Heidi Montag, the actress from MTV's pseudo reality show "The Hills," is a run-of-the-mill Hollywood personality. She has unnaturally large breasts (along with at least nine other surgical "touch-ups"), overprocessed bleach blond hair, skimpy clothes and even skimpier bikinis. She's married to an equally immature prima donna, Spencer Pratt, who throws random fits and says things like, "We're the most famous people in the world."
But Heidi doesn't just claim to be a "super-celebrity"; she also says she's a devout Christian and a "modern Mother Teresa." And that's entirely plausible, if Mother Teresa had a thing for singing lyrics like "eat my panties off of me."
Montag's debut pop album - which she calls "quality" entertainment - hit the shelves yesterday. The album, titled "Superficial" (which featured her on the front cover in cheeky underwear), doesn't cut any crudity corners. As Us Magazine put it, "Adam Lambert has some new competition in the sexually charged singer department."
Montag tweeted yesterday that she put her "heart and soul" into this album. So, what do her heart and soul look like?
Well, her first single is called "I'll Do It," and it goes like this:
"I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em / Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally."
Eek. That's quite the leap from the girl that once compared herself to the clean cut boy band the Jonas Brothers and was rumored to be working on a Christian music album.
Of course her husband couldn't be prouder of her accomplishments. Pratt tweeted yesterday, "Heidi Montag Best Pop Album."
"I feel like I just took a 10-year bath," he said afterward.
Pratt has also declared that he knows God answers prayers because he once prayed to hang out with Miley Cyrus - and it happened! (Perhaps that also proved to him that God supports gay marriage since he and Montag wanted to "meet up" with Cyrus in order to form a Bible study group that supports same-sex marriage.)
Well, Pratt can be excused for his ridiculous statements, being that he's new to this whole Christian thing. Montag, on the other hand, has been blabbing on about her deep religious roots for a long time now.
Two years ago, for example, she told People magazine that she was "reading the Bible, beginning to end."
"I'm very religious," she added. "That's how I've gotten to where I am."
And where has she gotten to, exactly? Oh yes, in front of a Playboy camera.
Montag, who was featured in the magazine last September, said that posing for Playboy should be "a huge honor" for anyone. She also said during an MTV interview that she wasn't concerned her racy photos would conflict with her religion.
"I think we're born naked," she said. "We die naked. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of. I think the body is a beautiful piece of artwork that God created. I have nothing to be ashamed of."
Hmmm ... perhaps Montag missed that part in Genesis where God gave Adam and Eve animal skins to cover their "nakedness." Or that part in 1 Timothy where it says that women should adorn themselves "in modest apparel."
Maybe Montag should try that whole "reading the Bible" thing again.