the day after his pep rally and there’s plenty of exciting new merchandise for sale, including this incredible piece of shirt. This is, no this is not the cover of a Kid Rock album. That is our President. Let’s put that up on the wall so we can really take it in. Okay? All right, let me show you, let me show you what we have over here, because this is really something special. This is, you can see the President of the United States perched atop a runaway train, wearing what appears to be a championship wrestling belt with machine gun bandoliers across his chest. There’s a large unexplained explosion behind him to symbolize America and okay, so up there you see a helicopter; seems to be firing missiles at a bald eagle. The bald eagle’s also carrying a weapon of some kind, as eagles do. And then down here, I don’t know if you see down here, there’s a little blue bird just kind of hangin’ out. I don’t know if that’s for Twitter or he’s planning to deep fry it and eat it for breakfast but there’s the bird. And then up here, you see there’s a, a flying saucer, a UFO which means we need to send in the space force. And obviously, this shirt is available in tank top, too. So, anyway, that’s what you get your uncle for Christmas.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: Well, this is an issue that is going to be a major part of this election in 2020. Several southern states are doing what they can to overturn Roe v. Wade. Conservatives in Mississippi, Georgia, and Alabama have enacted new anti-abortion laws, with the hope they can get the Supreme Court to reverse its decision on the landmark case. Alabama has enacted a near total abortion ban, which is very scary. No woman should ever be forced to raise a child in Alabama. It just shouldn’t happen. And this is an issue that…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: …that has divided this country for almost 50 years. Pro-lifers insist they’re not anti-choice, they say women are still free to pick the name of the baby with the husband’s permission of course, but these strict anti-choice laws put women’s reproductive rights at risk and thanks to these laws, not only is the right to get an abortion being threatened, even birth control is becoming more difficult to get.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: For today’s woman, having choices matters more than ever. When you need emergency contraception, the number one OB-GYN recommended method is Plan B. Plan B is a safe way to give you the reproductive choices you need when you need it most...
ANNOUNCER: Actually, Plan B might not be available in your state.
RACHEL BLOOM: Wait, what?
ANNOUNCER: Fortunately, there’s plan C. C stands for car, as in get in one and drive 230 miles or so to a neighboring state.
MALE VOICE-OVER: And Alabama has essentially outlawed emergency contraception. Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, even Ohio. They’re all trying to restrict women’s reproductive health rights.
ANNOUNCER: Now that you’re actually pregnant, it’s time to consider other options. Plan D. D is for doctor. Just find someone who claims to be one on Craigslist. Meet them behind a Popeye’s Fried Chicken and voila. Who says women don’t have the right to choose?
DOCTOR: Hey, Darlin’. Get in the car.
ANNOUNCER: Okay, okay. How about this? Plan E. Get emotional. Go ahead and cry. Just cry that sucker right out of you.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey. How’d it work?
ANNOUNCER: Okay. Try this one on for size. Plan F. As in f***ed. Because that’s what you are. Would it kill you to smile?
MALE ANNOUNCER: Available at Walgreens.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: Thanks to the very talented Rachel Bloom, the star and creator of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” for being a part of that.