Nicole Kidman gave a tremendously lewd, sexually provocative lap dance to Jimmy Kimmel on national television Thursday night.
This occurred during ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live which was humorously hijacked by Matt Damon (video follows with transcribed highlights and commentary):
Damon as Thursday’s guest star decided to get back at Kimmel for all the occasions the late night talk show host didn’t have time remaining for him to appear on the show.
Rather than the normal opening, Thursday’s program began with clips of the host telling his audience that he had run out of time to have Damon on, followed by Damon posing as a kidnapper with Kimmel duct taped to a chair and gagged with his own tie.
"There's a new host in town and his initials are M.D.," Damon said. "That's right, the doctor is in."
The opening music then began with the announcer saying, “From Hollywood, it’s this idiot’s show.”
On screen was a picture of Kimmel with doodles all over it and the word “idiot” written below his mouth.
Another doodled-over picture was shown of Kimmel with the words “I have manboobs" next to his face.
The introduction ended with the announcer saying, “It’s Jimmy Kimmel Sucks.” So read the title as well.
Damon was then introduced as the host, and he walked on stage wheeling the strapped in Kimmel.
After a litany of jokes at Kimmel’s expense, Damon replaced Kimmel’s sidekick Guillermo with actor Andy Garcia. Next, Kimmel replaced bandleader Cleto with Sheryl Crow.
The next surprise was Ben Affleck deserting the mutiny running off stage saying, “Forget it, Matt. I couldn’t do it to Jimmy. I never wanted it to end up this way.”
A shocked Damon called after his longtime buddy, “He doesn’t even love you like I love you. You’ll see.”
Damon then said it was the time in the program for him to tell jokes, but that he’s not very good at it.
So he got on his cellphone and asked Siri to find him the best standup comedian in the world.
“Definitely not Jimmy Kimmel,” Siri replied. “He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage.”
“That's a given,” Damon added.
So who did Siri find? None other than Robin Williams who walked onto the stage as the theme from Mork and Mindy played. Williams then entertained the audience up until the first commercial break.
After the break, a video was shown of numerous stars offering their support for Damon including Jennifer Lopez, Sally Field, and John Krasinski,
Damon then explained the bad blood between him and Kimmel saying that Jimmy always wanted to be an actor, and he beat him out for every role he ever wanted.
“Jimmy has auditioned for every movie I’ve ever been in,” Damon said. “And how many did he get? None. So he hates me.”
Damon then showed mock tapes of all of Kimmel’s auditions. Needless to say, Kimmel was lousy.
After the next commercial break, a video of Robert De Niro, Don Cheadle, Oprah Winfrey, and Kimmel’s parents congratulating Damon was shown.
Damon then mentioned that one of his guests later in the show would be Sarah Silverman, Kimmel’s former girlfriend who years ago did a viral YouTube video about how she was – ahem – having sex with Damon.
The “host” then introduced actress Nicole Kidman after telling the audience that this was her first appearance on the show.
Kidman walked on stage, straddled Kimmel, and did a sexually provocative lap dance as the audience applauded.
Damon eventually asked Kidman why she had never done Kimmel's show before.
"He's just not classy," she replied before saying, "I mean, he f--king s--ks" with the f-word of course being bleeped.
Gary Oldman was introduced next and promptly refuted ever being on Kimmel’s show before.
Damon then brought on Amy Adams who called the last time she was on the show the worst experience of her life because Kimmel “slipped me the tongue.”
After another commercial break, Damon brought on Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon followed by Demi Moore who also had never been on the show before.
Following a brief chat with Moore, Damon got the whole group to take a picture with the still strapped in Kimmel.
After another commercial break, and a chat with Sheryl Crow, Damon brought out Kimmel’s ex-girlfriend, the vulgar comedienne Sarah Silverman.
Not surprisingly, Silverman made some lewd comments about her prior relationship with Kimmel.
After the final commercial break, Crow performed a new song, and Damon finished the show by thanking all of his guests – assembled on stage with Kimmel who had the word “Loser” written on his forehead in what appeared to be red lipstick – and saying, “Nightline is next. Jimmy, is there anything you want to say before we wrap things up?”
Before Kimmel could respond, Damon said, “Wait, I’m sorry. We’re out of time. Good night, everybody.”
Other than Kidman's lap dance and Silverman's obligatory lewdness, this was a pretty darned funny show.