On Friday’s edition of Real Time, host Bill Maher took shots at Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who gave a press conference earlier in the week declaring that “If we had confidence that the President clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said that.” While many in the media have taken that statement as an invitation for Congress to impeach President Trump, Maher took a page out of Trevor Noah’s playbook and made light of Mueller’s remarks.
Maher began his opening monologue by announcing that “Mueller finally came down from his cloud and spoketh. You know, everybody’s been waiting for him to speak and to testify, and he finally spoke, and what he said was, word for word, ‘The report is my testimony. I shall not want.’” Maher added that what Mueller basically said was “So get off my lawn and stop asking me to testify and do anything. Make do with my cryptic pronouncements.”
Maher then proceeded to address Mueller’s controversial statement that effectively turns the sacrosanct concept of innocent until proven guilty on its head. Maher sarcastically asked, “What was his wedding like? ‘Do you, Robert, take this woman?’” Maher argued that based on his press conference, Mueller might have answered “I don’t not take her.”
The late night host continued to mock Mueller’s indecisiveness and his implied call on Congress to impeach President Trump: “it’s a little trickier to say ‘I didn’t not find evidence. So you do-don’t have to leave it to Congress. And when I say do-don’t, what I really mean is don’t-do.”
Maher’s opening monologue contained a few more statements aimed at liberals. When he brought up pro-impeachment Republican Congressman Justin Amash, he admitted that “liberals love any Republican who comes out against Trump. We’re like...a gay guy on Grindr who only gets excited by straight guys.”
Maher also admitted that the only reason liberals are upset about President Trump’s proposed tariffs with Mexico is because they’re worried they might “f*** with the price of avocado toast.” Just weeks earlier, MSNBC had gone up in arms at the prospect of an avocado shortage if President Trump went ahead with his threat to close border.
Following the conclusion of his monologue, Maher effectively proved his statement about liberals loving any anti-Trump Republican by interviewing the President’s primary challenger, former Massachusetts Governor and Trump critic William Weld.
A transcript of the relevant portion of Friday’s edition of Real Time is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Real Time With Bill Maher
BILL MAHER: How are you? Thank you very much. How are you? So kind, I appreciate it. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. All righty.
MAHER: Thank you. I…I’m so…Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, I’m so…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Thank you, thank you, I’m so glad you’re happy. I don’t know why you’re happy. Things are going terrible in the country. Did you see this week? Mueller finally came down from his cloud and spoketh. You know, everybody’s been waiting for him to speak and to testify, and he finally spoke, and what he said was, word for word, “The report is my testimony. I shall not want.” That was…“So get off my lawn and stop asking me to testify and do anything. Make do with my cryptic pronouncements.”
MAHER: This is what he, this is what he said. He said…I love this. “If we had confidence that the President clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said that.” Okay, so is he a criminal? Why say it that way? What was his wedding like? “Do you, Robert, take this woman?” “I don’t not take her.”
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: You know, Trump speaks in playground. I can under…what did he say? “No do overs.” I get that. You know, it’s a little trickier to say “I didn’t not find evidence. So you do- don’t have to leave it to Congress. And when I say do-don’t, what I really mean is don’t-do.” And we just want to know, did Trump work with the Russians? And Mueller’s like, you know, it’s a little like sex with your ex-girlfriend who hates you, but you’re both horny. You wouldn’t call it planning, but you both want the same thing. So, it’s…I’m out. You know. So…
MAHER: Thank you for applauding my breakdown. You know, Trump’s tweet about this yesterday was priceless. It started with “Russia, Russia, Russia.” President Jan Brady, ladies and gentlemen. He’s like “Russia, Russia, Russia.” And then this guy, he’ll deny everything all day and then completely admit it on Twitter. He said “I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected.” And then, of course, an hour later, he has to walk it back. He said “no, no, the election wasn’t stolen, it fell off a truck. What did I say?” But liberals have a new hero, Congressman… Republican Congressman Justin Amash.
MAHER: See, liberals…liberals love any Republican who comes out against Trump. We’re like a, a gay guy on Grindr who only gets excited by straight guys. You know, but, but…
MAHER: But I’m telling you something. Between this Justin Amash and Robert Mueller, for what it was, the pro-impeach movement now has mojo. This thing…No seriously, things have changed.
MAHER: You can tell it does because Trump is scared. Trump said the other day, “impeach was a dirty, disgusting, filthy word and don’t even get me started on ethics.”
MAHER: But yeah, 55 Democrats now are for impeachment. But of course, most of the Democrats are still saying, “hey, yeah, impeachment, but what most people care about are, are the issues.” Can’t you do both? There’s 23 of you, divide it up. You know, you can’t…
MAHER: Fuck, you know, Missouri now has one abortion clinic. Missouri Republicans are going to have to send their mistresses to Illinois.
MAHER: I mean, you can’t run on that. Louisiana now got on the abortion bandwagon that’s sweeping the nation this last month. They voted in the legislature to ban all abortions, even in case of rape or incest and there was one redneck in the back of the room who stuck up his hand and said, “does that include second cousins?”
MAHER: Yeah, come on, these people, they’re sanctimonious about abortion, but they’re, they’re running Roy Moore again, it looks like, in Alabama. Roy Moore wants to run again for the Senate. In Alabama, he’s got a great slogan. Oh yeah, it’s “When I’m in D.C., I can’t fuck your kids.” That works.
MAHER: But well, don’t…don’t get all excited. It looks like, it looks like even if, if Roy Moore won, he would not be able to serve his term because the Senate is within one mile of a school. So, but…
MAHER: But I got to tell you, the big policy news that broke today is that Trump has come up with yet another ingenious plan to stop immigration. Tariffs. Tariffs solve everything. Okay. He says if Mexico doesn’t stop the immigration coming through the border, also from Central America through Mexico, he’s going to start putting on tariffs on everything Mexican; starting at 5 percent and going up to 25 percent in October. This is on Mexican companies and everything Mexico sends here. Okay, so now we’re going to build a wall, and Taco Bell is going to pay for it? Is that…
MAHER: That’s where we are now? Of course, you know, he never seems to understand, Mexico, or any country, doesn’t pay for tariffs. We pay for tariffs. And these tariffs for Mexico, our biggest partner, fruits, vegetables. Not just that, but cars; this they say will increase the price of a new car $1300. Mexico isn’t going to pay for the wall; you’re going to pay a lot more for that muffler.
MAHER: And, of course, liberals are incensed about this. Not about the cars, but do not fuck with the price of avocado toast.