Stop the Presses! AP's Important Story: Obama Had Corned Beef Sandwich for Lunch

Ya gotta hand it to them. The Associated Press knows how to cut out all the extraneous background noise and get right to the important issues of the day. Barack Obama will surely be in the center of the vortex of some of the most important decisions in the world during the next four years and even his preparations for taking office are vitally important as a marker to what he might do in office. There are wars and rumors of wars, disasters and relief efforts and historic decisions will soon be made. But no decision is so important, as the AP dutifully tells us, than the one of what the president elect had for lunch. The shocking, heartwarming and resolute decision the leader of the free world... no the leader of all mankind... made for his lunch was apparently a corned beef sandwich.

Darfur still swirls with genocide, Iran is still making plans to destroy Israel, China is on pace to build the largest most dangerous army on Earth, the European Union still angles to lay America low, but all that pales in comparison to the important report the AP could muster (no, not mustard). Yes, the AP brings us the most salient story of our day: "Obama grabs lunch at local deli, greets patrons."

I laughed with the heartwarming tale of Obama's corned beef. I cried with relief to know he eats sandwiches just like me. I cheered to find out he had a cherry pie. I swooned to discover that he told a restaurant patron, "I love you back" when they offered him a salutation. I worried that Obama felt he "aged a little bit" during the hard, hard task of campaigning over the last four years. Yet was happily buoyed when the resilient messiah said that he's "doing great." Finally I was reassured when it was revealed in this important AP report that he exercised at a gym on Friday. And through it all I felt curiously hungry.

Yes, the AP hit all the news that we want to hear. All the details that are most important were covered. Even more revealing was his humanity so graciously on display. Not only did we get Obama's menu but we thrilled to the fact that Chief of Staff Emmanuel AND Valerie Jarrett were fortunate to find that The One was enough of a regular guy to order sandwiches for them, too. This man, a leader of men yet still just like you and me, sends a thrill up my leg. Doesn't he yours?

Yes, with this hard hitting and engrossing lunch report in evidence, I dare anyone to ever again say that the Associated Press is mired in hero worship or has degraded into the written word equivalent of Entertainment Tonight. After these behind the scenes revelations I double dog dare you to say that the AP is no better than the National Enquirer!

No, it's now patently obvious that the AP is the most serious player on the media scene ever. After all, if we don't know what BO has for lunch, HOW can we assess his presidency? How can we mere citizens feel connected to the exalted one without the knowledge of the contents of his noon meal?

Yes, folks, there is peace in our times. Now, if only we can get our enemies to just have a sit down, a little corned beef, a nice slice of cherry pie, a chance to tell The One that they love him too... how could we possibly have any more trouble in the world?

Thank you Associated Press for this indispensable report. I don't know about you all, but now I can go to bed and rest easy with this knowledge.

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