Those hoping to tune into a late night show as a reprieve from politics would have been unable to find refuge in Wednesday night’s edition of Full Frontal. Host Samantha Bee devoted her opening monologue to attacking Republicans and urging certain Democratic presidential candidates, including Montana Governor Steve Bullock, to drop their White House bids and run for the Senate instead.
Bee began by issuing a request to Bullock, whom she referred to as a “pointless presidential candidate.” She pointed out that Bullock “actually won against his Republican opponent by four points” as “Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton by 20 points in Montana” before urging him to “run for Senate, goddammit!”
According to Bee, “Winning the presidency would be great but real change is impossible unless the Senate changes hands too.” Bee apparently believes that winning the Senate seat in Montana would pave the way for a Democratic majority in the Senate.
The TBS host went on to complain that “good candidates don’t want to run for Senate because it’s so toxic and polarized, which I assume is a euphemism for ‘(bleep), I don’t want to work with Mitch McConnell.’” She then reminded Democrats “the beauty of elections is if you run and win, then you’re the Mitch McConnell!” Bee had previously described Bullock as “one of many Democrats wasting his time in a presidential race who could be way more useful running for something else” before identifying Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper, another Democratic presidential candidate with low poll numbers, as another one of those Democrats.
After spending the first portion of her monologue merely testing the waters, Bee quickly transformed into a full-blown Democratic strategist; noting that “flipping the Senate won’t be easy but it isn’t impossible. Democrats will have to defend all four of their current seats and pick up four more.” Bee honed in on Maine as a desirable Democratic target, noting that “total guys’ girl Susan Collins is up for re-election.” Bee trashed Collins for her vote in favor of Brett Kavanaugh and other “anti-abortion judges” before expressing her hope that Maine’s Democratic House Speaker will “kick Collins out of office, giving her more time to gaslight sexual assault victims face to face.”
Bee identified Iowa as another potential Democratic target; trashing Iowa Senator Joni Ernst as “Kate Gosselin’s hair burglar” and mocking her as a “right-wing Iowan who carries a pistol in her purse and brags about castrating pigs as a child.” Bee hoped that Iowa would vote for a Democrat “who only has plans to castrate one big pig” as a picture of President Trump appeared on screen.
As the monologue came to a close, Bee reiterated her earlier point that “the Senate is really important,” adding “We need Democrats who understand voters in places like Colorado and Montana. Otherwise, the next Supreme Court justice will probably just be a bible taped to a mop handle.”
Bee is the shrill late night host who spewed hate at Ivanka Trump, calling her a “feckless cunt.”
A transcript of the relevant portion of Wednesday’s edition of Full Frontal is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Full Frontal With Samantha Bee
SAMANTHA BEE: With 20 candidates set to take the stage, you’d think that the Democratic Party is just letting anyone in, but in reality, there are some candidates who didn’t make the cutoff; such as Montana governor and man who will sell your house today, Steve Bullock. Bullock is currently polling around 0 percent; possibly because no one knows who the (bleep) he is. For example, I first learned of Steve Bullock by reading his name off this teleprompter 30 seconds ago. But even though he’s a pointless presidential candidate, Bullock is pretty popular in his home state. In the same year that Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton by 20 points in Montana, Bullock actually won against his Republican opponent by four points; which brings me to make a delicate request: Run for Senate, goddammit!
BEE: Look, winning the presidency would be great but real change is impossible unless the Senate changes hands too. I have literally no opinion on whether Bullock would be a good president or whether or not he even exists, but I know no one is more in touch with the issues that affect real Montanans.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK: Memorial Day is often the start of the summer. We love getting out there but it’s also, with this warm weather, bears are coming down more and more into places where people can come in contact. Buy that can of bear spray, read the instructions, learn how to do it. And I think even Mike can show us how it works.
LT. GOV. MIKE COONEY: Can I take the little trigger off there?
BULLOCK: Good job.
COONEY: Thank you. Thank you. Never, never pet a bear.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: This man was born to serve the people of Montana specifically. Although, if it works on bears, maybe it will also work on presidential candidates. No! Do not run! Run for Senate!
BEE: Bullock is just one of many Democrats wasting his time in a presidential race who could be way more useful running for something else. You’d think people would be lining up to run for Senate but it turns out Chuck Schumer is being served rejection after rejection from the party’s biggest hopes. One former Senate aide suggested that good candidates don’t want to run for Senate because it’s so toxic and polarized, which I assume is a euphemism for “(bleep), I don’t want to work with Mitch McConnell.” But that is exactly why we need good Democratic candidates for Senate. The beauty of elections is if you run and win, then you’re the Mitch McConnell! Presidential candidate and former star of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” John Hickenlooper says he’s not cut out to run for Senator in Colorado.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOHN HICKENLOOPER: You don’t get a team of, of people to address things in the Senate, right? You have a very small team, I guess, you do have a team. It’s not the same as operating an enterprise, and there is something for those of us that become energized and, and really electrified by working with talented people and taking on things that people say are impossible and then getting them done, I don’t…I can’t…the, the, the Senate doesn’t attract me at this point. Just doesn’t attract me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: It doesn’t attract you? Well, 99.7 percent of Democratic presidential voters aren’t attracted to you! My god!
BEE: How is he still so confident? Is this what it’s like to be a man? I barely have the confidence to go buy cereal without putting on makeup first. John Hickenlooper, run for Senate. Colorado’s Cory Gardner is one of the most vulnerable GOP senators this year. You have a good shot against him and you literally have a .3 percent shot of being nominated for President. My feet are polling better than that on Wiki-Feet and my dad was a hobbit!
BEE: Flipping the Senate won’t be easy but it isn’t impossible. Democrats will have to defend all 12 of their current seats and pick up four more. There are a few possibilities, including Maine, where total guys’ girl, Susan Collins, is up for re-election. Collins’s approval rating has dipped 15 points in the last two years, largely due to her votes for Brett Kavanaugh and other anti-abortion judges. Voters were so frustrated, in fact, that they raised millions for her challenger before a challenger even announced. Luckily, Maine House Speaker Sara Gideon is expected to take on Collins.
BEE: Hopefully, she’ll kick Collins out of office, giving her more time to gaslight sexual assault victims face to face. Unfortunately, Democrats are often reluctant to run races they probably can’t win but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try. Just like at Iowa Senator and Kate Gosselin’s hair burglar, Joni Ernst. Sure, Ernst is going to be hard to beat. She’s a right-wing Iowan who carries a pistol in her purse and brags about castrating pigs as a child. But Iowa’s been hit hard by Trump’s tariffs. Maybe they’ll go for a Democrat who cares about free trade and only has plans to castrate one big pig.
BEE: Look, I totally get why you wouldn’t want to be in the Senate. You have to do painful things like craft legislation that never goes anywhere and see Chuck Schumer in the gym. On a good day, his balls are inside his shorts. On a bad day, you see that they also have red glasses on, but the Senate is really important. We need Democrats who understand voters in places like Colorado and Montana. Otherwise, the next Supreme Court justice will probably just be a bible taped to a mop handle.