Note: Normal people might find some of this offensive. (We hope. Dear Lord, please!)
I am woke, hear me snore no longer. This week’s column will be devoted to diversity, just like the left wants. We’ve got women. Heck, we’ve probably got womyn. Even super women.
And who’s more super than Gal Gadot? Beautiful. Successful. Even filmed Wonder Woman while pregnant. She’s so amazing that an entire nation is boycotting her because she’s also an Israeli and even served in the Israeli Defense Force (as required).
The movie, much like its namesake, is kicking butt. Wonder Woman has already raked in $129 million in domestic box office, putting it at No. 10 for the entire year. Rotten Tomatoes shows both critics and normal people love it. Critics rated it 93 percent and the audience almost identical at 92 percent. The Globe and Mail’s Kate Taylor wrote: “Gadot does succeed, against heavy odds, in creating a fresh figure of heroic morality and might, engaging an audience with an earnest character's discovery of herself and the world.”
However, thanks to our friends at Bustle, we’ve learned what a failure the movie is. They complained it wasn’t black or LGBT enough in a story given the classic headline: “Wonder Woman's Feminism Is Strong As Hell, But It's Not Intersectional.”
Now you’re probably wondering what the hell that means. Here’s the explanation from the “Geek Feminism Wiki” (God I love the alt-left): “Intersectionality is a concept often used in critical theories to describe the ways in which oppressive institutions (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, xenophobia, classism, etc.) are interconnected and cannot be examined separately from one another.”
In other words, you can’t ever just celebrate one alt-lefty cause. You have to celebrate them all. Leave no pressure group behind! Here’s Kadeen Griffiths’ take on the pivotal feminist superhero experience: “But I'm sorry to say that Wonder Woman is just a white feminist victory — barely. For black feminists, it's exactly like every other superhero movie, just with a white female lead.”
Here are the official flaws for Griffiths: 1) Not enough people of color, especially black women. When those black characters spoke (you’ll love this), “all of those lines were spoken by black Amazons who were, of course, subservient to Diana and her all-white ruling family. 2) “But even the crowds of Wonder Woman were overwhelmingly white.”
Wait, there’s more: 3) “the lack of other women fighting in their own way for the war effort — be that the women who dressed as men to serve in World War I or the female nurses that helped the injured and dying on the front lines.” 4) She also wasn’t bisexual enough for Griffiths. “Wonder Woman failed the LGBTQ feminist as well.”
The result? Drumroll please: “we got a movie that was as white and heteronormative as every other superhero movie we've seen in the last 10 years.” Oh gosh, heteronormative. The horror! Straight people galavanting all over the screen. Kissing even. Damn. I’m appalled.
But it’s not just Wonder Woman who’s making liberals mad today. Let’s go for all the rest of the superheroes, too:
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Superheroes Are Bad, They Might Teach You Morals: Writing is a tough job. If you write something sane or rational, there’s no guarantee someone will read it. Write something outlandish and viewers/clicks are guaranteed. That’s the Buzzfeed business model. (I have an advantage. I write about the left. It’s like gold mining at Ft. Knox.) So don’t be shocked when standard, lefty idiots at Salon try to attack the most popular movie style (superheroes) upon the release of the most successful female superhero movie, Wonder Woman. It’s called being edgy (i.e. stupid.) Actual quote one: “Here’s a joke you haven’t heard: What’s the difference between Wonder Woman and Donald Trump? One is an moralistic aristocrat with a superiority complex about Western civilization who autocratically thrusts their warped notion of ‘justice’ upon the world. The other, of course, is the president.” At least it wasn’t just the Gal Gadot version of the beautiful butt-kicker. It was all superheroes -- “Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Thor, Iron Man.” Why? Because, the alt-left doesn’t like a good guys/bad guys world. Actual quote two: “That’s because nearly all superhero movies glorify wealth (and the freedom it provides), aristocracy and/or monarchy, militarism, unilateralism, and right-wing fantasies about criminality.” Again, good guys and bad guys. Salon asks, instead of the “medieval politics” in the superhero homelands (like Thor and Wonder Woman), why not something more left-wing. Actual quote three, a real compelling one for moviegoers: “Wouldn’t it be nice to see a superhero come from a planet of primitive communists, or anarcho-syndicalists?” Yeah, I can see conservatives flocking to see Superman come from the Red Planet and Thor wielding both a hammer and sickle. Just how I want to spend my time and money at the movies, which are already overwhelmingly liberal.
After the Election, I Lost My Sex Drive: You have to admit, it’s difficult to write a more shrill and ridiculous headline. Elle (Elle?) outdid itself, producing a story where you worry about the mental health of author and subjects. Actual quote one: “The first thing I did when I opened my tear-puffed eyes on November 9th was to delete all the dating apps off my phone. I wouldn't need those anymore in this new world.” (At which her potential dates undoubtedly cheer.) The lede ends with this classic, actual quote two: “How could I think about dating or even just getting laid when we were absolutely all going to die?” Author Whitney Reynolds admits she’s not dead yet, but she’s “still never been less horny.” And she’s allegedly not alone. Actual quote three: “Around the country, the Trump administration has been terrible for our sex drives.” Elle delivered a typical cross-section of America -- seven people and one therapist. More than half of the victims fell somewhere in the 3 percent of Americans who are LGBT -- “queer,” “gay,” “gender queer,” and “trans.” That’s about 19 times more than in the real population. This is a great example of how so-called journalists spin stories. Journalists don’t interview typical Americans. They don’t know any and don’t want to. There’s more embarrassingly stupid and apocalyptic quotes in this story than I can do justice to. Let’s just all laugh and sing along to You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling.
It’s Unfair To Report On What Liberals Say: The Root, part of Haim Saban’s insane post-Gawker web empire, hates conservatives. I mean, HATES! So when outlets like Fox or The Blaze dare to report on what a bitter, angry, goofy, alt-left professor says, The Root goes to war, delivering the typical headline: “Princeton Professor Keeanga-Yamahtta Taylor Cancels Public Appearances Amid Fox News-Fueled Death Threats.” Actual quote one: “Taylor’s unapologetic speech, during which she called President Donald Trump a ‘racist, sexist, megalomaniac’—i.e., she told the truth—was picked up by conservative propaganda machines Fox News and TheBlaze.” The article then complained about trolls sending threats, which are commonplace for everyone in the public sphere to receive. Since they are often anonymous, it isn’t uncommon for them to be entirely bogus as well. Still, The Root wasn’t done. It went on to call Fox readers, “the dregs of society,” and said they, and Trump, have a “desire for access to white supremacist capitalist patriarchy and/or its maintenance and protection.” So, if you dare criticize a loony college prof, you are embracing the “white supremacist capitalist patriarchy.” Now here’s reality. When a professor says stuff like calling immigration enforcement, “terror-inducing raids in the communities of undocumented immigrants,” that person invites criticism. The real reason The Root and others were upset is they don’t like it when they are shown to be the loons they really are. That reporting was news.
'F*** you, I’m Millwall': This isn’t about the alt-left. I just wanted to take a moment to honor a hero. When radical Islamist terrorists attacked London, one man fought “three knife-wielding London terror attackers armed with nothing more than his fists,” according to the Independent. When the attackers shouted, “This is for Allah,” he shouted back, “Fuck you, I’m Millwall.” Millwall is a British soccer team known for aggressive or sometimes violent fans. But to face down three armed terrorists and have your potentially dying words be your devotion to your soccer team, Roy Larner has my respect. I'll be honest and say I'm more into American football than the version they play across the pond. But for now, we're all Millwall.