On Wednesday, the late-night comedy show hosts gave their thoughts on the previous evening’s Republican debate and, naturally, the jokes skewed to the left. Most prominent, Late Show host Stephen Colbert trashed conservative donor Sheldon Adelson as a “part-time Kuato” (a reference to the alien in the movie Total Recall) and Late Night host Seth Meyers joked that each of the nine major candidates “had definitely been radicalized by ISIS.”
On CBS’s The Late Show, Colbert dedicated his first commentary after the opening credits to both the GOP debate and attempting to name-check as many of his fellow CBS personalities as possible since the CBS Christmas party had also taken place on Tuesday.
Quipping that he was “tired” after “challenging Scott Pelley to a pushup contest” and “licking eggnog out of Tom Selleck's mustache,” Colbert maintained that he still saw the debate that took place at The Venetian Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
Highlighting how The Ventian is owned by billionaire and GOP donor Sheldon Adelson, Colbert attempted to land the latest attack from a member of the liberal media against Adelson: “CNN's GOPalooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, The Venetian Hotel and Casino, owned by Republican mega-donor and part-time Kuato, Sheldon Adelson.”
For those unsure of who Kuato is (which included this writer), Kuato is a rather hideous-looking parasitic twin attached the stomach of the character George (played by Marshall Bell) in the 1990 movie Total Recall.
Before playing clips of the debate and offering rather pedestrian comments, Colbert jammed through a few more mentions of fellow CBSers in this example of pure corporate synergy: “Now, there was a great — it was a great debate. They talked about a lot of stuff, which again, I totally watched because I was not at the CBS Christmas party doing jelloshots out of Charlie Rose's navel with the Two Broke Girls.”
Over on NBC, the same guy who teamed with Hillary Clinton last week to trash Republicans and lament the lack of gun control in Meyers kicked off his monologue with this joke comparing Republicans to terrorists: “Last night's Republican debate focused on the themes of terrorism and foreign policy, and it's a good thing, too, because during the debate, I spotted nine people who had definitely been radicalized by ISIS.”
After he mocked the candidates for affirming that a presidency under any one of them would “destroy” ISIS, Meyers ended his opening segment by playing defense for the Obama administration with their talking points: “In the end, the candidates didn't present any new plans for fighting terrorism, they were not much different than what President Obama's already doing, and the few things that were different were not that great.”
The relevant portion of the transcript from CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on December 16 can be found below.
CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
December 16, 2015
11:42 p.m. Eastern
STEPHEN COLBERT: Last night was yet another Republican debate and I'm tired because I was up late watching the whole thing, and definitely not at the CBS Christmas party instead and this morning, I did not have to apologize for challenging Scott Pelley to a pushup contest after not licking eggnog out of Tom Selleck's mustache. That's what I didn't do. No, I watched the debate and if you missed it, CNN's GOPalooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, The Venetian Hotel and Casino, owned by Republican mega-donor and part-time Kuato, Sheldon Adelson. [LAUGHTER] The debate — yes — the debate took place on the stage where Phantom of the Opera played for over six years, which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit. [LAUGHTER] Holding the debate in Las Vegas makes total sense. The stakes are high. There's a lot of money riding on long shots and most people are betting it all on red, or really Orange. It was a huge night....CNN did everything they could to keep us tuned in for as much of the evening as possible by keeping the start time as vague as possible. They even had a countdown clock for four days ticking down to the big event — but when it hit zero, it just changed to “moments away.” [LAUGHTER] Oh, I am so excited for CNN's New Year's Eve coverage: “3-2-1 Happy... Moments away!” [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Now, there was a great — it was a great debate. They talked about a lot of stuff, which again, I totally watched because I was not at the CBS Christmas party doing jelloshots out of Charlie Rose's navel with the Two Broke Girls.
The relevant portions of the transcript from NBC’s Late Night with Seth Meyers in the early hours of December 17 can be found below.
NBC’s Late Night with Seth Meyers
December 17, 2015
12:37 a.m. Eastern
SETH MEYERS: Let's get to the news. Last night's Republican debate focused on the themes of terrorism and foreign policy, and it's a good thing, too, because during the debate, I spotted nine people who had definitely been radicalized by ISIS. [LAUGHTER]
MEYERS: With the Jeb and Trump feuds out of the way, terrorism took center stage as the main topic in the debate, and the candidates were relentless in their attacks on President Obama's ISIS strategy. In fact, the Republicans proposed a novel new strategy that is guaranteed to end terrorism as we know it.
REPUBLICAN SENATOR TED CRUZ (Tex.): We will utterly destroy ISIS.
JEB BUSH: Destroy ISIS before it destroys us.
REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH (Ohio): We need to go and destroy ISIS.
BEN CARSON: We have to destroy their caliphate.
CRUZ: Our strategy is simple. We win, they lose.
MEYERS: Oh, I bet — I bet things are pretty tense at ISIS headquarters last night. [IN ARAB ACCENT] Slow down, what did he say the plan was? They win and we lose. Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man. This is bad. [LAUGHTER] This is bad if that is their plan, 'cause that is a very good plan. [LAUGHTER]
MEYERS: In the end, the candidates didn't present any new plans for fighting terrorism, they were not much different than what President Obama's already doing, and the few things that were different were not that great. In fact, I'm guessing most people watching at home had expressions something like this. [PICTURES OF EXASPERATED JEB BUSH AND DONALD TRUMP]