Guardian Writer Claims Trump Made Her Too Weak to Open Jars

Help! President Donald Trump so completely controls my mind that I have been physically weakened to the extent that I can even open jars!

Brigid Delaney, a fitness writer for the Australian edition of The Guardian newspaper, claimed on July 4 that the election of Donald Trump sent her into such a funk that she quit going to the gym with the result that her body strength declined precipitously. Delaney made her revelation of Trump's complete domination of her mind and body in I stopped going to the gym because of Trump. Now I can't open jars:

It was November 2016 and the only person I knew who believed Trump would win the US election was the owner of my gym. This was clearly a ridiculous prediction so, seeing the chance for some easy money, I offered to bet him $100 that Hillary would win.

A sure bet to win, right? Or so you as well as the entire mainstream media and the crowd at the Javits Center thought on Election Night. 

But the gym owner, clearly not wanting to do his dough, pointed at this horrible thing in the corner with the name “sled” and said: “If Trump wins you have to pull 70kg on it.”

It was double what I could usually pull. And, if I won the bet, the gym owner would pull double his personal best.

Hey, at least he saved you a hundred bucks.

After Trump claimed victory, I went up to the gym in a foul mood. “Just fucking load up the fucking sled, all right, and let’s get it over with,” I said without much grace as I strapped a belt around my waist.

Amazingly, The Guardian published the f-words in their complete, obscene glory.

I pulled the sled like a human oxen while being filmed and the gym staff cheered. I did it. But the Trump victory soured my successful show of strength.

Yeah, I could pull a pretend sled. But how was that going to help me when the world had been destroyed by nuclear weapons or climate change?

So why didn't you post that video of you acting as a human oxen with your article or at least a link to it? If anybody out there finds that video please let your humble correspondent know and I will add it to an update of this tragic story of an Australian fitness writer brought to a state of weakness by Trump.

...I also didn’t return to the gym. I associated it now with Donald Trump, the bad meal and pulling the sled.

It was 9 November 2016 and my thinking about fitness changed almost overnight. In tune with the times, it became more Trump, less Obama.

In the spirit of the Donald, I drank more bottles of Diet Coke and ate more McDonald’s. I dropped the gym – embracing Trump’s belief that we are given a certain amount of energy and if we use it then we are depleting a finite resource.

Wow! Donald Trump dominating your soul to the extent of not only affecting your energy level but also your diet. Have you dyed your hair a pumpkin orange color yet?

...Months passed. Then a year. Trump was going to be in power for another 1,000 years. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Could I really avoid the gym for the entirety of his presidency?

I missed being strong enough to open jars and carry groceries. So, last week, I returned to the gym, slinking back in as if no time had passed. I hoped that by wearing a puffy jacket and MC Hammer pants I could hide my lack of definition – that I could pretend I had maintained my fitness on my own. At home, running to the building next door. On the couch. While tweeting.

But you can’t hide fitness. You either have it or you don’t. You can either lift the dumbbell or you can wobble on your fifth rep and drop the load.

You are either strong or you are weak. And I was weak.

Yes, very weak. Especially in the head. Even Hillary Clinton could open pickle jars. Of course, since there was no distinctive "pop" sound when she opened her jar, many suspect it was pre-opened.


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2016 Presidential The Guardian Donald Trump