A recent poll showed President Joe Biden leading former President Donald Trump 50-44 and CBS’s Stephen Colbert could hardly contain his excitement. On Thursday’s The Late Show, Colbert claimed the reason for the numbers was because women know that Biden is the only thing preventing the Supreme Court from “putting a go-pro in their uterus.” Colbert would also later claim the country was and is a racist one and anyone who thinks otherwise has less than a whole brain.
Colbert began the show by noticing how similar 2024 is to 2020. First the Kansas City Chiefs are playing the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl and “Unless something crazy happens, it’s Trump v. Biden and Trump's been leading in a lot of polls, but today in a new Quinnipiac poll, Biden has leapt out to lead Trump 50-44. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God, some good news in an otherwise depressing reality!”
Colbert theorized that “This is like finding some punch in a turd bowl! I don't know. I don't know just how Joe did it, but political analysts think it may be his strategy of standing still while his opponent repeatedly quotes Hitler.”
Another theory was that “Biden leads among women by a margin of 58 to 36 percent” which led Colbert to don a pair of aviators and do the world’s worst Biden impression, “That's right. Hey, ladies. Hello, ladies. That's right, the ladies love cool Joe. They love my store-bought smile. They love the shades. They love that thing where I'm the last one standing between them and the Supreme Court putting a go-pro in their uterus. They love it. Watch those babies spelunk out of there. I'm serious, folks!"
Just your typical two self-professed devout Catholics promoting abortion and fearmongering about pro-lifers.
Later in his monologue, Colbert switched his ire to the other GOP presidential candidate: Nikki Haley. In a recent interview with The Breakfast Club and Charlamagne Tha God, Haley repeated her belief that, while racism exists in America, America is not a racist country and was not founded as such.
This greatly confused Colbert, “Okay, so the argument is that there is racism, but it's not a racist country? That's interesting. You know, if you make a lemon chiffon cake that has even a little bit of poop in it, I got some bad news for you. That's a poop cake. Gotta label it. Gotta label it right there at the deli. It's gotta say ‘poop cake, must go.’”
It's more like some comedians use their shows to spread left-wing politics, but saying that comedy as a whole is about left-wing politics is wrong. Nevertheless, Colbert then played a clip of Haley and Charlamagne:
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD: You can't say America's never been a racist country, but then talk about the racism you've experienced.
NIKKI HALEY: There is racism in our country. I don't think that our country was founded to be racist. I don't. I think that it was meant to be this amazing experiment to see if we could have freedom and democracy in a way that all men are created equal.
Colbert responded by attacking Haley’s intelligence, “If you think America was not founded as a racist country, I'd say you have three-fifths of a brain.”
Of course, the Three-Fifths Compromise limited the power of slave states and stopped the creation of independent slave nations, which Colbert would know if he read the history he accuses other people of not reading.
Here is a transcript for the February 1 show:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
2/1/2024
11:37 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Unless something crazy happens, it’s Trump v. Biden and Trump's been leading in a lot of polls, but today in a new Quinnipiac poll, Biden has leapt out to lead Trump 50-44. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God, some good news in an otherwise depressing reality!
This is like finding some punch in a turd bowl! I don't know. I don't know just how Joe did it, but political analysts think it may be his strategy of standing still while his opponent repeatedly quotes Hitler. Okay. Now, no surprise, the credit really goes to women voters. Biden leads among women by a margin of 58 to 36 percent. "That's right. Hey, ladies. Hello, ladies. That's right, the ladies love cool Joe. They love my store-bought smile. They love the shades. They love that thing where I'm the last one standing between them and the Supreme Court putting a go-pro in their uterus. They love it. Watch those babies spelunk out of there. I'm serious, folks!"
…
COLBERT: Okay, so, the argument is that there is racism, but it's not a racist country? That's interesting. You know, if you make a lemon chiffon cake that has even a little bit of poop in it, I got some bad news for you. That's a poop cake. Gotta label it. Gotta label it right there at the deli. It's gotta say "poop cake, must go." Of course, Charlamagne challenged her premise.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD: You can't say America's never been a racist country, but then talk about the racism you've experienced.
NIKKI HALEY: There is racism in our country. I don't think that our country was founded to be racist. I don't. I think that it was meant to be this amazing experiment to see if we could have freedom and democracy in a way that all men are created equal.
COLBERT: If you think America was not founded as a racist country, I'd say you have three-fifths of a brain.
