Jay Leno Mocks Clintons, Sanders, Trump’s Disdain for Megyn Kelly in Tonight Show Guest Monologue

Former longtime Tonight Show host Jay Leno returned to the deliver part of the monologue on Wednesday’s show for current host Jimmy Fallon (as the show was held in Los Angeles for the week) and Leno used the opportunity to pan Republicans but also the Clintons for their countless scandals, Bernie Sanders over his age, and Donald Trump for his disdain of Megyn Kelly. 

When Leno stepped in for Fallon, he began by lamenting that he had received his first political robocall of the election season with Bill Clinton calling about supporting Hillary. Leno then quipped: “Count on me? She can't even count on Bill. Don't drag me into your marital problems, pal.”

Leno moved onto Hillary’s e-mail scandal and paraphrased that she’s said at times that it was “an honest mistake” but wondered if anyone in the audience “ever notice[d] the only time people in Washington are honest is when they make a mistake?”

In the last of the Clinton jokes, Leno targeted the former President: “Plus, Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home. Sheesh.” 

As for the socialist senator, Leno pointed out that the only people should be in a position to “dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders” shouldn’t be the Clinton campaign but “an archaeologist” and if he won the nomination, Sanders should think carefully about his running mate since they’d be “just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.”

Following a joke that was more so a complaint about the intensity of the Republican primary, Leno served up a very crude jest about the now-infamous Cruz campaign ad that was taken down due to who was discovered to have appeared in it:

Oh, boy. Ted Cruz's campaign pulled one of their TV commercials because the actress in the ad was a porn star. [AUDIENCE OOHS] The campaign said they hired the porn star because they thought she could make Ted Cruz easier to swallow. I don't know.

Leno went onto spend the remainder of his time ripping off jokes about global warming and after one about how it could go “from our number one problem to our number two problem” in light of a study that stated it could “cause an increase in cases of diarrhea worldwide,” the former NBC host ended with his famous call and response routine with the audience:

JAY LENO: Global warming is so bad Vladimir Putin is now topless and bottomless. That's how bad it is. In fact, the Earth is as hot as it's ever been. 

AUDIENCE: How hot is it? 

LENO: It is so hot, Bill Cosby is slipping his dates chill pills. That's how hot it is. It is so hot immigrants are coming across the border on slip and slides. That's how hot it is. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder. That's how hot it is, ladies and gentlemen. [APPLAUSE] Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 

JIMMY FALLON: Thank you. I appreciate that. They're saying — they’re saying it's hot out there. It is so hot Donald Trump is building a wall just for the shade.

LENO: Yes! [APPLAUSE]

It’s worth noting that Leno stepped in for Fallon back on October 6, 2015 to help promote his CNBC show revolving around his love of cars. In that guest monologue, he similarly played the role of equal opportunity offender concerning political figures (unlike some other past and present late-night comedy personalities).

The transcript of Jay Leno’s monologue from February 17's Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon can be found below.

NBC’s The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
February 17, 2016
11:37 p.m. Eastern

JAY LENO: As you know, Jimmy — Jimmy, we’re talking about the election, to quote a famous President. 

JIMMY FALLON: Yeah. 

LENO: Got my first robocall this week. Said, “Hi, this is Bill Clinton. Can Hillary count on you?” Count on me? She can't even count on Bill. [LAUGHTER] Don't drag me into your marital problems, pal. [APPLAUSE] This e-mail — this e-mail problem continues to dog Hillary, but she says it's just an honest mistake. You ever notice the only time people in Washington are honest is when they make a mistake? Why is that? [LAUGHTER] Plus, Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home. Sheesh. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Well, after his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. Ooh. [AUDIENCE OOHS] You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist. [LAUGHTER] But the big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It's important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States. That's right. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] And let me ask you something. What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened? [LAUGHTER] What happened there? [APPLAUSE] And Ted Cruz — oh, you hear about this? Oh, boy. Ted Cruz's campaign pulled one of their TV commercials because the actress in the ad was a porn star. [AUDIENCE OOHS] The campaign said they hired the porn star because they thought she could make Ted Cruz easier to swallow. I don't know. [APPLAUSE]

STEVE HIGGINS: Cruz! 

LENO: See, I don't care. They can't fire me. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] As if we don't have enough problems, listen to this. This is a big issue in this campaign. Scientists from John Hopkins University say that global warming may cause an increase in cases of diarrhea worldwide. [LAUGHTER] You know what that means? Global warming has gone from our number one problem to our number two problem. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Global warming is so bad Vladimir Putin is now topless and bottomless. That's how bad it is. In fact, the Earth is as hot as it's ever been. 

AUDIENCE: How hot is it? 

LENO: It is so hot, Bill Cosby is slipping his dates chill pills. That's how hot it is. It is so hot immigrants are coming across the border on slip and slides. That's how hot it is. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder. That's how hot it is, ladies and gentlemen. [APPLAUSE] Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 

FALLON: Thank you. I appreciate that. They're saying — they’re saying it's hot out there. It is so hot Donald Trump is building a wall just for the shade. 

LENO: Yes! [APPLAUSE] 

FALLON: It is so hot, Steve Harvey says it's cold. 

LENO: Yes. [LAUGHTER] 

HIGGINS: This is cold! 

FALLON: He says it is so hot instead of Red Lobster, Beyonce is taking his ass to Dairy Queen. 

LENO: Yes! 

FALLON: Jay Leno, everybody, right there! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Jay Leno! Thank you, buddy, I appreciate that.

Curtis Houck
Curtis Houck
Curtis Houck is the Managing Editor of NewsBusters for the Media Research Center