So, I don’t really know how to describe this rap battle scene from CW’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend other than to say it may be one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. In the scene, from Monday night’s episode titled ‘Josh and I Go To Los Angeles!’, Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) meets the opposing counsel in her upcoming class action lawsuit, only to find out that their lead lawyer is her childhood rival. A rival that shares a certain faith, which is prominently referenced in the title of the rap battle, when the two throw down.
There’s literally nothing else I can say that will explain what you’re about to see. Just watch:
**WARNING: EXPLICIT LYRICS**
Rebecca: So, what are you and your team doing slumming it out here?
Audra: Well, Greater City Water has deep pockets and wanted the best, which you used to be, and now you're here. Slumming it is right. This firm is a dump. This town is a dump.
Friend: It is not.
Co-worker: Honestly, it's not so great.
Audra: Bunch, I'm here to give you an out. We are here with a settlement offer.
Boss: Great, we'd love to hear it. Rebecca, don't say anything.
Audra: Our offer is...No settlement.
Boss: What? Wait a minute. So when you said there was a settlement offer, there is no of... Wh... That was just a dirty trick? Oh, you're good.
Audra: Well, frankly, you have no case, and no shot, and no idea how to blend your foundation at your jawline, so you need to back off, withdraw the case, and save yourself the embarrassment of everyone knowing that you're a loser.
Rebecca: Okay, let's tone it down.
Audra: No.
♪♪ This is real deep beef from way back in the past ♪♪
♪♪ Deeper than I'll put a foot up in the crack of you’re a** ♪♪
♪♪ Come on, let's do this ♪♪
♪♪ Your little pals can witness how vicious ♪♪
♪♪ This Westchester alpha b*tch is ♪♪
♪♪ I'm straight up malicious ♪♪
♪♪ a verbal curb stomper ♪♪
♪♪ Since we were toddlers, I've studied every ♪♪
♪♪ Chink in your armor ♪♪
♪♪ And between your folks' divorce, and that ♪♪
♪♪ Haircut on you, I'm really not sure ♪♪
♪♪ Which one's the bigger shondeh ♪♪
♪♪ That means "Disgrace" ♪♪
♪♪ I'm translating for the goys ♪♪
♪♪ Our life lines have been parallel like corduroys ♪♪
♪♪ But now, we'll see whose bars will prevail ♪♪
♪♪ In this beef of two hard-as-nails ♪♪
♪♪ Shebrews from Scarsdale ♪♪
♪♪ We've got a conflict of interest ♪♪
♪♪ I'm about to give Levine the business ♪♪
♪♪ Spittin' venomous hate ♪♪
♪♪ Penetrating her defenses ♪♪
♪♪ It's a JAP battle ♪♪ a what?
♪♪ A Jewish American Princess ♪♪
♪♪ Rap battle ♪♪
♪♪ Daughters of privilege ♪♪
♪♪ Spittin' mad flow ♪♪
♪♪ Find that term offensive? ♪♪
♪♪ Too bad, Yo, oh, snap ♪♪
♪♪ It's a JAP battle rap ♪♪
♪♪ Look, academically, you could never catch me ♪♪
♪♪ You were close, but no match scholastically ♪♪
♪♪ No how, no way ♪♪
♪♪ I put the "O.G." In "5.0 G.P.A." ♪♪
♪♪ Well, speaking of which, are you A.P. Graded? ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause these days you look a bit heavily weighted ♪♪
♪♪ And all your book crackin' ♪♪
♪♪ Don't make up for the fact that I'm strapped ♪♪
♪♪ With that killer instinct that you lack ♪♪
♪♪ Sweetheart, here's what ♪♪
♪♪ You're not understanding, I'm street-smart ♪♪
♪♪ You mean, 'cause you minored in Urban Planning? ♪♪
♪♪ B*tch, I know you ♪♪
♪♪ That tough act's a bluff ♪♪
♪♪ So sheket bevaka shut the hell up ♪♪
♪♪ Your temper, you lost it, oh, cute ♪♪
♪♪ Like you're going to lose this lawsuit ♪♪
♪♪ Keeping your piehole shut would be quite wise ♪♪
♪♪ Though you kept it open wide for the AEPi guys ♪♪
♪♪ And I banged your hedge fund manager fiancé ♪♪
♪♪ Back in college over winter holidays ♪♪
♪♪ Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball and honestly ♪♪
♪♪ I gotta say ♪♪
♪♪ Really not hot at all ♪♪
♪♪ Finished quick, rotten lay ♪♪ This is... A JAP battle
♪♪ Bane of my existence ♪♪
♪♪ Your rhymes are facile ♪♪
♪♪ From Golden's Bridge ♪♪
♪♪ To North Castle ♪♪
♪♪ Wipe you off the map ♪♪
♪♪ In this JAP battle rap ♪♪
♪♪ Bunch, you're a curse, you're a blight ♪♪
♪♪ We were frenemies at first spite ♪♪
♪♪ Think your verse is tight? ♪♪
♪♪ Then you're tripping like birthright ♪♪
♪♪ I'll wipe the mirth right off ♪♪
♪♪ Your ugly mug and fill you full of slugs ♪♪
♪♪ Like a straight up thug ♪♪
♪♪ Uh, that word is racist, someone ought to tell you ♪♪
♪♪ Like me, I belong to the ACLU ♪♪
♪♪ Spare me, I'm a card-carrying member ♪♪
♪♪ Plus, I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?
♪♪ Well, I volunteered in Ghana ♪♪
♪♪ Well, I guess that makes us equal ♪♪
♪♪ Well, it's settled then ♪♪
♪♪ We're both cool with black people ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause we're liberals ♪♪
♪♪ Duh, Progressive as hell ♪♪
♪♪ Though, of course, I support Israel ♪♪
♪♪ Audra, wait we share so many traits ♪♪
♪♪ Should we shake hands ♪♪
♪♪ And erase the hate ♪♪
♪♪ Created by our mothers pitting ♪♪
♪♪ Us against each other for ♪♪
♪♪ Accolades and grades ♪♪
♪♪ We were egged on like Seder plates ♪♪ Nah.
♪♪ In summation ♪♪
♪♪ You left New York ♪♪
♪♪ For this sunburnt shtetl ♪♪
♪♪ Now you're like "Oh, Audra, let's settle" ♪♪
♪♪ You want to get salty like the Dead Sea? ♪♪
♪♪ Word, but call off this suit ♪♪
♪♪ Or you're dead, C-word.♪♪
Not since the printer scene in Office Space has rap and white-collar office nerdom combined to produce more hilarity. I heartily endorse this scene and have to give much in the way of Kudos to the writers of this show. Make no mistake, this is a liberal show. But they’re clearly not above making fun of liberals and all their PC obsessions. Which puts them in a class with Family Guy, and, well, that’s about it.
And they even got a friendly plug for Israel in. Well done.
