When Comedy Central host Larry Wilmore plugged his White House Correspondents’ Association dinner hosting gig on CBS This Morning, the hosts absurdly praised him for being a “passionate centrist.” But if a review of his hosting duties at The Nightly Show is an indicator of who he will skewer the most at Saturday’s event, expect a lot of crass shots taken at the Republicans who are running for president.
Since the start of the campaign Wilmore saved his most vicious jokes for conservatives and the GOP field, particularly Ted Cruz. Wilmore likened the conservative Texas Senator to a serial killer that wears a “skin-suit” and called him a “self-hating dildo.” Wilmore also accused Cruz and Florida Senator Marco Rubio of fleeing from their Hispanic heritage. And he suggested Carly Fiorina was selling out women with her opposition to Planned Parenthood. Meanwhile the openly-socialist Bernie Sanders was greeted with the following Wilmore hardball: “Are you Jesus?”
The following is a collection of Wilmore’s most obnoxious jokes as host of Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show from the MRC’s archive:
Cruz is a “Self-Hating Dildo”
“In 2004, Ted Cruz fought to preserve a law that banned the sale of dildos in Texas....It’s just such a shame to see dildos persecuted and marginalized by one of their own. Right?....I’d expect more from one of our most prominent human dildos, and I just think dildo-Americans should be standing up for other dildos. Is all I’m saying here. But you know I guess back in 2004, Cruz was just another self-hating dildo....Now Cruz also wrote, ‘There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.’ This is a guy who defends this phallic symbol [picture of a gun] but thinks the problem is this phallic symbol [picture of a dildo]. All right? Which means he thinks we should live in society where it should be easier to off women than to get women off.”
— Comedy Central host Larry Wilmore on The Nightly Show, April 14, 2016.
Who is Batsh*t Crazier? Cruz or Trump?
“Now for months now Donald Trump’s been saying some crazy racist things, like banning all Muslims, building the wall, Mexican border, blah, blah, blah. Racist, racist, racist. And yesterday, Ted Cruz jumped in that racist crazy train and angered a lot of people by releasing a statement that said, you know ‘we need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized.’ Right? Okay, so my question is, who is batsh*t crazier? Who’s a scarier choice for America? Cruz or Trump?...Cruz, to me, is just more dangerous. Trump is just a fool to me.”
— Host Larry Wilmore on Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show, March 23, 2016.
Hey Bernie, Are You Jesus?
Host Larry Wilmore: “You used to be a carpenter. Is that right?
Sen. Bernie Sanders: “Well, I used to help out in...”
Wilmore: “Help out a carpenter?”
Sanders: “I wouldn’t want to go too far on that.”
Wilmore: “And you’re Jewish?”
Sanders: “Yes. Ha! I get where you’re going!”
Wilmore: “I’m just saying. And the Pope loves you. Right?”
Wilmore: “Millions of people come to hear you speak your sermons on mounts. Are you Jesus?”
— Exchange on Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, April 13, 2016.
“Creepy” Cruz Wears a Skin Suit
Host Larry Wilmore: “It’s fascinating to me that the GOP is coming together around Ted Cruz, a guy so many of them deeply despise....But the hated Cruz actually has the Trump campaign on the ropes.”
News clip: “‘Cruz,’ the campaign said, ‘Is worse than a puppet. He is a Trojan horse being used by the party bosses to steal the nomination.’”
Wilmore: “If Ted Cruz is a Trojan horse, what’s inside him? Besides thousands of writhing cicadas crawling around in his ill-fitting skin suit.”
Wilmore: “So Cruz has momentum. There’s a real chance he could turn this into a contested convention, as long as he keeps from saying anything too creepy.”
Ted Cruz: “Hillary? Get ready. Here we come.”
[Wilmore wipes hands with sanitizer and drinks from bottle]
— Host Larry Wilmore on Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show, April 6, 2016.
Carly Causing “Women to Lose”
“Look, word to Republicans — stop bullying Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood provides services for millions of women who need them. It’s not just abortions. Yes, abortions are a very controversial issue, but only three percent of Planned Parenthood’s services are abortions and zero percent of federal funding pays for them. So defunding them stops very few abortions but it stops a ridiculously large number of everyday women’s health services. I mean, the media declared Carly Fiorina the winner [of GOP debate] last night. But the irony is that the one woman who won may make it possible for a lot of women to lose.”
— Comedy Central host Larry Wilmore on The Nightly Show, September 17, 2015.
Cruz Candidacy is “Blacklash at its Finest”
“Ted Cruz went to Harvard, just like Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. Hey, Harvard, stop admitting dudes named Ted....So how did Mr. Cruz announce his mission impossible run for president?....Oh, and by the way, there’s no better place to start the unblackening of the presidency than at a university in Lynchburg, Virginia.....Reclaim the Constitution? He thinks just because Obama is a brother he stole the Constitution from the White House?....In order to go forward, you have to go back, right? Reclaim, restore, reignite. So what you’re really saying is somebody stole your country. Black guy did it, right? Blacklash at its finest.”
— Comedy Central host Larry Wilmore on The Nightly Show, March 24, 2015.
Bringing Out Bernie to Drop the Mic
Host Larry Wilmore: “The New York presidential primary is next week, renewing the debate over some harsh criticism of New York coming from the right.”
Fox Business host Maria Bartiromo: “You suggested Mr. Trump, quote: ‘embodies New York values.’ Could you explain what you mean by that?”
Sen. Ted Cruz: “You know I think most people know exactly what New York values are.”
Wilmore: “I think most people know exactly how slimy and creepy you are. You know what I’ll tell what. I’ll tell you about New York values. No wait guys, it’s not fair. I’ve only lived here like a year-and-a-half. You know what? Here’s a native New Yorker to talk about real New York values.”
Sen. Bernie Sanders: “As New Yorkers, we understand what New York values really mean. We believe in the value of hard work. We believe in the value of equality. We believe in the value of a society where the American dream works for all, not just the one percent. Those are New York values. And the truth is, New York values are American values. There is no difference.”
Wilmore: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Bernie Sanders, everybody! We’ll be back with more Bernie! Oh Bernie just dropped the mic!”
— Exchange on Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, April 13, 2016.
Wilmore Gleefully Cheers Indictment of Pro-Lifers
“On this show, we spend a lot of time — I know — talking about miscarriages of justice. Well tonight, we have an honest-to goodness carriage of justice. The good news comes amazingly from Texas. Remember those undercover videos taken at Planned Parenthood over the summer that supposedly showed them illegally selling fetus tissue? Well, it turned out not to be true, and Planned Parenthood has been cleared....Guys, this is the best thing to come out of Houston since Beyonce; and, to a lesser extent, Solange......And the jurors didn’t stop with clearing Planned Parenthood. They also went after the people trying to set up Planned Parenthood.....The people who made those bullsh*t videos lying about Planned Parenthood selling body parts are the ones being charged....Here’s the thing about bullsh*t: people remember it a lot more than they remember the truth.”
— Comedy Central host Larry Wilmore on The Nightly Show, January 26, 2016.
Cruz Will Do Everything KKK Does
Host Larry Wilmore: “Something’s just off about this guy, though. Even behind the scenes. I mean, listen to his strategy for daily with Trump and Carson’s attacks....Smother them with love? Are you talking about affection or murder? My approach has been to strangle them with respect, and then mutilate their corpses with goodwill and yeah, then of course stab them in the heart the way Jesus would have done, there. Something’s just awkward about him. Like when he tries to be relatable, and use humor, it comes off like this.”
Cruz: “Of course, in Texas we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. Mmm, machine gun bacon.”
Wilmore: “Wow. Do you know how small your dick has to be to do something like that? I don’t know, guys. I mean, I don’t know. He’s just creepy. You know, it’s his whole vibe, right?....Cruz is against abortion, of course, cause, you know, same-sex marriage. He’s definitely against that. He wants to repeal ObamaCare, allow him to do that, wants to away with the IRS. He doesn’t believe in global warming, loves guns. Now, a lot of people think Trump is all bluster, blah, blah, blah, but Cruz — to me, I believe he will try to follow through on all of these things. He’s not kidding around.”
Comedian Aida Rodriguez: “He’s going to do everything the KKK does. That is his agenda. He falls in line with the KKK. Every single f*cking thing that they do, he’s doing to do. Absolutely.”
— Exchange on Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, December 14, 2015.
Why Won’t Cruz and Rubio Embrace Their Hispanic Heritage?
Host Larry Wilmore: “Why do you think Cruz and Rubio don’t really embrace their Hispanic heritage?”
Contributor Jordan Carlos: “Whoa! They’re Hispanic?”
Wilmore: “Yeah. I know. Or do they just use it when it’s convenient?”
— Exchange on Comedy Central’s The Nightly Snow with Larry Wilmore, February 22, 2016.