Bill Maher Absurdly Explains Scenario in Which He Would 'Vote' for Trump

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During his closing monologue on Friday’s edition of Real Time, host Bill Maher told President Trump “if you get religion on global warming and become the greatest eco-warrior we’ve ever had in politics, I’ll vote for you.” Not surprisingly, the monologue was loaded with sarcasm and jabs at President Trump; much like a monologue he delivered earlier this year urging First Lady Melania Trump to dump the President.

After declaring that the environment is “at the last chance, whatever it takes moment,” Maher urged the President to picture a headline reading “Trump Saves Earth.” According to Maher, “All it would take is for you to undergo a sudden, profound change; like the grinch when he saved Christmas. How befitting; a man of such power, of such great intellect, and large, completely un-mushroom-like penis.”

Maher attempted to flatter President Trump by saying that if he embraced the climate change alarmism that has come to define the modern left, he could secure himself a spot on the $100 bill and Mount Rushmore. Maher predicted that if President Trump embraced the environment, “Ivanka would get invited to parties again,” adding “you’ll be a big hero in her eyes, and we know you love her in a completely appropriate way.” The obvious implication of Maher’s sarcasm was that President Trump has an incestuous relationship with his daughter, a point Maher has raised before.

 

 

Towards the end of the monologue, Maher urged President Trump to “lend your giant brain to work with the other, lesser brains in the scientific community” before telling him, “If you save the planet, billions of children will be grateful and one of them could be your next wife.” Maher closed by making a pledge to President Trump: “become a pit bull for planet Earth and you won’t need Russia to hack my polling place. I will vote for you.”

While he did not address specific policy proposals during the monologue, it comes across as hard to believe that Maher would not be satisfied with anything less than President Trump embracing the hard-left Green New Deal. In order to win Maher’s approval, President Trump would have to, at the very least, fire the EPA Secretary; whom guest Rick Wilson described as a “godd*** oil lobbyist” on last week’s edition of Real Time.

It looks like Maher has decided to pull out all the stops to keep a conservative President out of the White House; from rooting for a recession to encouraging the current Republican President to become a liberal on the environment. The odds that President Trump will “get religion” on global warming are about as good as the odds that Maher will “get religion” at all.

A transcript of the relevant portion of Friday’s edition of Real Time is below. Click “expand” to read more.

Real Time With Bill Maher

08/23/19

10:50 PM

BILL MAHER: And finally, new rule: If Donald Trump is looking for a legacy, don’t buy Greenland; save Greenland. That…

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: That should be your legacy, Mr. President. And I’ll tell you something else: if you get religion on global warming and become the greatest eco-warrior we’ve ever had in politics, I’ll vote for you. I tweeted that last week. I guess some people thought I was kidding. I’m not. I don’t know if you are following the news about the environment, but it is definitely at the “last chance, whatever it takes” moment. And I know the President is hearing me, because last week he tweeted this, saying he saw the show “by accident.”

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: He said the same thing a couple of years ago. How do you watch an HBO show for an hour “by accident?”

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: When…when it was over, did you say, “Hey, that wasn’t ‘ballers!’”

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: “Boy, that Bill Maher looks just like The Rock!” But, but look, I’m glad we’re talking, sir. At one of your recent rallies, you called me a “serious person,” and I appreciate that. You also called me “3rd rate” and a “so-called comedian,” and then a “respected” comedian. I guess I’m complicated.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: You also said I was “wacky,” which isn’t really that big an insult for a comedian. “Side-splitting comedian Bill Maher...” But, look, I’m not here to fight. I’m here to offer my vote. And so, Mr. President, your excellency.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: Least-racist person in the world.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Let me address you directly, and try to win you over with logic, because I know flattery simply will not work. You’re impervious to it…bounces off you like bullets from Superman’s chest. So I…I’m not even gonna try that! Not on a man as great as you.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: I’m not that wacky! I’d look foolish trying, and you would see through it right away because you’re a stable genius.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: And did I mention handsome? I tell you when I see you and Melania together, I always think, “which one was the model?”

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: But sir, picture this headline: “Trump Saves Earth.” Feels right, doesn’t it?

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: And all it would take is for you to undergo a sudden, profound change, like the grinch when he saved Christmas. How befitting a man of such power, of such great intellect, and large, completely un-mushroom-like penis.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Someone who has the most beautiful words, and a slavish devotion to the truth. I bet if you do this, the people will put your face on the $100 bill, combining your two great loves: money and you.

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: And then, I think they will put you on Mount Rushmore. That’d be a switch, huh? Someone chiseling you.

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: Wait, wait, no, no, no, I was kidding. I’m sorry, please, Mr. President, before you change the channel and go back to your chess game.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Look, I know…I know we’ve tangled in the past.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: It happens. You…you sued me once, and…and we both have said some things. You called me “stupid,” “not considered smart,” “a dummy,” “not a smart guy,” “the dumbest man on television,” “fired like a dog,” “very sad...pathetic, bloated & gone,” “Dumbass,” “a rather dumb guy,” “a low life dummy,” “Dopey.”

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: “Dumb as a rock,” “moron,” “stupid guy,” “a very dumb guy,” “failing comedian,” and, most hurtful of all, “Rosie is smarter.”

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: And I called you a “whiny little bitch.” But I’m…

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: But I’m…

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: But I’m just going to admit it right now: I was jealous. I was…always have been. I mean, who’s kidding who, we both know you have the best brain, and everything you take on is an incredible success. You won the trade war, you built the wall, you effortlessly solved the Middle East, and Stormy Daniels is still basking in the afterglow of your incredible lovemaking.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Women want to be with you, and men want to be like you. I know I do. In fact, as a tribute to you, I’ve taken to wearing…I’ll show you…toilet paper on my shoe.

(APPLAUSE)

MAHER: And I’m sure many would follow. If you embrace the environment, think about the A-listers who, overnight, would become your biggest fans. Brad, Matt, Clooney...The White House would be like “Ocean’s Eleven.” Taylor Swift will be begging to follow you on Twitter. DiCaprio will love you. Gisele will love you. Ivanka will get invited to parties again.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: You’ll be a big hero in her eyes, and we know you love her…in a completely appropriate way.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: Look, sir, you’re already the greatest President ever…that’s a fact because people are saying it.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: So, I can see why you might be thinking, “Why do I need to guild the lily? I’ve already saved mankind from extinction once, after Obama. Do I have to do it twice?” Yes, sir, I’m afraid you do. Please, sir, lend your giant brain to work with the other, lesser brains in the scientific community.

(LAUGHTER)

MAHER: And if you save the planet, billions of children will be grateful...and one of them could be your next wife.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAHER: So please, remember my pledge: become a pit bull for planet Earth, and you won’t need Russia to hack my polling place. I will vote for you. I will take my paper ballot and put my prick next to your face.

 

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