Lindsay Lohan’s out of rehab, and she welcomed herself back to America by substitute-hosting E! network’s Chelsea Lately Monday.
During her opening monologue, Lohan thanked Justin Bieber, Kanye West, Anthony Weiner, and the Royal Baby for keeping the tabloids busy in her absence.
LINDSAY LOHAN: As you all know for the past 90 days, I've been on a lovely court-ordered vacation in Malibu. No, but on a real note, it was really great and wonderful. It was. So, I've been through a lot lately, and I have a lot of people to thank for that - most notably, the celebrities who kept the tabloid industry alive in my absence.
Like Anthony Weiner. Yeah, I want to thank Anthony for being such a dick with an unlimited texting plan.
Kanye West. Kanye, I want to thank you for acting like a baby and making a baby. Yeah, you know, a side note. How come when Kanye acts like an idiot, he gets a gold record, but when I act like an idiot, I get a police record? Still haven’t figure that out.
Justin Bieber. I want to thank Justin Bieber. I want to thank you, Justin Bieber for peeing where you shouldn't, spitting where you shouldn't, and wearing your pants where you shouldn't.
But most of all, I would like to thank the one person who has captured the worldwide attention of all tabloids - the Royal Baby.
I’m back, I'm happy and healthy, and I'm sorry, paparazzi, but if you want to take pictures of somebody who’s really f--ked up, you're just going to have to wait till Chelsea’s back.