A Modest Proposal: Send Pam Anderson to Sudan

January 10th, 2008 1:41 PM

This is a modest proposal for celebrities who find their antics don't get as much attention as usual. In this January 10 SFGate.com article, San Fransisco Chronicle's Peter Hartlaub satirically suggested matching attention-starved celebrities to dictators in a type of Hollywood outreach that features crushing dissent. 

I bet Lindsay and Paris would love to dabble in totalitarianism and go to a country where they are guaranteed positive press 100% of the time.

So, in the spirit of Gulliver's Travels, enjoy Hartlaub's modest proposal featuring such superstars as Vladimir Putin, Dolph Lundgren, Kim Jong Il, John Cougar Mellancamp and Pam Anderson:

Russia President Vladimir Putin and Dolph Lundgren: More than any other leader in history, Putin has the stare and demeanor of a James Bond villain. But when you see him talk, he seems to be channeling Ivan Drago ("If he dies, he dies") from "Rocky IV," so you know he's got to be a big Dolph Lundgren fan. Lundgren, who is actually Swedish, could use the exposure to finally get "Red Scorpion II" green-lighted. And does anyone doubt that Putin has the words "I must break you" tattooed somewhere on his lower back?

North Korea leader Kim Jong-Il and Timothy Dalton: The former Axis of Evil member is a notorious lover of old movies, so there are a lot of good matches for him. He's a big Elizabeth Taylor fan (do we hear wedding bells?) and reportedly likes action movies. The most logical fit for Kim Jong-Il would be Timothy Dalton. The dictator is a big James Bond fan, and Dalton has co-starred in the Fran Drescher movie "Beautician and the Beast" and "Looney Tunes: Back in Action" - two films that Kim no doubt has committed to memory.

Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko and John Cougar Mellencamp: Now that Mellencamp has allowed Chevrolet to use his song "Our Country" as the centerpiece of the advertising campaign for the Silverado truck, hanging out with the deranged-sounding Lukashenko doesn't seem desperate at all. Associating with foreign tyrants might alienate Mellencamp's Middle America fan base, but Lukashenko's extensive background in collective farming and Mellencamp's role in founding Farm Aid will give the pair plenty to talk about. "Rain on the Scarecrow" would make a good national anthem for a totalitarian country.

Sudan President Omar al-Bashir and Pamela Anderson: The problem with Pamela Anderson is that she started out by marrying Tommy Lee - and how's a girl supposed to attract attention after that? Kid Rock looked like Ward Cleaver by comparison, and Anderson's third marriage, to Paris Hilton sex-tape partner Rick Salomon, in October barely made headlines. If she wants anyone to pay attention to marriage No. 4, she has no choice but to marry Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir, who topped a recent Parade magazine list as the world's worst dictator. Either that or get another breast reduction.

Hartlaub, deserves praise for targeting these celebrities and their sugar daddy dictators. It 's just strange that it came from the pop culture critic.

The article included a “matchmaker” game between dictators and celebrities. Mix and match in comments below.

These are more of Hartlaub's suggestions for the dictators:

Here are some other strongmen to choose from: Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah; Iran Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali KhamEnei; China paramount leader Hu Jintao; Burma head of state Than Shwe.

I'll add a few celebrities to get the ball rolling:

Tom Cruise, Joy Behar, Rosie O'Donnell, Carrot Top, Bob Saget, Rambo, Susn Sarandon, Michael Moore, Cameron Diaz. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton.

That's a good start, but you can think up any annoying celebrity you'd like to see sample totaltarianism or just get out of the headlines for a while. Rambo is on the list, of course, to rid the world of dictators 


*AP photo via New York's Daily News 

Lynn contributes to NewsBusters. Email her at tvisgoodforyou2 AT yahoo DOT com.