#LoveWins on Scream Queens. Well, actually, love gets suffocated in a bathtub by a ghoul dressed up as a Red Devil. But, still, it makes a sexually confused sorority girl feel better about herself. So, it’s all good.
Tuesday night’s episode “Seven Minutes in Hell,” followed the ambiguous sexual odyssey of one sorority girl, known as “Chanel #3” (Billie Lourd), as she explores whether or not she is a lesbian by rigging a game of Spin the Bottle at the sorority sleepover so she’ll have to kiss the “Predatory Lez,” a girl who is heavily tattooed and, well, predatory looking:
Chanel: Nope! Not doing this. I don't understand why we're playing Spin the Bottle. There are exactly zero wangers here.
Sorority Girl: Chanel, I will act as proxy and kiss Candle Vlogger so that you don't have to. You taste like wax.
Candle Vlogger: You taste good, too.
Chanel #3: My turn. It's my turn. There. I just spun it. Dear God, if you really exist, please show me by letting it land on Predatory Lez so I can explore these confusing, conflicting feelings I've been having lately. Re-spin. New rule: You can re-spin. Oh. Sam. I guess we have to kiss.
Sam: You're a great kisser.
Chanel #3: Thanks. I guess you're okay.
Chanel: I'll say it again. I don't know why we're doing this.
On the upside, good that God finally got a mention on a show that desperately needs divine intervention. On the downside, God was only given a shout by a girl hoping for a divinely directed bottle to point the right way so she could execute her lesbian smooch.
So, progress? We move on.
Chanel #3’s obvious lack of enthusiasm with the kiss leads to a bathroom confession later on when, after the Predatory Lez is preyed upon and eventually suffocated with a plastic bag by a murdering devil, Chanel #3 opens up with what she believes is the real lesson she has learned:
Sorority Girl: I'm sorry about Sam.
Chanel #3: Thanks. I miss her. I loved her. Her tattoos and the way she wore that hat without any irony at all. She awakened a deep sexual honesty in me that, up until now, I was afraid to admit.
Sorority Girl: Wait, you're a lesbian?
Chanel #3: No. At first, my feelings for Sam made me think I was. But then, in that moment, when I kissed her, I realized I didn't care if she was a girl or a guy. Basically, I'm in love with love. And Sam dying taught me that... The next time I feel love for someone, I'm going to tell them. Right away. Just in case they're murdered before I can.
Sorority Girl: It was like her final gift to you.
Chanel #3: That's a nice way of thinking about it. Makes me feel a little less guilty about condemning her to die by daring her to go down to the basement alone.
Ah, so there it is. The moral of the story isn’t that Chanel #3 is a lesbian, or that she’s straight, or bi, or a member of the Bull Moose Party. No, the moral of the story is that love is love. It cannot be defined or restrained, and damn your artificial, patriarchal views on what love is supposed to be!
Or something.
