USA Today Lists 'Best' Trump-Bashing, Obama-Gushing Jokes for NYC Veterans Benefit

USA Today reported Thursday on a "Stand Up for Heroes" benefit at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Patrick Ryan said the comedians kept "political jokes to a minimum," but Ryan only channeled the political jokes, and nothing nice that the comedians said about the military. The event raises funds for the Bob Woodruff Foundation, named for the former ABC News anchor. 

The headline was "'Daily Show' alums target Trump." These were some of the lines Ryan judged as the "best" humor: 

-- "Falling in love with America right now is like falling in love with a girl who's throwing up all over herself. Just holding her hair back saying, 'Shh, let it all out. You just made a mistake, that's all. You can't repeat this mistake, otherwise you become less sympathetic.'" – HBO's John Oliver.

-- After the Chicago Cubs lost to the Los Angeles Dodgers last month, "The only thing that perked up (Chicagoans) was Barack Obama came back. People were like, 'Barack Obama is back making speeches!' And I was like, 'Yeah, sentences, wow!' It was mind-blowing." Daily Show host Trevor Noah.

-- "I don't know how to feel about Donald Trump. On the one hand, I do wake up most days terrified that he's the president of the most powerful nation in the world, and on the other, I do wake up knowing he is going to make me laugh. There is terror and there is joy. You know what it feels like? There's a giant asteroid headed towards the Earth, but it's shaped like a penis." – Noah.

Speaking of dick jokes, USA Today also liked Jon Stewart ranting about people who voted Obama for president, and then voted for Trump:

-- "How do you even get there? It's like a guy who's like, 'Yeah, it didn't work out with my girlfriend, so now I'm going out with a toaster. I stick my (expletive) in it.' I think that's where our country's at right now: We all put our (expletive) in the toaster." – Jon Stewart.

-- "What I don't understand is that 10% to 15% of Obama voters voted for Trump. How does that happen? 'You know who I really want to vote for? That very professorial gentleman from Kenyan birth — that's the guy I really love. But since he's not running this year, I'm going to check out the "grab 'em by the (expletive)" candidate. That seems like a very natural evolution.' " – Stewart.

Entertainment Weekly added a less-than-hilarious item on Conan O'Brien, who "showcased a spoof cast for his made-up made-for-TV movie featuring some of the most prominent New Yorkers: Donald Trump is to be played by an orange cat’s butt, Rudy Giuliani will be portrayed by a rabid bat, and Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo is cast as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie."

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