I'm not sure which is funnier about this Miami Herald story; that Adultery 101 was published in that newspaper or the fact that it was actually written by Herald staffers. It is so bizarre of a story that it should be marked down as a sign of desperation to attract readers in the midst of a calamitous circulation plunge.
So let us now join the Miami Herald staffers as they present their readers with "helpful tips" on how to commit adultery with a celeb shoutout to Tiger Woods:
So you're left scratching your head, wondering how a guy like Tiger Woods would allow himself to get caught cheating on his wife.
We're not saying we condone Tiger's actions -- the best way to not get caught cheating on a spouse or significant other is to not cheat on your spouse or significant other. But from observing celeb and non-celeb cheaters from the sidelines for years, following these basic rules would help one cover his tracks.
So the Herald staffers, after telling us that the best way not to get caught cheating is not to cheat in the first place, go on to tell us that if we must cheat, there are the ways to keep from getting caught. Take careful notes Herald readers because this information will appear in your Bluebook exam:
1. No photos. We don't care if the photos are of you, your body parts, your mistress or the hotel room in which you are sneaking around. There can simply be no photos at all - even if the other party brings out a camera in playful fun. If there is a flash, you better dash.
And, of course, no videos as well. Now on to the second adultery tip from the friendly staff of the Miami Herald:
2. Cash, not credit. You don't want to leave any kind of paper trail detailing where you have been and what you may have spent. Always use cash - for dinners, for gifts, for hotels. Besides, we bet that most pimps don't take American Express.
How about gift cards? Is that permissible? The Herald staff leaves us in the dark about this. Now on to Adultery Tip #3:
3. Get a ``booty phone.'' The best option, if you can afford it, is to use a second cellphone for calls you don't want your family or business to know about. We realize that most people can't swing that option, but at least learn to use your cellphone carefully. Always delete text messages - both sent and received - as well as voice mails and call logs. And when adding a phone number to your contacts, list it under a code name - like Driving Range or Clubhouse -- that won't look suspicious when your significant other looks at your phone.
Should we ask our phone service providers if they have a special discount on "booty phones?" Can we look up "booty phones" on eBay?
4. Set your hours. You need to have limits, regardless of how intoxicating the rush of clandestine activities. Don't communicate with your mistress after a certain time of day. No hurried visits to the bathroom to send a message. No checking on something in the garage to arrange a future visit. Treat this like a job.
You got that, folks? Cheating on your spouse is a full time occupation according to the Herald staffers.
5. Have an air-tight alibi. You better have one or your on-the-side relationship built on a house of cards will crumble like a fire hydrant under a large SUV. And don't get a friend involved -- unless you have one who you can trust won't feel bad and tip off your better half. Meetings, business lunches, four-day golf tournaments in Dubai or Las Vegas can all be perfect alibis - just extend the start and finish times of each to allow some wiggle room.
How about Joey Bishop's alibi in A Guide For the Married Man when he got caught by his wife with a woman in bed? All he did was deny, deny, DENY! And, strangely, he got away with it.
The funniest part of the article came at the end identifying the Adultery 101 authors:
-- Miami Herald Staff Report
I found that to be an extremely funny inadvertent commentary on the sad state of the current newspaper industry.