Confronting Bad Behavior the Liberal Way

I think I've come up with a foolproof plan to end crime in America, and
I have liberalism to thank for it. It consists of disbanding every
police unit in the country and encouraging the United Nations Security
Council to
draft a binding resolution that places strict sanctions on domestic
criminals who continue to break the law.

How do I know this will work? Well, I can't be 100% positive that it
will, but most people in the world support
that very same plan when it comes to dealing with the problem of
international terrorism, and everyone knows that the majority is never
wrong, so it only makes sense that such a strategy would be effective
when applied to U.S. domestic crime prevention.

Practically every left-leaning society on earth, as well as every major
mainstream news agency, has concluded that fighting bad guys
doesn't work, and in fact, even attempting to stop them from committing
antisocial acts only incites them to behave more objectionably later
on. Just take a look at the current conflict in Lebanon. For
the past couple of weeks, Israel has been viciously attacking members
of Hezbollah, but is France, Spain, Russia, China, the
BBC, CNN, or the New York Times congratulating the Israelis for their
efforts? Of course
not, because they all understand that only a ceasefire will bring
peace to the region.

Now, I know what some of you right-wing warmongers out there are
saying: if Israel agrees to a ceasefire, they're the only ones who
will actually cease firing, since it's the job of terrorist groups like
Hezbollah to attack
people, just like it's the job of rapists to rape women. Well, all
I have to say to that is POPPYCOCK! Apparently you've forgotten that
begets violence, and it is therefore only logical that if we treat
Islamic militants with compassion and understanding, they'll respond
in kind.

The same goes for outlaws in our own country, but instead of sending
international peacekeeping delegations to criminal hotspots like
Detroit and Washington DC, and engaging in honest and open dialogue
with inner-city street gangs, America's fascist law enforcement
agencies insist upon arresting and otherwise oppressing these poor,
underprivileged people for simply committing crimes.

When are we going to learn that harassing our fellow human beings isn't
going to make them behave? Everyone but a few neanderthal Republicans
appreciates the fact that spanking children when they act up only
foments resentment in them, lowers their self-esteem, and makes them
more aggressive than they were before. Thankfully, the concept of the
"time-out" has gained wide acceptance in our society, and the barbaric
disciplinary tactics that our parents and grandparents employed may
soon be a thing of the past.

But I seem to have wandered off the beaten path here.

Getting back to the
issue of crime prevention in America, I think it would also be a good
idea to allow a few felons currently languishing in prison cells across
the land to be released so that they can run for national public
office. Clearly the convicted criminal community does not have the sort
of representation in Congress that other Constitutionally protected
groups enjoy, and I'm sure the ACLU would agree that this state of
affairs amounts to blatant civil rights violations on the part of the
Bush administration.

After all, Hezbollah holds nearly two dozen seats in the Lebanese
Parliament, and its Palestinian counterpart is now controlled by
representatives of Hamas. If these sovereign, albeit embryonic,
democracies can extend the hand of inclusion and cooperation to those
factions which some consider to be undesirable, why can't we? It seems
to me that this sort of approach to societal pacification is far more
enlightened than the one we've taken in the past, which is to brutalize
people who's actions offend us in some way.

Ya know, I've been a conservative for as long as I can remember, and
I've never before questioned the righteousness of my ideology, but over
the past few days I've started to notice just how right liberals are
when they say that right-wingers are mostly narrow-minded, hate-filled
cretins, who pray for war and the death of innocent people...
especially foreigners.

Now that I've seen the light, so to speak, I have decided to commit
myself to the proposition that people are not only created equal, but
that each individual remains equal to everyone else throughout his or
her life, no matter what he or she does. This I recognize to be true
because I have accepted at face value its foundational principle that
morality is relative. Of course, I could be wrong but if I am, at least
I can feel good about myself for having chosen non-violent means to
achieve a hideous end for our society, and really, isn't that the
important thing?

By Edward L. Daley
Founder of the Conservative Convention 2007 Project