Samantha Bee’s TBS Show Debuts with Vile Slam of ‘Fish-Faced, Horses*** Salesman’ Cruz

Viewer Warning: Mildly inappropriate language is contained in the post below.

The premier of former Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee’s TBS program Full Frontal arrived on Monday night and for liberals seeking more anti-conservative rants disguised as humor, Bee provided just that as she berated Iowa caucus winner Ted Cruz as a “fish-faced, horseshit salesman” while playing with a noose.

Welcoming viewers on the show, Bee first lamented how frustrating it was to be off the air and not commenting on the presidential elections for months in what she deemed “the most deranged electoral shitshow in a generation.”

Bee moved to make only a few quips about the Democratic race for the next three minutes before shifting back to the Republicans where she spent the remainder of her show.

“People, I have to be honest with you. We wrote like two hours of jokes about Democrats but we had to throw them all out because then the Republicans laid out a banquet of all you can eat crazy,” Bee exclaimed. 

Following a soundbite from Cruz’s victory speech on February 1 in Iowa, Bee was shown tying a noose before putting it down to lash out at Iowa Republicans for selecting “this fish-faced, horseshit salesman Ted Cruz as their new prized heifer.” 

Bee pointed out how he’s not received “an Iowa bump” and speculated that it has to do with the argument that Cruz is severely disliked by critics. Using clips of CNN’s Dana Bash telling Cruz’s wife Heidi that her husband has been described as “not likeable” and “insufferable,” Bee joked that Bash was really trying to tell Mrs. Cruz that her “husband has stage four cancer of the personality.”

The trashing of Cruz only continued as Bee admitted that she “dislike[s] Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone, but that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage.” 

Bringing fellow GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio into the fray, Bee bashed both of them for “exploit[ing]” their young children as photo-ops with Rubio’s son asking him for water at a New Hampshire town hall with Cruz’s daughter Catherine resisting a kiss from her Dad as he held her outside his campaign bus:

Oh, look at that. Marco Rubio has finally found a way to look like the big boy in the room. Hey, you know what? Ted Cruz has somehow managed to reproduce. Maybe he can use his child to make him seem more personable....Maybe she just needs to get to know him. Could anything be more awkward? Turns out, yes. 

The relevant portions of the transcript from TBS’s Full Frontal with Samantha Bee on February 8 can be found below.

TBS’s Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
February 8, 2016
10:32 p.m. Eastern

SAMANTHA BEE: I am Samantha Bee, finally here in my studio for the very first time! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Yes, I know and during an election year. Thank you to the sweet baby Jesus. You know, for months, I've been just sitting here with no show just yelling at the wall while the most deranged electoral shitshow in a generation passed me by and it has been killing me. So tonight, we make up for lost time. Off we go to New Hampshire where democracy goes to freeze to death. 

(....)

10:35 p.m. Eastern

BEE: People, I have to be honest with you. We wrote like two hours of jokes about Democrats but we had to throw them all out because then the Republicans laid out a banquet of all you can eat crazy. Last week, after Iowans wished 12 candidates into the corn field, one was left standing in triumph.

REPUBLICAN SENATOR TED CRUZ (Tex.): Tonight, the State of Iowa has spoken. [SCREEN WIPE] To God be the glory. 

[BEE PLAYING WITH A NOOSE]

BEE: Oh, hi. I'll finish this later. Okay so, Iowans chose this fish-faced, horseshit salesman Ted Cruz as their new prized heifer. Now, normally the winner gets an Iowa bump. No that does not mean doing a hit of cocaine in the Pizza Ranch toilets. Just how big was Cruz's bump heading into New Hampshire?

WBNS-TV ANCHOR [on 02/05/16]: Ted Cruz, who won Iowa, is in fifth place. 

BEE: Gee, I wonder why. Could it be this?

CNN’s DANA BASH [TO HEIDI CRUZ]: Your husband is actively disliked by a lot of his colleagues in the Senate — Republican colleagues in the Senate. But you chose to spend your life with him. [SCREEN WIPE] When you hear these kinds of things said about your husband, that he's just not likeable, that he's insufferable, I mean, you've heard them all. Is it a punch in the gut or in the heart?

BEE: It's not his fault, Dana. My husband has stage four cancer of the personality. Now, look. I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone, but that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage. Cruz's Iowa bump was snatched by Marco Rubio, third in Iowa, second in New Hampshire, first to exploit his kids for a photo op. 

SENATOR MARCO RUBIO (Fl.) [TO SON]: Are you hot? Huh? 

DOMINICK RUBIO: Mm-hmm. 

RUBIO: Would you like some water? I want some water. 

BEE: Oh, look at that. Marco Rubio has finally found a way to look like the big boy in the room. Hey, you know what? Ted Cruz has somehow managed to reproduce. Maybe he can use his child to make him seem more personable. 

CAROLINE CRUZ: Ow, ow.

BEE: Maybe she just needs to get to know him. Could anything be more awkward? Turns out, yes. 

Curtis Houck
Curtis Houck
Curtis Houck is the Managing Editor of NewsBusters for the Media Research Center