Alt-Left Insanity: Iceland Elf Sex, Deep Space Nag, #BlackPantherSoStr8 and More!

Note: Everything you are about to read is real or, rather, came from the minds of liberals. Proceed at your own risk.

Sex tourists: Are you through with Thailand, over Amsterdam, full up on the Philippines? Why not get your nordic folklore freak on? Try Iceland for the Elvish trade!

According to a Vice “Guide to Sex” video (originally made in 2009 but trending this week on Vice’s site), “Icelandic Elf Sex” is a thing.The video features “Elf sex expert” Hallgerdur Hallgrímsdóttir (soak it in now -- I am not typing that name again) detailing Iceland’s sprightly singles scene.

 

 

The sparsely populated countryside of Iceland, HH explains, is haunted by pervy invisible elves -- really just magical “hidden people” she clarifies -- who fall upon isolated wayfarers and talk dirty to them. (“They’re quite good at that,” she confides.) One thing leads to another and … well, she has a book detailing it all. With smutty stick figure drawings and everything.

And these Lothlórien lotharios aim to please. “Elves sort of know what you want in bed,” she says. “They don’t need to ask. They can sort of read your mind and maybe even know better what you want than you do.” They’re “very flexible,” too, as HH’s stick figures confirm.

But the Keebler kink only goes so far. “Be careful including any kind of … golden shower,” she warns. Seriously, you weirdos, what kind of folk myths do you think they are?

Sure, you’re smirking and thinking, “Why would someone bother to make this stuff up?” And “Why would someone make a video about it?” And “Why would someone put that video on their website?” The cynical answer is “Comedy, clicks and cash.” But there’s a better, more beautiful answer.

HH: “I think it would make the world a better place if more people have sex with elves, basically.”

And now more from the Loony Left.

Quick Take: Slate saysthe selling of cute kids online is bad news for our relationships with real children.” Two thoughts 1. You can buy cute kids online? 2. If you allow “adorable social media child stars” to impact your real world, you probably shouldn’t have children.

Men Colonize Mars, women clean up after them. Bold, forward-looking expression of humanity’s innate wonder and optimism, or just more exploitative patriarchal imperialism? Which way you view current efforts to reach Mars depends on whether you’re a normal person or you’re the Editorial and Communications Manager of the Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford University, like poor Marcie Bianco.

In a long, resentful oped on NBC’s Think website, Bianco derides Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson for wanting to reach -- and colonize -- Mars. These guys have a “Columbusing attitude — a strident business acumen laced with an imperialist ethos.” “The desire to colonize — to have unquestioned, unchallenged and automatic access to something, to any type of body, and to use it at will — is a patriarchal one,” she instructs. And she complains that “there’s not ethical consideration among these billionaires whether shis should be done.”

Wait, don’t tell us, Mars is the home to a peace-loving society of noble savages, whose perfect environmental harmony would be destroyed by human violence and greed? Well, no. Bianco just doesn’t think we should go because we don’t deserve to, or men don’t, at least. “Men go from one land to the next, drunk on megalomania and the privilege of indifference.” Meow, gender studies communications lady! Meow.

[T]he impulse to colonize — to colonize lands, to colonize peoples, and, now that we may soon be technologically capable of doing so, colonizing space — has its origins in gendered power structures. Entitlement to power, control, domination and ownership. The presumed right to use and abuse something and then walk away to conquer and colonize something new.

Bianco goes on to charge that men have ruined the earth for women, And now they just want to move on to space. In fact, for all it’s gender jargon, Bianco’s screed is really nothing but Deep Space Nag, an epic, interplanetary fishwife’s scolding. “The air conditioners is still broken, the lawn’s still not cut, and you’re just gonna waltz off with the boys to colonize Mars?!”

Don’t listen to her, fellas. You go right ahead exploring the cosmos. Bianco will be home, curled up on the couch with a pint of ice cream, having a good cry over our own planet, “the planet [men] have all but destroyed.”

Quick Take: from Slate’s Dear Prudence advice page. “Help! I Hate When Other Parents Joke About My 3-Year-Old Son’s ‘Girlfriend.’”
Q. … They have been together since they were little babies and are inseparable … His family and some of the nursery staff [call them] boyfriend and girlfriend … I think it's creepy and weird … Should I say something?
A: Compulsory heterosexuality starts so early, doesn’t it?

But where’s the gay? Box-checking fail! Apparently, the LGBTQZWR (and sometimes Y) lobby is going to have to get it’s own Greatest-Movie-Ever-Imagined. Black Panther is breaking box office records. It has great action, great effects and a great cast. What it doesn’t have is gays.

It’s tough when a blockbuster/cultural phenomenon movie fails to give your preoccupations a nod, especially when there was speculation the flick might follow the comic book and include a lesbian relationship or, in the words of io9, “even the idea that queer women were a part” of the story. (And c’mon, kids, what’s a superhero story without queer women?)

According to the website, “This isn’t the first time that Marvel Studios have missed a readily-available opportunity to finally bring some queer representation to the big screen.” Apparently Thor Ragnarok could have gone there because “Valkyrie was meant to be bisexual, and the erasure of that identity in the film is profoundly disappointing.” And don’t forget Marvel failed to wreck it’s Captain America franchise and didn’t make Cap and his buddy Bucky lovers.

But have faith, queer brothers and sisters (and gender-fluid types; intersexuals; gender-queers; and omni-, demi-, pan-sexuals; etc., ect. …), our culture of permanent adolescence will be vomiting up Spandex superpower movies for years to come. You’ll get your chance.

Oh, there it is. Or perhaps the gay superhero is already among us! He’s no Man of Steel or Caped Crusader -- no, nothing so boring or butch. He’s a self-described “glamazon bitch ready for the runway,” a “gay ambassador,” and according to the media, there’s nothing Stereotype Boy can’t do.

Flamboyant Olympic figure skater by day and … flamboyant professional gay guy by night, Adam Rippon even has his very own Alfred the Butler, costume designer Braden Overett. Slate’s Heather Schwedel visited with Overett to chat “about the popularity of crystals, Rippon’s love of see-through garments, and his client’s famously prominent posterior.”

Reminder: this is a real interview on a general interest website -- not ‘Figure Skating Weekly’ or ‘The Journal of Costume Design’.

What do we learn about the rig in which Rippon fights the villains of bigotry? Well, “He loves having visible skin,” but like any good superhero, “He loves having skintight mesh, always.” And the shirt he wore on the ice one night in Korea? “The design concept originated out of feathers and water and this ethereal flowing sound.” Then another night, his shirt was “a little bit more feather-focused rather than water-focused, more imagery of wings and flying.”

And he knows whence his power is derived -- and it ain’t the crystals: “He’s like, ‘Make it tighter. I don’t need to hide my butt.’”

 
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