“Profound,” “trusted,” “insightful,” “invaluable patriot,” “too cool to be spun.”
These are just some of the over-the-top bouquets members of the so-called serious news media have thrown Jon Stewart’s way in the last few days of his run as anchor of The Daily Show.
Of course this “trusted source in news” overwhelmingly skewered some of the liberal media’s favorite conservative targets.
Over the years Stewart has used his Daily Show perch to mock Dick Cheney’s “torture boner,” called conservative columnist Robert Novak a “vampire demon,” and yelled “Go f*** yourself!” at Bernie Goldberg, Republican Senator Jeff Sessions and Fox News. He also told conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh to “get the f*** out of” New York.
The following compilation is just a sampling of Stewart’s gross attacks on conservatives during his 16-year stint as host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show:
Saying Limbaugh Had Taste for Drugs and Murder, Stewart Tells Rush ‘Get the F*** Out of Here!’
Jon Stewart: “For years, for years, for years, New Yorkers have done everything in our power to get this guy to leave town! We passed laws making it tougher for hot dog vendors to sell on the streets. We hold gay pride parades. There are barely any gay people in the city. We just thought it would make him uncomfortable. So we shipped them in. We've all, as New Yorkers come together to do this one thing. Get rid of Rush Limbaugh.”
Stewart: “We knew he was into drugs, so we cleaned up Times Square. Even opened up a Disney Store in the very place he would normally go to buy drugs. We knew he liked cigars. So we all, in New York, made an agreement that people who smoke cigars are douchebags. Fleets! Fleets of Ivy League-educated cab drivers pretended to be surly middle-easterners, just to annoy Rush Limbaugh. We outlawed murder, figuring he’s the kind of guy whose probably got a taste for it.”
Stewart: “I guess there’s one more thing I want to say to him. If you’re heading out from Uptown, take 42nd Street west to Ninth Avenue take a left, go down four blocks, Lincoln Tunnel’s on your right, and you know what? Here's my EZ-Pass. Get the f*** out of here.”
— Stewart’s reaction to Rush Limbaugh’s announcement he was leaving New York due to increased tax hikes, on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, April 1, 2009.
Jon Stewart Asks Dem. Senator if GOPers Have Mental Problems?
Sen. Kristen Gillibrand: “The issue is, people in Congress are in a bubble and they don’t have a lot of empathy for regular working families.”
Jon Stewart: “But is it like, at a certain point you just think are they like rapacious social Darwinian caricatures of villains. Like, I almost think, are they Dickensian Scrooges? I don’t mind people being responsible with taxpayer money, that’s important, to manage efficiencies. But this idea of like food stamps, you know, then everybody is just going to go out and buy shrimp and sit around and drink Mai Tai’s.”
Gillibrand: “Yes, it’s a lack of empathy. And most members of Congress don’t even realize that if are you on the minimum wage are you under the poverty line.”
Stewart: “Is it pathological though? Do you think they have mental problems?”
— Exchange between Jon Stewart and Democratic Senator Kristen Gillibrand, Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, July 1, 2015.
Robert Novak is a Heartless ‘Vampire Demon’
C-SPAN clip of Robert Novak, conservative columnist: “Somebody mentioned the Jon Stewart program. I’ve never seen that in my life, and I will go to my grave never having seen it.”
Jon Stewart: “Really? You’ll go to your grave never having seen it? When’s that scheduled for?”
Brian Lamb, C-SPAN: “Why?”
Novak: “I don’t see any reason for it. It's a self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur, and I don't really need that.”
Stewart: “‘Self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur’?! You just said you’ve never seen it. You don’t even, listen, I’m not going to deny I’m a pompous ass, but ‘airs of grandeur,’ that couldn’t have been what he said. I should check, let me check this transcript. Airs of grandeur. This is ridiculous, let me just, hold on, oh, it’s not. Hold on. Let me just, oh, God, that’s insane!”
Stewart: “Yes, Robert Novak does not watch ‘The Daily Show’ or myself, not surprising. You know, I keep reading all these articles about how ‘The Daily Show’ is big amongst 115-year-old vampire demons, but why does Robert Novak - hate?”
Stewart: “We can work this out because I know that you’re a good person deep down in your [pauses for comedic effect, makes a series of circular gestures with his chest], the thing that they replaced your heart with that pumps the, I know you have redeeming qualities! I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when you’re on television, you let others shine while you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know that in the past I have referred to you as a douche bag. But that’s not an air of grandeur, that’s just mean and sophomoric, and I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you’re a terrible person. I hope that helps.
— Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, September 18, 2006.
Stewart to Democratic Presidential Candidate: At Least You’re Not an Expletive Like Bush
Jon Stewart: “Are you excited? Is it- Is it a whirlwind so far? Have you been on any bigger shows than this?”
Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack: “No. This is it. This is the first show.”
Stewart: “You’re going to get crushed. Give me a sense of the Vilsack doctrine, if you would. What is– What do you feel like–You know, we’ve had a president who was the governor of a state for eight years. The criticism was he didn’t have a lot of experience outside of his state and not that he hasn’t done a great job but what, what do you bring to the table that’s different other than you’re not, you know, seemingly an a–[bleeped].”
— Stewart interviewing former Iowa Governor and 2008 Democratic presidential candidate Tom Vilsack on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, December 18, 2006.
Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky
“The real question is, in the four years since 9/11, you have to ask yourself: Has the government’s advancements, procedures, etc. made us safer, given us more comfort that they will have an effective, or more effective, response to catastrophic events? And I think it’s very clear that the answer is ‘Oh sh[bleep]t, we’re in trouble.’ Now, for people who are saying, ‘Well, stop pointing fingers at the President. Left-wing media is being too hard.’ No. Shut up. No. This is inarguably, inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Now, now, this is, remember when Bill Clinton, I don’t know if you remember this, when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky? That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for this behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this, Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I’ll say this, the only difference is this: That tens of thousands of people weren’t stranded in Monica Lewinsky’s vagina. That is the only difference.”
— Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, September 6, 2005.
Stewart Responds to Bernie Goldberg and Fox With ‘Go F*** Yourselves’ Song
Jon Stewart: “Bernie Goldberg, I don’t need to satisfy your version of what fair satire is or should be. I’m not fair. I’m not balanced..You’re criticizing me for not living up to your tagline. Oh Lord. And you dismiss any criticism as further evidence of how the rest of the media persecute you. You like to pretend, Bernie Goldberg and Fox News, that the relentless conservative activism of Fox News is the equivalent, oh the equivalent, of the disorganized liberal influence you find on NBC, ABC and CBS. But Fox News, you may be able to detect a liberal pathogen in their blood stream, however faint. But Fox News is such a crazy overreaction to that perceived threat. You’re like an auto-immune disorder. I’m not saying the virus doesn’t exist in some small quantity. But you’re producing way too many antibodies. Fox News - you’re the lupus of news. So, I guess what I’m saying is this:
Choir sings with Stewart’s direction: “Go...”
Stewart:“...as long as fair and balanced is how you sell yourselves...”
Stewart: “...I guess what I’m saying is this...”
— Stewart’s reaction to criticism from Bernard Goldberg on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, April 20, 2010.
Stewart Tells Senator Jeff Sessions ‘Go F*** Yourself’
Jon Stewart: “Putting aside the questionable contention that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have kept us safe here at home, you do know terrorism isn’t the only thing Americans would like to be protected from?”
News audio: “The American society of civil engineers gives America’s crumbling infrastructure a D+. The VA says at least 23 people have died waiting for care. 50 million Americans living below the federal poverty line.”
Chris Jansing: “Temperatures could go up by 9 degrees this century, and sea levels could rise an extra 10 to 21 inches.”
Diane Sawyer: “Thirty Americans die from gun violence in this country every single day.”
Stewart: “None of it’s terrorism, right? Because then we’d have do something about it. If there is one man who embodied the ethos of the Republican party in this regard, I’d have to say, it’s our old friend Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama. Never met a war appropriations bill he didn’t like. Happy to spend the money overseas.”
Senator Jeff Sessions: “We need to resist the temptation to create more entitlements and more entitlements, which is one of the reasons that we’re heading recklessly to a fiscal crisis. But I don’t think we should create a blank check, an unlimited entitlement program now.”
Stewart: “Go f*** yourself. You know what, I’m worried. I’m really worried about the Republicans. Their inability to wean themselves off of military intervention. They have a culture of defendancy, if you will, and I believe it’s turned them all into warfare queens. And I think we need to cut them off for their own good. We’ll be right back.”
— Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, June 26, 2014.
Stewart Declares Cheney Heart Transplant ‘Greatest Joke Set-up Ever!’
Jon Stewart: “For the first day back there were really two stories that caught my attention.”
News clip: “NBC News has just confirmed that former Vice President Dick Cheney had heart transplant surgery earlier today.”
[Stewart mouths “thank you” while looking up]
Stewart: Greatest joke set-up ever! I can make the show out of that. What’s the other story?
Charlie Rose: “The controversial shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin one month ago in Sanford, Florida.”
Stewart: “Dick Cheney got a new heart! (Laughs) That’s the headline. Oh, the headline is Dick Cheney got a new heart. You know, I’m sure by the way that is a very different headline in the organ community. Probably something like innocent heart sentenced to life in Cheney. Boom! Boom! I’m going to get to do a ton of these today.” .
Stewart: “Heart transplant! Isn’t more of a heart plant when you don’t have an original? Hey, I think we have a clip of Cheney selecting the organ!”
[Clip of someone removing a heart by hand]
Stewart: “He’s-He’s-Dick Cheney’s not a nice man...Are you (beep)? Hey, everybody, here’s my impression of Dick Cheney’s surgeon removing Cheney’s original heart. Ah It bit me! Oh my god! Why does a human heart have fangs?”
—Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, March 26, 2012.
Stewart Accuses Cheney of Having a ‘Bronsonlike Torture Boner’
Jon Stewart: “Is Dick Cheney a righteous warrior or a psychopath? It’s one thing to feel remorseless vengeance against those who have wronged us. Which is why we’ve always been a nation that has followed the vigilante’s code - I’m sorry, rule of law. Rule of law. But what if, hypothetically, this treatment was perpetrated on someone who had been detained wrongly, surely that would soften Cheney’s Bronsonlike torture boner.”
Stewart: “But look, perhaps we’re being unfair. I’m not suggesting that Dick Cheney is using the terrible specter of what happened on 9/11 robotically as a cudgel to beat down argument, draining all emotion and meaning out of that terrible day as he uses it in service of avoiding culpability. Yeah, I’m not doing that.’”
Stewart: “You know what, just because he’s so bitter and angry doesn’t mean I have to be. I’m going to end on a note of gratitude, with something I never thought that I would say: George W. Bush, thank you for not dying while you were in office.”
— Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, December 15, 2014.