Note: This column examines the bats in liberalism’s belfry. Read at your own risk.
With the news that William and Kate have named their third child Louis, we know all there is to know about the little royal. He’s healthy and he won the cosmic jackpot. God bless him. Now, because we’re separated by an ocean, a bloody revolution and nearly 250 years of republican statehood, we Americans can tune out.
Not so fast! On the website Them., Samantha Riedel says that’s not all we need to know. “Like most other children, the royal baby was assigned a gender based on an inspection of their newborn genitals,” she wrote.
Their genitals? Writers are warned against using “the royal we,” but “the royal they?” Maybe there’s a twin nobody’s talking about? Possibly a hump-backed child, “deformed, unfinish'd, sent before his time into this breathing world, scarce half made up?” The kind of kid who will later knock off his siblings and assume the crown … hey, there might be a play in that ...
Riedel says those awful royals saw that his little lordship had a littler lordship between his legs and started blabbing to all and sundry. “Yet those reports took this information and made a logical leap we can’t yet assume — they identified the child as a boy.”
So they (he) looks like a duck, quacks like a duck … but don’t you dare call them (him) a duck (or is it two ducks -- so freakin’ confusing) until they (he) begins “to form their personal gender identities between the ages of two and three. Until that time, gender as a construct doesn’t really apply …” Riedel says. Besides, “Unless genetic testing has already been done, it’s impossible to know whether the child has one of many intersex conditions that may influence their hormonal growth …”
But even Riedel acknowledges that’s grasping at straws. The fact is, she just hates the normalcy: “Assigning gender at birth is a tool used to uphold gender and sexual binaries — and those systems are harmful to an unspeakable number of people.” Unspeakable because she has no idea how many. Could be two, or 10,000, or none.
But Riedel isn’t going to be satisfied until there are many more people as miserable and confused as she is
So far in modern Western society, only one baby has been born without the immediate assignation of a “M” or “F” identifier. Perhaps by the next royal baby birth, we’ll be ready to let kids tell us their own genders — when they can actually talk.
And then they can proceed to mutilate their bodies the way Riedel mutilates logic and the English language.
And now for the guano …
Who says manufacturing is dead?
Liberals F*cking Love Science -- The Hoodwitch. Inner-city sub shop? Whimsical car ornament? Nope. It’s an Instagram account and website “dedicated to sharing the knowledge of spiritual practice and self healing through crystals, meditation, and lunar rituals,” according lefty feminist site Broadly. 
Broadly profiled Bri Luna, the creator of Hoodwitch and asked her about the “immense and growing popularity of witchcraft.” The answer, unsurprisingly, is that the more civilization unravels, the more equine feces rises up to replace it.
“As we move further away from patriarchal beliefs, traditions, and political systems, we’re reclaiming parts of ourselves that have been suppressed, beaten down, and hidden throughout history,” Luna tells Broadly. “In the past, if you were psychic, or even just more sensitive, society taught you to dismiss and suppress those feelings. Now, we’re finally starting to move away from male dominated beliefs that demand only hard facts.”
That’s the best explanation of climate change panic I’ve ever read.
“We can’t dismiss spirits and stick only to facts. We can’t have a god and no goddess,” according to Luna. Yeah, about those STEM jobs, ladies ...
But there’s even more identity hocus-pocus here. Luna says her success has “opened up this doorway for many women of color to start witch businesses or to make their businesses more public, to embrace their cultural traditions, like African spiritual practices such as voodoo and hoodoo. Even Santeria.”
Grab that brass ring, sisters! You too can sell crystals and spell books to the bored and spiritually bankrupt, while advertising your authenticity. “I believe African spirituality is very misunderstood and misrepresented in mainstream media,” says Luna. “Even a lot of black people, a lot of people of color, are scared of working with spiritual traditions that have been stolen from us.”
Or -- and I’m just throwing this out there -- maybe those people of color aren’t out of their friggin’ minds.
QuickTake: abandon all hope ye who enter here -- "It seemed as if I was the first, worst person to attempt to summon demonic forces for sex. Today I know that I am not alone -- people have sought sexual encounters with supernatural beings for centuries." -- Broadly
And you thought your IT department was sadistic -- There is such a thing as a “data dominatrix.” I know, because Vice talked to one. Apparently people pay Mistress Harleya “to be her online slave.”
Vice interviewed her to get insight on how to maintain your online privacy, and it’s all very interesting and useful. But I’m still getting my head around her very existence. Vice:
Mistress Harley, who holds a master’s in library science and information technology and worked for many years in the tech industry, takes over her servants’ entire tech-based life in order to scratch whatever kinky itch they have—humiliation, exposition, crossdressing, or financial domination. This includes but is not limited to: accessing their social media, banking, email, and porn history.
So … I got nothin’. But she explained some more.
If you were going to be one of my submissives, you would approach me and say, "Mistress Harley, I’m really interested in you controlling my data, my computer, or my phone," and we would have a preliminary discussion about what your limits are. Just like any BDSM play, you can’t just choke someone to death, you have to talk to people about what they are looking for.
Well, yeah. Isn’t a healthy, open line of communication the key to every relationship. But how does this work?
“In controlling your technology, I can force you—I’m using air quotes here—to do things,” she explains to Vice. “So, if you’re really into cross-dressing, I can force you to only use your computer after you have sent me photos of you in reverse gender wear.”
Kinda sounds like a good way to get the kids off their cell phones.
Many of my current slaves are under some form of tech control. Some have cameras in their homes so I can monitor them 24/7, others have my parental control app installed on their phones so i can track them via GPS and monitor their app usage, search history, and social media on their phones. Other guys have given me total bank account access so I can control their finances.
Ah, that makes sense! Her clients get a sexual thrill from being monitored and controlled by unaccountable powers that take their money. In other words, they’re liberals.
