Corporate Employees Suicidal on Anti-Business Comedy Central Show

January 25th, 2018 8:15 AM

All corporations are evil, according to Comedy Central’s new show, Corporate. In classical liberal fashion, Wednesday’s episode perpetuates the liberal stereotype that big business is corrupt and its employees are miserable.

The third episode, titled, “The Pain of Being Alive,” describes the unhappy lives of corporate employees, even indicating the number of “suicidal thoughts” the average employee has per day.



Grace: As you all know, profits for Hampton Deville are at an all-time high. Unfortunately, the well-being of our employees is at an all-time low. Let's take a look at the average Hampton Deville employee. The average life expectancy for a Hampton Deville employee is 57.1 years. They get 5.2 hours of sleep a night...

Matt: I'm so tired. I wish I could be asleep all the time.

Jake: You just described death.

Matt: Hmm. Yeah, I guess I want to be dead. 

Jake: I can't wait to die. It sounds so relaxing. 

Grace: The average employee is half man, half woman. They have one testicle, one breast, and half a vagina. Every year, the average employee consumes 561 cups of coffee...

Matt: I feel nothing when I drink coffee.

Jake: Coffee is a scam. Be an adult. Take an Adderall. 

Grace: The average Hampton Deville employee strongly agrees with the following phrase. "If I see a pill, I eat a pill." They smoke 275 cigarettes annually, 97 marijuana cigarettes, and due to some statistical outliers, the average employee does heroin.

Jake: I would never do heroin. Unless I was dying, or someone just offered it to me.

Matt: I don't have a 401(k), so as of now, my retirement plan is to overdose on drugs.

Jake: Smart.

Grace: The average employee has 7.8 suicidal thoughts per day, 18 panic attacks a year, and wonders once an hour, every hour, why this is happening to them. And that concludes my presentation on how Hampton Deville employees cope with the pain of being alive.

The episode continues with this theme. Jake’s recent spine surgery reveals an opioid addiction problem, with employees bending over backwards to get him to share his painkillers to numb the pain of working at Hampton Deville.

Despite the fact that people who work in corporations do so voluntarily, and receive an income, insurance, and benefits in return, Corporate treats big business as a tyranny. Under the guise of comedy, Corporate’s hostility toward corporations and the people who work for them sends the message that anyone who works for a corporation, regardless of how content they are with their job, should feel unhappy, and maybe even suicidal.