All ‘SNL’ Wants for Christmas Is for Mueller to Lock Up Trump, ‘Only Other Option Is a Coup’

In what was supposedly a “comedy” act to close out the latest episode of NBC’s Saturday Night Live, the female cast members got together to sing their rendition of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You”. But the person they had their eye on was Special Counsel Robert Mueller, or, at least a report that would put Trump in jail. Because, according to the SNL cast, “the only other option is a coup. Straight Africa.”

Aside from comedian Leslie Jones saying she was going to bake “rophies into cookies because this year, I’m going to get [Santa]” (What happened to #MeToo?), the song was comprised of the deranged ramblings of loony liberals.

This needs to be done by Christmas. I need a fricking ounce of cheer. I just really want my life back. Oh my god, it's been two years,” the group sang, switching back and forth between them.

Getting more vindictive, they continued, saying: “I don't need a full impeachment. But we just need a little fun. Please tell us we aren't crazy. At least indict his oldest son.” “Please tell us we aren’t crazy” … Um, you’re singing a song to a special counsel to indict and lock up a sitting U.S. president. Sorry to break it to you, but you’re already there.

As they went, the group sang about how they were tired of getting “tiny nibbles” and wanted a “true entrée”, possibly talking about the many indictments not connected directly to Trump or collusion. “You better prove that Trump colluded. Or that he kidnapped JonBenet.” And they want to be told they’re not crazy.

Despite the recent cases of politically motivated violence, including last year’s mass assassination attempt of GOP lawmakers at a Congressional baseball practice, the SNL cast seemed to “joke” about overthrowing Trump in a bloody African-style coup: “We don't need a long-ass doc, just a single page that stocks. Mueller, please come through because the only other option is a coup. Straight Africa.

“Oh, I got the whole case laid out on my kitchen floor. And if you can't lock Trump up, at least prove he's super poor,” they huffed.

As they were nearing the end of the song (and the show), the women made their final plea to Mueller to finish the investigation soon:

Oh, I don't need a lot for Christmas. Just a perfect magic spell that solves the whole world's problems and put the white guy in a cell. I just want to sleep at night. Please make sure your case is tight. And make our wish come true. Because, Mueller, all we want for Christmas is you.

Then Kate McKinnon admitted that “unless the report has like zero new information, because then we would rather it never come out.” “Yeah, yeah, because it is our last shred of hope and I’ve already drunk all the wine,” Cecily Strong exclaimed.

This song was from the same show that wept and sang “Hallelujah” when Hillary Clinton lost to Trump. The argument can be made that this Christmas song was funny, but probably not in the way the cast and the writers anticipated. Their attempt to attack Trump wasn’t funny, but it was pathetic. Them showing off their Trump Derangement Syndrome was hysterical.

The transcript is below, click "expand" to read:

NBC’s Saturday Night Live
December 2, 2018
12:53:56 a.m. Eastern

VOICEOVER: And now a holiday message from the women of SNL.

CECILY STRONG: You know Christmas is right around the corner.

KATE MCKINNON: And people are making lists of what they want from Santa.

LESLIE JONES: And this year, I’m baking rophies into cookies because this year, I’m going to get him.

AIDY BRYANT: We have so much to be thankful for: friends, family.

MCKINNON: And good things money can’t buy.

STRONG: So this year.

SONG LYRICS: I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want a simple thing and the joy that it will bring. The report is finally due. Mueller, all I want for Christmas is you.

You, baby. This needs to be done by Christmas. I need a fricking ounce of cheer. I just really want my life back. Oh, my god it's been two years.

I don't need a full impeachment. But we just need a little fun. Please tell us we aren't crazy. At least indict his oldest son. I’m sick of breaking news. And Giuliani's interviews. Our balls are fully blue. Mueller, all I want for Christmas is you. Hurry baby.

We are sick of tiny nibbles. We need us a true entrée. You better prove that Trump colluded. And that he kidnapped JonBenet. We won't ask for much this Christmas, but at least throw us a bone. Tell us what the hell is happening and who the F is Roger Stone.

We don't need a long-ass doc, just a single page that stocks. Mueller, please come through because the only other option is a coup. Straight Africa.

Oh, I got the whole case laid out on my kitchen floor. And if you can't lock Trump up, least prove he's super poor. Can all the crooks be gone? Remember Alex Van Der Zwan.

STRONG: Mueller won’t you bring us a sense of normalcy where everything doesn't feel so completely upside down and out of control, because I can't take anymore anxiety medication! They won’t let me!

What about Ivanka’s e-mails?!

JONES: Girl, this song ain't about that, baby.

STRONG: I know, sorry about that.

SONG LYRICS: Oh, I don't need a lot for Christmas. Just a perfect magic spell that solves the whole world's problems and put the white guy in a cell. I just want to sleep at night. Please make sure your case is tight. And make our wish come true. Because, Mueller, all we want for Christmas is you.

MCKINNON: Unless-- Unless the report has like zero new information, because then we would rather it never come out.

STRONG: Yeah, yeah, because it is our last shred of hope and I’ve already drunk all the wine.

JONES: And if it is, I would like to catch Bigfoot.

MCKINNON: I think you mean Santa.

JONES: Man, I can't keep up with all of these dudes.

CAST: Merry Christmas everybody!


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