ABC’s ‘The Real O’Neals’ Goes to the Gay Coffee Bar

April 19th, 2016 11:03 PM

To say that my hate for ABC’s The Real O’Neals burns with the heat of a thousand suns, would be…well…an accurate statement. Tuesday night’s episode, titled ‘The Real Book Club,’ is a good example of why that’s the case.

On this particular foray into insanity, Kenny (Noah Galvin) opens things up by lamenting his own heroics on coming out as a gay kid at a Catholic high school. Right before he walks into a meeting of the “Gay Straight Alliance.” The club was apparently set-up by the harsh, unfeeling, and judgmental Catholics to make him feel better. Seriously.

Kenny: Coming out at a catholic high school was pretty scary, but my school wanted me to feel more at home, they put together gay straight alliance, which is, honestly, kind of great because I've been wanting to find a place where I can hang out with other kids like me.

Girls: He's here! He's queer! Get used to it! I was supposed to say that.

Kenny: Is this -- is this all -- this is all of us? Am I the only "G" in the gsa?

Girls: So far. Tell us everything. When you're hooking up, what's second base? 'Cause for us, it's boobs. What's the gay version of boobs?

Kenny: Um, excuse me... For a second. I think I forgot my gay wallet.

Girls: I told you they had those! How did you know that? My mom says I have gay intuition. Oh, my god!

Kenny: While I've been trying to find people like me...

Not only is it kind of hard to lament the lack of acceptance of gays among straights, while the straights are literally forming an alliance to reach out to you, but next to chewing glass, I can’t really think of anything I’d rather do less than listen to what “gay 2nd base” is. Or, what the gay equivalent of “boobies” are.

Yet, here we are.

The major mission of this episode was to ruin the traditional American father/son outing. Which the show accomplishes quite well, by having Kenny’s dad Pat (Jay Ferguson) take his son to the new, exciting gay coffee shop. To, presumably, meet other gay guys:

Dad: All right. Here we are. Ready for your first gay coffee shop?

Kenny: I was born ready. In this case, literally. I'm not ready. I mean, this is my first time in the gay part of town. What if they judge me? Am I wearing the right outfit? Should I have hit the gym before? Is there a gym inside the coffee shop? Um...hello? Come on! I know I'm hotter than a 3.14159!

Dad: This is it? There's not even any wordplay on the menu. Oh, I picked the wrong place, didn't I?

Kenny: This is what I have always wanted -- a place where I'm not the odd man out. No. This is perfect.

Dad: It is? So I did good?

Kenny: Yeah. You did great.

Dad: I mean, seriously, no "Chai me a river"? It's right there!

I mean, seriously. Who hasn’t has the trip to the gay coffee bar with his dad.

Though, I must say, I have wanted to “Chai Me a River” quite a few times during this first season of The O’Neals. Seriously, nothing is sacred on this show, a show completely and totally geared to the self-obsessed world of a gay teenager.