Alleged funnyman Stephen Colbert claimed on Monday's edition of The Late Show on CBS that the ten Republican senators trying to find a compromise solution with President Biden on COVID relief are the worst kind of losers. They are "absent-minded caribou" who are proposing that instead of simply letting Americans drown, they want to be able to wave to them while they drown.
Colbert described the meeting with the often absent-minded president as, "The GOP's compromise offer to the Biden plan is the same way a pack of wolves compromises with an absent-minded caribou." In this case, apparently, Team Biden is a cagey pack of wolves, and that's good. It sounds like it could be a violent metaphor.
The violent metaphors continuted. After repeating some of the things in Biden's $1.9 trillion plan as described by CNN, Colbert saw another opportunity to claim Republicans just want people to suffer.
America is drowning 100 feet below the surface, and Republicans are saying, "Okay. Here's our compromise. Instead, we drown 60 feet below the surface. At least they can see us waving!"
Colbert mocked the Republicans as not even coming one-third of the way to the apparently righteous Democrat number.
But, all is not well in Democrat Land, as the White House has upset moderate Sen. Joe Manchin for putting Vice President Kamala Harris on with the local news in his state of West Virginia to pressure him to get in line. Colbert accused Manchin of "dragging his feet" on the matter and mocked him for being unhappy "about the executive branch nut-punch" from Kamala.
After playing a clip of Manchin, Colbert added, with some Photoshop, "He wants everyone to work together to make sure Americans get less COVID relief. That’s why he's standing outside Congress with that sign: 'Will work for getting you no food.'"
Colbert would then switch gears to talk about impeachment, which he described as a challenge for unity, "One of the challenges for jamming some unum up our E pluribus."
This segment was sponsored by Allstate.
Here is a transcript of the February 1 show:
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
11:40 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, during the campaign, Joe Biden talked a lot about reaching across the aisle. And as we're taping this, is this true, yes, he is discussing a compromise proposal with ten Republican senators he invited there, led by Maine Senator Susan Collins, seen here having the time of her life. The GOP's compromise offer to the Biden plan is the same way a pack of wolves compromises with an absentminded caribou. You see, Biden's COVID rescue plan, which covers bigger stimulus checks, more aid for the unemployed, the hungry, and those facing eviction, additional support for small businesses, states and local governments, increased funding for vaccination and testing, has a price tag of $1.9 trillion, while the Republicans only want to cover some of that stuff for $600 billion. That's not meetin' ya halfway. That's not even meetin' ya thirdway. America is drowning 100 feet below the surface, and Republicans are saying, "Okay. Here's our compromise. Instead, we drown 60 feet below the surface. At least they can see us waving!" Now, it's a nice gesture for Joe to meet with them, but Joe's clearly not playing around on this. Look what he just did to West Virginia Democratic senator and funniest guy at the car dealership, Joe Manchin. Manchin has been dragging his feet on Biden's COVID relief deal. So, without telling Manchin, Biden sent Kamala Harris to appear on local West Virginia news to say "You're hard working, you deserve this relief package, but Joe Manchin doesn't want to give it to you." Manchin wasn't happy about the executive branch nut-punch.
JOE MANCHIN: I saw it. I couldn't believe it. No one called me. We're gonna try to find a bipartisan path for it, I think we need to, but we need to work together. That's not a way of working together, what was done.
COLBERT: He wants everyone to work together to make sure Americans get less COVID relief. That’s why he's standing outside Congress with that sign: "Will work for getting you getting no food." One of the challenges for jamming some unum up our E pluribus is next week's impeachment trial.