‘Book of Jezebel’: Kids are ‘Side Effect of Sex’ and Other Definitions

If there were a book dedicated to Jezebel in the Bible, the story might somewhat resemble the new feminist book, “The Book of Jezebel:” encouraging worship of false idols and ending up as a corpse left to the dogs.

In the case of the actual tome, “The Book of Jezebel,” the false idol is the self. Described as “an illustrated encyclopedia of lady things,” and edited by Anna Holmes, founder of ultra-liberal feminist site Jezebel, the book debuted in October. And of course it was well-received by liberal outlets like Huffington Post and NPR.

From defining children as mere side effects of sex to deeming the term “pro-life” as “objectively bogus,” the “dictionary” offers a handy reference guide into the absurd, narcissistic moral sewer that is liberal feminism.

Life in the Bullseye

Jezebel being the website that’s run articles on the optimal age to have an abortion, the book’s number one target was life, and those who defend it. They are “antichoice,” and “the inverse of pro-choice,” the “perfectly accurate, if limited, term to describe the people who think women should have choices when it comes to reproduction.”

According to Jezebel’s interpretation, the “pro-life” label is “objectively bogus” because the movement objects to condoms and vaccinations. “‘Life’ in this case [abortion] refers to the potential life of the gestating fetus, not the life of the mother or her family,” the book later explained – even the term “antiabortion” “fails a basic accuracy test.” (Shame on language for making abortion about the baby!) Jezebel “forgot” statistics showing women after abortion demonstrate an 81 percent higher rate of mental health problems and a 155 percent higher rate of suicidal behavior.

But to liberals, “life” is like “choice” – a concept they’ve narrowed down to fit inside their world view, and nothing else. Just ask a liberal whether you’re entitled to a choice about guns, large sodas, incandescent bulbs, fossil fuels, etc., etc.

Life and Death Defined

Jezebel’s book is, of course, deliberately flip and outrageous. But there’s truth in every jest, and this one is ugly. Simply put, children, from conception until they reach adulthood, only matter in as much as they impact liberal feminists and their sex lives. In fact, Jezebel seems incapable of viewing them through anything other than the prism of sexual self-gratification. Hence, some definitions:

  • Zygote: “too young to be a slut, so way more entitled to civil rights that you are”
  • Fetus: “something that could be a baby someday.”
  • Babies: “tiny, dependent human beings believed to cause ovarian explosions among young women and commitment phobia among young men.”
  • Children: “side effect of sex.”
  • Nephew, niece: “child of a sibling, a partner’s sibling, or a dear friend. They work well as both practice kids and as reminders to use birth control.”

No worries, though. There are many ways for women to make sure they’re not “punished” (in President Obama’s memorable phrase) with children, and Jezebel likes them a lot:

  • Abortion: “a safe and legal way to end an unwanted pregnancy”
  • Birth control: “the medical advancement that allows you to avoid a life incubating human after human until your reproductive parts eventually fail”
  • Condom: “a must-have accessory for protection against two potentially life-threatening conditions: AIDS (among other STIs) and babies.
  • Morning-after pill: Be careful! The women who take these, “have been painted as sluts and abortionists by social conservatives”

All of the above “choices” are preferable to adoption, since, according to the book that particular course of action “means enduring forty weeks of pregnancy, labor, and any complications that might arise from those, then handing the baby over to strangers while you’re physically exhausted and maximally hormonal.” Translation: “Antichoicers” are so selfish! Why should I go through all that just to preserve a life?

Scratch abstinence from the list too, a method that “religious conservatives have fought for years to make it the focus of sex ed in primary and secondary schools, though this has been correlated with higher rates of teen pregnancy and STIs.” While Jezebel fails to cite research as back up, Heritage Foundation research shows plenty of abstinence education benefits. Especially the one in which it’s the only fool-proof contraception method.

Media Love

As soon as the book went on sale, the media burst with applause and praise. Hey, it bashes conservatives, Catholics and other Christians, and reduces men and children to the sum of their interactions with self-centered, sex-obsessed women. What’s not to like?

Jake Tapper called the book “a great read” before interviewing Anna Holmes on CNN’s “The Lead with Jake Tapper” on Oct. 23.

NPR (National Public Radio) offered the book an on-air plug in addition to not onenot twobut three reviews. NPR’s Maureen Corrigan dubbed the book a “jolly feminist cultural commentary” with “witty and unruly entries.” Annalisa Quinn’s review positively glowed. While sQuinn found some some aspects “worrisome,” she credited the “genuinely funny” book for a “wonderful job of exploring the weird and delightful corners of feminist history.” She concluded, “Jezebel is the closest thing we have to an engaging and mainstream feminist news outlet.” The site “may sometimes be mean, petty, biased, and irresponsible — but it is utterly necessary.”

The Huffington Post praised, “If these short posts are a sampling of smart womanhood, we're sold.” Time featured and “exclusive excerpt.” Amanda Hess (an author of “The Book of Jezebel”)interviewed Anna Holmes for Slate. Glamour also interviewed Holmes in "The New Do: Calling Yourself A Feminist," where Holmes declared the end goal of “new feminism” as "world domination by women" (she immediately added, "I'm kidding – sort of"). Another interview with Holmes appeared on Mother Jones.

The Daily Beast proclaimed the book a “coffee table bible for middle-class feminists everywhere,” and USA Today noted the “encyclopedic tome filled with hilarious, female-centric definitions on everything from popular movies, to virginity, to acne.”

Surprisingly, business media also noted the book including International Business TimesMarketplace and Business Insider.

However, the media have remained althogether too silent on other Jezebel antics this year, including calculating the best age for women to abort to declaring Down Syndrome babies “live terrible lives” to even showcasing an illegal, untrained abortionist.

Other fun “Book of Jezebel” Definitions

  • Adam: “Inchoately sexed mud-person” (Eve: “Everything, ever, is that bitch’s fault”)
  • Antifeminists: “Assholes” like Phyllis Schlafly, Camille Paglia, and Caitlin Flanagan
  • Liberal: “Person with dangerous left-wing political opinions, such as ‘women are human.’”
  • Marriage: “Between a man and a woman. Or any other combination of two consenting adults who wish to enter into such a contract, for fuck’s sake, why is this even an issue?”
  • Misogyny: Exemplified by God, Aristotle, Phyllis Schlafly, Rush Limbaugh, The Republican Party, Allen West
  • Sanctity of Marriage: “Something politicians bloviate about to deny civil rights to same-sex couples”
  • Terrorist: “The right wing’s go-to term for anyone who opposes their ideology and/or seems vaguely Muslim. (Or Brown!)” [Jezebel’s timing here could have been better, since in the recent government shutdown, liberal politicians and journalists – from President Obama down to the loathsome Alan Grayson – screamed that Tea Party members and Republicans were terrorists, anarchists, kidnappers, etc.]
  • Unchaste: “Woman who is lewd, obscene, and more horrifyingly, not a virgin. In other words: the GOP’s worst nightmare.”
  • Vatican, The: “Governing body of the Catholic Church,” that, among other things, “decrees whether billions of women should be forced to carry children against their will, if gay prostitutes should die of Aids, how to resolve the energy crisis, etc.”
  • War on Women: “phrase to describe a decades – centuries! – long assault on women’s rights, opportunities, and autonomy” now implemented by “cowards, and, mercifully, losers.”

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Katie Yoder's picture