New Republic: How Hillary Can Win With Apps

April 4th, 2015 10:38 PM

I had to check the publication date on the article of New Republic senior editor Elspeth Reeve to make sure it wasn't published on April Fools Day. The date was April 3 so she wasn't fooling which makes her story about how Hillary Clinton should choose the right apps to make herself the inevitable nominee when she announces that she is running for president even funnier.  Of course, no word in the story about policy. It's all hip technology.

Reeve analyzes in detail the pros and cons of each app available to Hillary. So let us now join Reeve in her highly detailed analysis of the apps that could be the best fit for Hillary's announcement as we enter a policy-free, issues-free, and thought-free zone:

Clinton is a juggernaut, maybe unstoppable, a massive asteroid that will crush all in her path. Even so, she's not invulnerable. She has her flaws, her scars, her vulnerabilities. One of them is that, after 30 years in the public eye, she's a relic of the past, a '90s throwback, an old-timer who has spent her best ideas. And so Clinton, a baby boomer, must convince Gen X political reporters that she totally gets the millennials.

How could she do this? With apps. Here are the Clinton campaign's possible social media announcement options, ranked.

Why do I get the feeling that Reeve was chewing bubble gum while writing that? Now for her checklist of possible Hillary Announcement apps.

6. Facebook

Pros: There are infinity moms on Facebook. Posting on Facebook first signals solidarity with the mom community and has the potential for massive numbers of shares and likes and comments with likes of their own. Clinton could game the system and drive those numbers even higher by using a baby picture plus the newsfeed algorithm magic word "congratulations."

Cons: The teens are abandoning Facebook: it's down to only 38 percent young people. Reading the Facebook newsfeed is like slipping into a pink bubble bath of hell. That's why it's so popular. Facebook is lame. It does not signal the future.

Has Hillary unfriended Jeffrey Epstein of Sex Fiend Island yet?

5. Twitter

Pros: Clinton has promised a new relationship with the press, and Twitter is where reporters live. A reference to a classic tweet would show the candidate's social media savvy and rebut criticism that she's too risk-averse.

Cons: Twitter is the natural home of rage, outrage, and other unpleasant things.

Unpleasant things like mockery.

4. Forwarded Email with Phishing Scam

Pros: Less-sophisticated computer users will try to scrub the virus from their machines and be directed to the campaign website. The strategy has a strong potential to convert supporters to donors and is likely to resonate with older people, who vote in higher numbers.

Cons: Announcement could spread slowly if a large number of grandmas forget to check their AOL accounts. Negative associations with malware could inspire blog posts comparing the Clintons to a virus.

How about negative associations with Hillary and e-mail, especially e-mail servers? This app is easily the worst idea of them all. I'm surprised the author forgot all about Hillary's missing e-mail scandal. And her need to use just one cell phone for her e-mails? That was also a scam although not a Phishing Scam.

3. Snapchat

Pros: Snapchat has 100 million users, 71 percent of whom are millennials. The app is the thing everyone is talking about this month as the future of all media. Communicates "totally gets it."

Cons: Not shareable. Lingering sexting connotations (could spark thinkpieces speculating about Bill Clinton's snaps). Too ephemeral—Hillary Clinton is here to stay.

And the jokes about her e-mail will live on forever. See previous app.

2. Amber Alert

Pros: Guaranteed attention from a huge audience. Voters would have to look at and read Clinton's name on their phones, even if only to dismiss the message. Subtle reminder that a large government program can work well. Positive associations include communities working together and families reunited.

Cons: Some negative associations, such as kidnapping.

Does the author want to destroy Hillary's campaign just as it launches? Way to alienate just about everybody in the country. Using Amber alert for personal political reasons.

1. Tumblr

Pros: Politics is about words and images, Tumblr's currency in trade. The personal, confessional tone of the site would be humanizing. It's cool, yet self-effacing. Very sharable.

Cons: Intentionally DIY feel might confuse older voters. Some teens will still be ineligible to vote in 2016.

Ineligible to vote? When has that ever stopped Democrat voters? Is there a ghost app for Chicago voters to cast their ballots from beyond the grave?